Page 24

Willow

P ain gripped my stomach, pulling me from a deep sleep snuggledagainst the warmth of James’ body. As I shifted, there was a familiar sticky feeling between my legs, and I knew instinctively what it was.

Doing my best to not disturb him, I pulled out of his embraceand tiptoed naked to the bathroom where I grabbed some tissue to wipe myself. Sure enough, my period had started.

A mixture of emotions coursed through me. Relief, because I was inno way ready to have a child, not when I was barely an adult myself. But relief was mixed with disappointment. My body had let Jamesdown, and I knew he would be furious.

Strangely, the disappointment outweighed the relief. I didn’t like theidea of failing him. The more time I spent with James, the more a need to please him grew within me. I didn’t know how that had happened when I was so determined to hold onto my hate for him, yet there I was, disappointed that I wasn’t carrying his child.

As I searched through the cupboards to grab the tampons Edith hadbrought me last month, I wondered how on earth I couldn’t be pregnant given the amount of times James had fucked me.

Was there something wrong with me?

What if I couldn’t actually have children? Surely, James wouldn’t wantme if I couldn’t give him what he wanted.

The thought left a bitter taste in my mouth.

Finding the tampons, I showered and cleaned myself upbefore using one. With a towel wrapped around me, I stepped back into the bedroom, freezing on the spot when my gaze found James sitting upright in bed. Ice descended through my veins as I watched him stare down at thepatch of blood where I’d been sleeping. It hadn’t even occurred to me that I may have bled onto the sheets.

His head lifted to me, his dark eyes finding mine.“You’vestarted your period.”It wasn’t a question because the undeniable answer was staring him in the face.

Words lodged in my throat as trepidation crawled around my body. Inodded my head and braced myself for his fury. He tore his eyes from me and stared down at the bedding again, thunderous clouds gathering in his orbs.

After a few seconds, he got out of bed and pulled his boxers onbefore marching over to the door, avoiding my gaze.“I’ll get Edith to change the bedding,”he said, his tone void of any emotion.

I swallowed. I knew the right thing to do was to let him go, but thepang of guilt that I’d disappointed him was growing to epic proportions, and I didn’t want him to leave being angry at me.

“Please don’t be mad at me.”The words caught in my throat, and Iregretted speaking the minute they left my mouth.

James paused. He kept his back to me for a few seconds before heabruptly turned and charged across the room to where I hovered, his hands balled into fists by his side. My entire body tensed as he stopped only an inch away from me, hisnostrils flaring, and the storm clouds in his eyes now swirling like a hurricane. When he raised his hand, I couldn’t help but flinch, waiting for a strike to come.

He froze.

I held my breath.

His brows furrowed, hurt flashing in his eyes as he lowered his hand.“Did you think I was going to hit you?”

Tears stung my eyes at hearing the devastation in his voice. He’dnever hit me before. Sure, he was rough during sex, he’d hurt me several times when he fucked me, but he’d never hit me, so I wasn’t sure why I thought he was going to strike me then.

Maybe because I was so used to being beaten any time I was seenas a disappointment.

“I am not my father,“ he gritted out venomously.

“I’m sorry,”I replied, my voice small in the enormous room.

His jaw clenched as he towered over me, his eyes hardening. Aheavy tension crackled between us before he looked away.“No, I’m not mad. It is what it is.”

He turned away and headed back to the door. Hurt still laced his tone,and guilt rushed through me, his words from the night before ringing in my ears. His father had beaten his mom, and James had said he was more like his father than he’d wanted to admit.

When he’d said that, I’d wanted to tell him that he wasn’t anything likehis father. That his dad was a cold, heartless man, incapable of love.But the words just wouldn’t come, and as his breaths became deep and even, telling me he’d fallen asleep, I lay awake in the safety of his arms wishing I’d told him that he was nothing like his father.

Because he wasn’t.

Yes, James could be cruel. He’d shown that side of himself time andtime again. But he had another side to him. A side that he was slowly showing the closer we became. If he was like his father, he would have left me to die in the woods. He wouldn’t have stood up for me when his father demanded I show my scars. He wouldn’t whisper words of possession when he was buried deep inside me.

“James, wait,”I called before I could take the coward’s way out asecond time.

He stopped at the door, his head turning to look over his shoulder, buthe didn’t meet my eyes, instead, keeping them focused on the plush carpet.

I took a hesitant step forward, chewing my lip as I thought about whatI wanted to say. What I wanted him to hear.“I was taught to be quiet. To not be seen or heard. To not speak unless spoken to,”I said, saying the words that had churned over in my head until sleep had claimed me. He finally met my eyes, a crease pulling between his brows.“I was a ghost, but being a ghost has its benefits. You learn without interruption. You get to see people for who they truly are.”

I took another step forward, James’ gaze searing into me as if hecouldn’t understand the language I was speaking.“I see you, James. I see the real you. You’re nothing like your father. There’s good inside of you. Buried under the walls you’ve erected, there’s a good heart that beats.”

He didn’t reply for a long minute, only staring long and hard at me ashis eyes darted between mine before his features turned stoic once more.“If you believe that, then you’re more naive than I ever thought.”

He reached for the door handle, but I stepped forward.“Maybe Iam,”I said quickly, halting his movements.“Maybe I’m naive for believing that, but I do. I believe it with all my heart.”I took another step, closing the distance between us, watching as his body tensed as if he was scared I was going to touch him.“You’re a good man, James. You may believe you’re like your father, only capable of cruelty, but I’ve seen differently. I see how you love Kiera and Billie. I saw the love you held for your mom. Love that your father is incapable of.”

I bit my lip, stopping myself from telling James that I saw how helooked at me when he thought I wasn’t looking.

Like I was his lifeline.

He didn’t move, his chest barely rising as he inhaled, and his darkeyes holding me captive, but there was something different to them. Light had begun to seep in, chasing away the storm clouds only to be extinguished when James shook his head.

“Edith will be in shortly to change the bed.”With that, he left,slamming the door behind him.

James didn’t come near or by the bedroom all day. By the time Edithcame to change the bedsheets, my cramps were in full swing. Nausea consumed me so badly that I couldn’t face eating a scrap of food, and despite wanting to go outside to enjoy the warm day, the only thing I could do to ease the pain was to curl up into a ball on the soft bed, and hope the cramps would ease up.

When night fell, and James still hadn’t come to bed, I gave upwaiting, and climbed under the sheets, accepting that he was avoiding me. I tossed and turned, unable to get comfortable, and bile creeping up my throat from the nausea still churning in my stomach.

Remembering that the last time I felt like this, I’d managed to fallasleep next to the open balcony doors, I grabbed my pillow and clambered out of bed, not bothering to turn the light on.

I cracked open the doors, the fresh air brushing over my sweatyskin, and instantly cooling me. Dropping the pillow on the floor, I laid down, the plush carpet almost as comfortable as the bed. With the air gently blowing over me, I closed my eyes and waited forsleep to come, but a few minutes later, the bedroom door creaked as it was pushed open, and then closed again.

Light footsteps padded across the room, making as little noise aspossible. I didn’t move. I knew it was James, but I didn’t know what mood I’d find him in, and the last thing I wanted was for him to demand sex. I wasn’t sure I’d be able to take the pain of him being inside me when I ached so much.

The shuffling of clothing filled the room as James undressed, followedby the mattress squeaking as he got into bed.

“Mouse?”James hissed as he suddenly flailed around. A secondlater, his bedside lamp switched on, illuminating the room. I opened my eyes to find his panicked gaze darting around the room, relief filling them when he found me lying on the floor.“What are you doing down there?”

I stayed in the position I was in; curled up like a fetus in a womb.“Iwasn’t feeling too well. I was getting some fresh air.”

He was out of the bed and marching over to me in an instant, wearingonly his boxer briefs, and worry creasing his brow. I didn’t have the energy to sit up, right at that moment, a cramp gripped me in its vices, almost taking my breath away.

“Is it your stomach?”James asked, lowering himself to his knees, andplacing a hand on my forehead to check my temperature.

“Yes.”

“Did Edith not bring you any pain relief?”he snapped angrily.

“I didn’t ask,”I admitted weakly, earning a deep scowl from him.

“Why the fuck didn’t you ask if you’re in that much pain?”he growledas his hand tenderly stroked my head.

I shrugged.“I was never allowed any pain relief at Peartree House.I’m used to feeling this way for a few days whenever I get my period. It’ll soon pass.”

His eyes narrowed on me before he scooped me into hisarms and stood. He carried me over to the bed, placing me on top of the sheets before he cursed under his breath and disappeared out of the room.

I didn’t have the energy to move again. Didn’t have the energy to carethat I’d pissed him off. All I wanted was to go to sleep. I knew I’d feel better in a couple of days, I just had to get through the worst of it.

James burst back into the room holding a glass of water in one hand,a pack of tablets in the other, and a hot water bottle under one arm.

“Take two of these,”he huffed, thrusting the pill packet and the glassof water at me.

I sat up and took the Advil from him, popping two pills out andswallowing them with the water, James’ watchful glare on me the entire time. Once I’d put the glass of water on the side, James handed me the hot water bottle.

“It’ll help ease the cramps. Kiera used to get bad pains too, and shealways had a hot water bottle to help her.”

“Thank you,”I replied gratefully. I took it from him and placed itagainst my belly. Within minutes, the heat began to ease the cramps.

James slid into bed next to me and turned the light off without anotherword or kissing me goodnight. He didn’t pull me into his arms like he usually did either.

I closed my eyes, the pain slowly beginning to ease for the first timeall day as I listened to James breathing next to me. Just when I thought he was asleep, he sighed heavily.“Damn it, Mouse. Don’t ever suffer again. If you’re in pain, you tell me. Do you hear? You tell me,”he gritted out as if he was the one in pain.

I twisted my head to face him, his silhouette visible in the soft glowcoming in from the open balcony doors. He was staring up at the ceiling, his jaw clenched like it always was when he was angry.

“I will,”I replied, turning my head back to copy him and staring at theceiling, a small smile creeping over my lips.

He was nothing like his father.

The glint of hate that had seemed permanent in James’ eyewhenever he looked at me disappeared over the next four days. I wasn’t sure if it was from me telling him he was nothing like his father or if he hated seeing me in pain.

Either way, I had somehow smashed down another steel wall he’derected around his heart.

Each day, he took time out of his busy work schedule to find me,and make sure I was taking pain relief to ease the cramps, as well as ordering Edith to reheat my water bottle every few hours.

At night, when James came to bed long after I’d fallen asleep, hedidn’t wake me for sex. Instead, he would pull me into his arms, and lightly kiss my head before holding me against his solid body for the entire night.

With every passing day, the man hiding under the monster was slowlycoming out, and despite the way he’d treated me in the past, I couldn’t stop a strange feeling from blooming in my chest whenever I looked at him.

I knew I was being stupid. James may have softened toward me, but Iknew he would never love me. Not the way I wanted to be loved. But that didn’t stop me from lying in bed at night, wishing to hear words that I couldn’t remember ever hearing from a single living soul.

My cramps settled after a few days, and I rejoined James for ourevening meal. I hadn’t been able to bring myself to eat much while the cramps had been raging, and even though James had insisted I ate something, he hadn’t forced me to join him for dinner.

One of the kitchen staff brought our dinner to us in the dining room.She pulled off the silver cloche, revealing a mouthwatering dinner of chicken in red wine jus, asparagus, and roast potatoes.

As usual, we ate in silence, but every so often, our eyes met acrossthe table, and a thick tension began to build around us. My gut told me James had something to say, but for some reason, he was holding back.

Once we had both finished, he cleared his throat.“It’s my mom’sfuneral tomorrow.”He paused, not quite meeting my eye. I waited with bated breath, not sure of how to respond. But he continued.“I want you to come with me. I…I need you there.”

In my chest, that strange feeling grew stronger at his admittance.“Okay,”I replied, dabbing my mouth with my napkin and trying to ignore the feeling of elation sweeping through me at his admittance of needing me.

James’ body visibly relaxed as if he’d been expecting me to say Ididn’t want to go. I gave him a small, reassuring smile, holding his gaze only for him to break away when the maid came in to clear our plates.

When she closed the door behind her, I waited for James to excuseme from the table like he had done the previous nights, but instead, he poured himself another glass of wine before reaching across the table to top up my glass.

“There’s something else I need to speak to you about, Mouse,”hesaid softly, almost hesitantly. He took a mouthful of his wine, the red of the liquid staining his lips until his tongue darted out to wipe the drops away.“I think I’ve found out something about your past.”

My eyes widened in disbelief, unsure I’d heard correctly.“What?”Ireplied tentatively, trying to tamper down the sparkle of hope that had glimmered to life, despite a little voice in my head telling me not to ask any more questions because it would only end in pain.

James bobbed his head, a crease forming between his brows.“Iknow you’ll have questions, but there are certain things I can’t tell you. I just need you to trust what I’m telling you.”

I blinked at him, my intrigue spiking. Trusting James was somethingthat shouldn’t come easy, but as I stared back at him, it occurred to me that I did trust him. In a weird way, I’d come to trust him more than I’d ever trusted anyone.

“Okay.”

James sucked in a deep breath, his nostrils flaring as he let it out.“Ihave a friend. Cleo. She…”he paused, as if he was having to choose his words carefully.“She’s very good at making people disappear. Not killing them,”he added when I inhaled sharply.“She’s a master at forging documents. People pay her thousands of dollars to create new identities for them and remove every trace of their old life from ever existing so there is no chance of them being found.”

My brows rose in surprise at learning there were really people in theworld who could forge documents, and make people disappear. I thought that only happened in books and movies.

“About eight years ago, Kevin Welch contacted Cleo,”Jamescontinued, ignoring the way my brows rose even higher at hearing the name of my old Director.“He told her he had a friend who needed new identities for her and her little girl.”The delicious dinner I’d eaten began to turn to bitter acid in my stomach as James spoke.“The woman wanted to start a new life with her daughter after her husband was killed in a car crash.”

Instinctively, I knew James was talking about my parents, and I wasthe little girl, even if I didn’t know how I knew.

“Cleo couldn’t remember the real names of the woman and herdaughter, but she remembered the little girl had heterochromia. I showed her your picture. She confirmed the little girl was you.”

I swallowed the lump in my throat as I stared back at James, hiswords sinking in about the reason the woman wanted to start a new life.

My father was dead.

Tears pricked my eyes, wanting to fall for a man I couldn’t remember.My heart breaking for a man I’d never get to meet.

James watched me intently, a look in his eye I’d never seen on himbefore.

Pity.

A heavy silence filled the void between us. Despite James warningme not to ask questions, I couldn’t stop one from falling from my lips.“What about my mom? Is she dead?”

The words broke as they came out. Broken, just like my soul.

“I don’t know,”James replied stoically.“Without a last name to workwith, it’s impossible to find anything. I’ve spent the last few days trying to identify the crash that could have involved your dad, but there are just too many in North Carolina to narrow it down. That’s if he even died there.”

I closed my eyes, my back beginning to burn as the same black holeloomed in my mind, my past lost somewhere in the abyss. A small sob of frustration wanted to escape as I tried to reach into the black hole and grab onto the memories I was so desperate to remember.

But it was no use. The memories were gone.

I opened my eyes again to find James watching me, his brows pulledtogether in worry. For a few minutes, neither of us spoke. His words repeated over and over in my mind until it stopped on something he’d said.

“North Carolina?”I said, a pang of familiarity washing through me.

“Yeah. Cleo thought you might have lived in Charlotte.”

As if the black hole in my mind had just sucked me in, everythingaround me blurred. An invisible vice wrapped around my chest, squeezing my lungs, and making it impossible to breathe. Searing pain flared along the scarred skin on my back as if I was on fire, all the while, one word continued to spin around and around in my head.

Charlotte.

Charlotte.

Charlotte.

“Willow. Breathe,”James’ stern voice penetrated through the thick,black bubble that had surrounded me, his concerned eyes pulling me back into the light.

As the darkness cleared, I realized James was now kneeling in frontof me, both my hands were gripped in his as he squeezed them reassuringly to let me know he was there.

“Are you okay?”he asked, reaching out to swipe a tear away.

I tried to speak, but the words stuck in my throat from the myriad offeelings dominating me. I closed my eyes and inhaled a deep breath, telling myself that I could do this.

“I…I don’t,”I started, every part of me screaming, telling me to keepmy mouth shut.“I don’t think I lived in Charlotte,”I stammered, and as I said the words, something in my gut told me that what I was about to say was one hundred percent correct.“I think…my name is Charlotte.”