Page 43 of Cruel Summer

“Because it’s not the same thing. This thing is not…

I know it sounds crazy, because you also know that I got pregnant when I was in high school.

Which speaks to a lack of control. But it isn’t the same.

It’s not the same as being a teenager, and being led around by your hormones.

It’s not hormones for me now. It’s chemistry.

I’ve never experienced that with anyone but you.

There’s a reason I almost kissed you when that went against everything that I believe in.

Because I would’ve stayed with him. Until the end, I would’ve stayed with him.

I never would’ve turned over any of those rocks.

I wanted to kiss you so badly, Logan. I don’t want you to think that me turning away shortchanges what we had.

The fact that it happened at all demonstrates how much I wanted you.

How different it is. There is not another man on Earth who could have enticed me into that position.

I was always so careful. I didn’t want to be careful with you.

I remember all those moments of my family vacation with so much clarity.

The moments where it was you and me. Where knowing you started to turn into something more. ”

He made a grunting sound and accelerated.

“It’s true,” she said. “Look, I have no idea where I’m headed. But I do know that I’m not going back to Will.”

He turned to look at her. “You know that?”

She felt something break inside of her. “Yeah. I know that.”

For the first time since all of this started, she really felt like her marriage was over. She really knew that it was.

She couldn’t help it, a sob rose in her chest, and she didn’t even bother to hold back as tears spilled down her cheeks.

“I know he thinks him wanting to be with other people, or wanting more freedom, doesn’t mean he isn’t in love with me or our life.

But…it does for me. This isn’t the same thing.

I don’t want other people. I want you. Very specifically you.

That doesn’t work. I can never have an open relationship.

I’ll tell you that much. I can’t want two men at the same time.

I can’t be with two at the same time. I can’t…

I also need for this to be… I don’t know where I’m headed.

That’s the thing. I eliminated the destination that I thought I was going to.

It’s not with him anymore. I know that. But I don’t know where it is.

I need to be okay with the uncertainty, and I am trying.

I got so angry at you when you demanded to know after the kiss in Boston.

I didn’t want to tell you that I wasn’t going to be with him just because I wanted you.

Does that make sense? I didn’t want to lie.

I didn’t want to choose something that felt good at the time, but that I would regret later. I wanted to give it space.”

She swallowed hard. “I wanted to make sure that when I told you something, it was true. Mostly I didn’t want to think about him at all. I’m just exhausted. From tearing my own life into pieces.”

“Are you giving me the this-is-all-I-have-to-offer-you speech?”

“Maybe. Except that shortchanges it too. But I’m a mess. And so is my whole life. Lucky you, having a front-row ticket to the whole thing. I am uncertain. I’m trying not to rush to make myself certain. Because that’s how I ended up where I am now.”

“I can handle that.”

“I mean, we’ll save money,” she said, looking out the window.

“How so?”

“We only need one room for the rest of the trip.”

“You think so?” he asked.

“I mean, we can play games, Logan, but we both know we’re going to end up back in bed. We might as well just accept it. I might not be able to see further ahead than tonight, but I know that I am going to jump you again.”

“Assuming I’m fine with that.”

She looked at him, hard, forcing him to look away from the road and into her eyes. “You’re not going to say no to this.”

“Yeah. Damn straight I’m not.”

They were both just desperately human.

She might have no experience with this whatsoever, but she knew that you didn’t have sex that good, spend another three weeks and forced proximity with the person you had it with, and resist it.

She didn’t even want to try. She felt like she’d had years of resisting all kinds of things.

He was emblematic of that. She didn’t want to resist. She just wanted to see what was on the road ahead.

No planning. Just being.

Not being afraid of herself. Or what anyone would think.

Easy, when she knew they had miles of only strangers ahead of them.

They took the long stretch that day, heading all the way to Utah.

Then he didn’t take them to a roadside place, but to a resort nestled in the mountains, with villas that each had a hot tub.

“Well, this is an upgrade,” she said. “We’re not saving any money.”

“I wasn’t thinking about saving money. I was choosing where I wanted to have you next.”

The words sent a shiver down her spine.

Was this her life? Suddenly at this out-of-the-way place with this man who said those kinds of things to her. Who made her feel this way.

It was her life right now. She couldn’t guarantee it would be her life forever. But it was her life right now.

The villas were nestled into the side of the mountain, with views, and privacy. Completely blocked off from each other, but open to the landscape.

So even with all the lights on in the place, as they trailed in with their bags, she embraced the boldness that overtook her, and pulled her shirt off, slipped out of her jeans, took off her bra and her underwear.

She had been looking forward to this part of her life.

Wandering around her house inhibition-free because that was what empty nesters were supposed to be able to do, and she could have it now.

Logan’s short, low curse was satisfying.

“It’s really too bad we don’t have groceries. Maybe I’d cook dinner for you.”

“I would be worried that you would sustain an injury to parts of you I really don’t want wounded.”

She laughed. “You’re kind of basic.”

“Hell yeah.”

She liked that about him. That he was complicated most of the time, but basic when her tits were out.

It was pretty comforting. She felt basic looking at him too.

So it seemed fair. He sat down on the couch and watched her.

She made a show of slowly moving their bags into the bedroom, and she knew that it was a game.

Because he had historically helped her with bags on every trip they’d ever taken, it wasn’t a lapse in chivalry.

But maybe she needed this. This feeling of being admired.

In a wholly sexual way. This strange, giddy sense of freedom as she was free from her inhibitions in front of him.

As she freed herself from inhibition in herself she hadn’t been aware was there.

When she was finished, he looked at her from his position on the couch, lazy, but it was deceptive. He was more like a predator. Just waiting.

“Come here,” he said.

Her body heated. She obeyed the command. She sat down on his lap, his jeans rough against her backside. Then he gripped her chin and kissed her, holding her right where he wanted her, one hand resting on her thigh, the other holding her face as he took the kiss deeper and deeper.

She shivered. The very deliberate way that he didn’t touch her all over was beginning to drive her mad, his palm burning into her thigh, her whole body desperate for that kind of warmth.

She could feel his intense need to control the interactions between them. She wondered if on some level it was a punishment. For how long he’d had to wait. For some other failure on her part. Because there was a tension to all this that she didn’t quite understand.

But it felt good. So she wasn’t going to fight it. She wasn’t going to question it. He took her hand and guided it to the front of his jeans, to where he was hard and ready for her. She knew exactly what to do with that. She undid his belt, the button on his jeans, the zipper.

He moved his hand over her hair, down her back, and she followed the unspoken instruction, sliding off of his lap and down to the floor as she exposed him.

He put his finger under her chin, tilting her face up so that she met his gaze. “You’re gonna have to learn how to do this for me,” he said. “Don’t just do what he likes. Pay attention to what I like.”

She didn’t even want to think about that. Because how could she compare her previous experience to this? There was no way. She wouldn’t lie. Typically, in her marriage, she looked at a blow job as a gift. For him.

But this…this felt like something for her. Like he was offering her the prize.

She leaned in, testing him, his responses, to her lips, her tongue. To taking him deep, to going slow or fast.

Using her hands.

She was so aroused she thought she was going to die from it. But what a way to go.

She couldn’t complain.

Abruptly he gripped her hair and stopped her, guiding her back up onto his lap. He was still mostly clothed, but he guided her over his arousal, and she sank slowly onto him, biting her lip as he filled her.

He held her hips as she rode him, as they established a rhythm that worked for them both.

He gripped the back of her head, pressing her forehead to his, praising her, telling her how beautiful she was. How good she felt.

Her climax hit her before she was ready. Before she had even really felt it build. The cry that escaped her mouth was half shock, half deep pleasure.

His head fell back, his teeth clenched together, his jaw tight as he held her, and gave himself up to his own release.

“I knew I picked a good place,” he said.

She laughed and moved forward, pressing her head to his chest.

They were going to sleep in the same bed tonight. All night.

She didn’t know how she felt about it, but she knew it was going to happen. She wanted it. She just didn’t know how she felt about it.

They got into the hot tub, and everything that happened there felt a little bit naughty and just plain fun. It was amazing, how being with him cut the way it did, but also was just so enjoyable.

By the time they went to bed, she was exhausted in the best way. She just felt satisfied. Boneless. Better than she had for a very long while.

It was so domestic, brushing her teeth in the same bathroom where he had just brushed his.

She hadn’t stood next to him while he did it or anything.

She was in no hurry to make things too cozy.

She liked the edge to this. The danger. She liked the way he was Logan, but also felt a little bit like a stranger.

Because this was a whole new part of him. She didn’t need to turn it into…

She deliberately didn’t think about relationship words.

She walked out of the bathroom, and he was already in bed, shirtless, and she really would never get tired of looking at his torso.

She had put on some sweats after the hot tub, after their shower, which had been slick and wonderful, but now she was feeling a little bit overdressed. She took her shirt off and shimmied out of her pants, and got beneath the covers next to him.

The sheets were soft against her skin, and he wrapped his arm around her, his skin hot against hers.

It felt so deliberate, climbing into bed with him like this. Deliberate and sexy and also like an out-of-body experience. To be beside him like this.

She reached her hand out and put it on his chest, looking up at him. “I guess I didn’t ask if you wanted me to sleep in a different room.”

“Why would I want that?” He reached out and pulled her against him. “It would be inconvenient.”

“Yeah,” she said. “I guess it would be.”

She had a lot of questions she wanted to ask. Like if he normally shared beds with women. Or if this was different for him. Strange. If this was something completely outside of his comfort zone.

Maybe he always slept with the women he was having sex with.

She stopped herself from going down that path. This was just the two of them. There was no room for anyone else in this bed.

No ghosts of marriages past or anything else.

She listened to the beat of his heart. Wondered if she was crazy or if it actually sounded new.

Well, it didn’t matter what was true, she supposed. It felt true.

This felt different. Like theirs.

She had been consumed by what the future might hold. She had been consumed with untangling the past and all of her issues. But she was determined to let this trip be about now. About the two of them.

About herself and this moment.

She could think of nothing she wanted more.