Page 30 of Cruel Summer

“You know,” he said. “A lot of people have this freedom on the front of their lives. With all that rashness of youth, like you were just talking about. But you…you have it now. No one gets to tell you what to do with it. Don’t leave it up to Will. The final decision. That’s all.”

He turned away from her and started back down the trail without waiting for her.

She couldn’t argue with him. Not this time. Not now. She just let his words play over and over again as they hiked back down the trail and got back to the car.

The Bel Air had been a special sort of nostalgia, the kind that they were both too young for, but that evoked strong imagery of movies they’d seen. The Ferrari was just pure fun.

They drove over the Bridge of the Gods, and traversed the narrow roads to Skamania Lodge, which was over the border into Washington.

The room was simple and tasteful, and she only felt slightly disappointed that she couldn’t unpack and settle in. It was all kind of grueling. This living out of a suitcase. But it was different. Maybe there was something to what Logan had said. It was up to her now.

She had these three remaining months to sort this out.

To make sure she didn’t go backward.

She didn’t have anyone else to take care of right now. It was all her.

She loved her kids, just like she cared about her friends and wanted to be in contact with them. She would still do things for her kids. But she wasn’t bending her life around anyone else right now.

She had never lived alone.

It was an interesting experience, being by herself in these rooms. In the vacation rentals.

Sometimes it felt too quiet, and sometimes she enjoyed it.

But it was new. Yes, she ached sometimes, for time gone by, for small, bouncing children, or even back further to her own childhood.

To family TV on Sunday nights. Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman , and America’s Funniest Home Videos , a bowl of popcorn, followed by some fudge pops.

Yeah, she missed those things.

But maybe wanting to get back to Will was like wishing she could rewind all the way back to that.

It was so funny to realize she had never lived by herself. It had only just now occurred to her. Maybe it was because she felt like she was being, and not really living.

She needed to be living. Every moment of this time. She couldn’t wish this summer would go faster, couldn’t will it away.

Otherwise, just like Logan said, she’d be right back where she started. Right in the same problems.

She met Logan down in the lobby area. “All right,” she said. “Take me to the zip line.”

“You’re really going on it?”

“Yes. I thought about what you said. Well, I think about a lot of things that you’ve said.

But I mean recently, just what you…just said.

You’re right. I have so many opportunities to do anything.

As someone who knows more than they did, and also knows how much they don’t know, that is pretty amazing.

I would be silly to miss this opportunity. ”

They went and bought passes for the zip line, and were luckily in time for an upcoming group.

Their two guides greeted them and a group of about six other people, and walked them across the street and up a trail to a yurt that was nestled in the trees.

They were brought inside, with harnesses laid out on the floor for them to step into.

It all seemed unwieldy and unfamiliar. But they also gave her a helmet, which she found comforting.

They walked along the trail, and one of their guides unlocked a gate to a flight of stairs that led up, up into the trees, closed off from people who weren’t in the tour.

The stairs led to the first platform. Once they were on the platform, one guide hooked a harness strap with a carabiner on the end of it to a line that was attached to the tree that supported the platform.

There were two hooks like that on the harness, and one was always attached to a line, even when the rider was transferred from one network of cables to another. Even if you fell, you’d be safe.

As nervous as she was, even she was relatively satisfied that there were enough safety mechanisms engaged, that it would require a pretty catastrophic failure of all of them at once, and that was unlikely.

She wasn’t a terribly anxious person, but she liked to have all of her i ’s dotted and t ’s crossed. Thank you.

“Have you ever done this before?” she whispered out of the side of her mouth to Logan as the instructors continued on with the overview.

“Nope.”

“But I thought you… I was so certain that you…”

“It’s a new adventure for everyone,” he said, far too chipper and not nervous.

Given the fact that they were like twenty feet off the ground and were about to go careening through a forest. The first instructor went—they explained that one would spot them on that end, and the other would be on this end—and after an interval, the next person was clipped into the ready position, and off they went, screaming at high speed along the course.

“You want to go first?” Logan asked.

“I do not,” she said.

He grinned and stepped into position. They watched as the guide transferred his hooks to the main line that ran between the platforms, and then Logan lifted his feet and went blitzing down the line.

She took a sharp breath, and looked down, and felt the resulting impact of looking straight down like that shoot up between her thighs. She squeezed her knees together, trying to stop that sensation.

“Are you ready?” the instructor asked.

“I’m not sure.”

“Just hold on. You’ll be fine. Keep your hands here.”

“Uh…like this?”

“Yes. Just remember, hands on fabric, not on metal.”

Great, now there were instructions.

“Hands on fabric.”

“Keep your feet up so when you get to the other side, you don’t hit the platform. But don’t hold them out. You don’t want to kick your other guide.”

That was when she knew. She would never be ready. She just had to go. She lifted her feet and launched off the platform. Then she went flying. At first it was terrifying. She was weaving through the trees, clearing them easily, picking up speed as she went.

Then terror turned to joy.

It was like flying.

She slowed when the other platform came into view and stepped onto the landing pad there.

The other instructor unhooked her, one clasp at a time, moving her over to him.

“That was amazing,” she said, looking up at Logan.

“Yeah,” Logan agreed. “It’s pretty amazing.”

She loved it. The whole experience. Maybe she was a thrill seeker. She never had been. Everything she had ever done had been about being safe. She had worked so very hard to be safe.

Now she’d done something sort of daring and had enjoyed herself. When they finished, they went back to the resort and sat on the expansive deck overlooking a field and mountains.

She ordered a beer, which she never did, because she felt like maybe it paired well with zip-lining and facing fears.

It didn’t. She ended up ordering a Diet Coke and letting Logan finish the rest of the beer.

“So,” she said. “Honest question. Since you’d never tried zip-lining before…why did we do it?”

He looked out over the field. The mountains. “Because. I figure I have a lot of life left to live too.”