Page 49 of Crescendo

Ella

I wished it could be easier, that it could make sense. I wished I knew what to do, what to say, how to make it all okay.

I wished LA were closer.

By the time I’d walked myself to Sian’s place—a decent walk from Queen’s Gate Terrace—I was soaked through from the rain and barely even registered it. All I could think about was the broken look in Lydia’s eyes.

Of course, we’d been fools to let it go this far without talking about it.

We’d been fools to think either of us could do casual.

Nothing had ever been casual and it seemed like neither of us wanted it to be.

But LA and London were not close together.

Five thousand four hundred and thirty-seven long miles.

Not to mention the time difference. How did you make something like that work?

It wasn’t like I resented her not wanting to leave.

It was her home. Her friends, her job, her life were all there.

She couldn’t give all of that up for someone she’d only been with for two months.

I wasn’t in a better position to leave my life here, either.

My job, my friends, my flat, and my dads…

I couldn’t have them live through losing one child only to have the other disappear across the world.

I rang the doorbell of Sian’s flat.

“Hello?” Sian’s voice called through the crackly speaker.

“Hey,” I said, and I could hear the heavy tone in my voice.

“Ella? Come on up.” She buzzed me in and even the door sticking slightly like it always did felt like some kind of cosmic consequence for falling for someone I couldn’t be with—or for being too afraid of the consequences to tell her how much she meant to me.

I climbed the stairs to Sian’s apartment and found her leaning against the doorframe waiting for me—joggers, messy hair, and glasses. She only ever wore them at home. I guessed she’d been caught in a downpour on her way home from our place too.

She sighed. “Well, you’ve looked better lately.”

I shot her a look. “Thank you. It’s raining.”

“Hm. Not what I meant, but sure. Come on in. We’ll get you a hot drink.”

It was really my fault for assuming that she meant the two of us with that comment. However, I stepped into her little living-dining-kitchen combo and found Bansi sitting at the breakfast bar like he belonged there.

I paused, eyes wide.

“Hey, Ella. Is Lydia with you?” he asked.

“No,” I replied, a little too slowly. “Did you… come straight from our place to here?”

He hummed, nodding his head as he downed the rest of his drink. A homemade masala chai, I realised, clocking the pan on the stove and the scent of warm spices in the air.

How long had Lydia and I been talking? How slowly had I been walking?

He jumped up, shooting a wide grin at the both of us. “I’ll leave you to it. I’m sure you have lots to talk about.”

“Thanks, Bansi,” Sian said—as if none of this were weird.

“Oh, it’s my pleasure. The chai was absolute perfection.”

She laughed. “You did most of the work.”

“Well, next time, you’ll know how to do it, and then it will be all you. And I know you’ll be amazing at it.”

I stared at them in confusion as they shared a few more parting words. Not one part of me understood what was going on.

“You look like a fish,” Sian said once we were alone.

“Can you blame me?” I made sure to close my mouth, though. “Bansi was in your home. Bansi. ”

“Yes, I know his name. You introduced us.”

“Right. So, is there something you need to tell me?”

“No?”

I laughed once in shock. “So, you’re not… dating Bansi? Sleeping with him?”

“No! Of course not.” She frowned and shook her head. “I mean, we made out one time, but that was just the one time.”

My body, which had started relaxing, froze again. “You did what?”

She shot me a look and rounded the breakfast bar. “You’re not twelve, Ella. Making out with someone isn’t that big of a deal.”

“Oh, right,” I said, moving somewhat mechanically onto the stool Bansi hadn’t just vacated. “So, if I’d just told you Lydia and I made out once and it wasn’t a big deal, you’d have bought that?”

She snorted, pausing from where she was clearly preparing me a cup of chai to look at me. “No, because nothing between you two is a small deal. She doesn’t seem to come in that setting and—actually, why are you even here? Shouldn’t you two be enjoying that gift I generously supplied?”

I sighed. “Don’t worry about it.”

“Now, I’m definitely worried about it.”

“It’s fine. Don’t change the subject. What the hell’s going on with you and Bansi? And how on earth did you end up making out with him?”

She finished pouring the chai and slid the mug towards me. “He and I have a lot in common. We got to talking about our families wanting us to go into medicine, how our true passions lie in music, you know… just all that stuff. So, yeah, we exchanged numbers and became friends.”

“Okay. I can see that from both of you.”

Sian rolled her eyes and slipped into the seat next to me. “Sometimes, you’re just questioning some things and need a friend to help you out.”

“Right. Like, with work or family or your other friends, right?”

“Sure. Or, you know, whether you’re gay or bi.”

“You’ve got some guts telling me I’m not twelve and kissing isn’t a big deal if you’re up in here kissing your friends to check what it’s like.”

She laughed. “You asked.”

I reached over to the little tea strainer. “And you just happened to have cardamom pods in the cupboard?”

“No. I bought them after he told me he’d teach me how to make a good masala chai.”

“How many times has he been here?”

“How many times has he been to your place?” she shot back. “It’s not weird having your friends over.”

“It is if you’ve made out.”

“It was one time. Get over it.”

I shook my head. “You’re ridiculous.”

“Why? You know I’d tell you if it were more than that, and it’s not. Now, we’re just friends and I’m giving him advice about the music biz over here. It’s fine.”

“Sure.”

She grinned. “More importantly, want to tell me why you’re here and not with Lydia, who you’re actually kissing on the regular?”

I let out a heavy sigh. For one minute, I’d been able to focus on something else, but here we were. “What are we doing, Sian?”

“You and me? Drinking chai and drying off, at least in your case—do you want to borrow something less wet?” She gestured to my soggy jeans.

“It’s fine, thank you. But no. Lydia. Me. That whole thing.”

She furrowed her brow. “Did you have a fight?”

“Ha. No. Not exactly. We had a… fizzle.” I held my breath momentarily, feeling the way my lungs burned from already missing her before she’d even gone anywhere.

“The whole sad conversation about what happens when Crescendo ends. She can’t leave her life.

I can’t leave mine. Neither of us good at doing casual… evidently.”

Sian put her mug down. “Ah.”

“Yep.”

“You caught real feelings for her.”

“Yep.”

“And she did for you.”

“Seems like it.”

“Oh, that wasn’t a question. It’s clear when the two of you are together.”

I scowled. “That’s not helpful.”

“It’s not meant to be. This whole thing is messy and complicated, but it’s not going to stop you feeling how you feel.” She laughed. “Honestly, the idea that you both thought you could be with someone you’re living with for two months and not fall for each other is wild.”

“I’m sure some people pull that off,” I said, indignant.

“Maybe. But those people aren’t you two. And you weren’t going to make yourself into those people just by willing it to be.”

I looked down, staring at my hands in my lap. “But it’s still worth all the pain, so it’s not like I’d do anything differently if I did it all again.”

She hummed in a way that made me look back at her. “And you’re just planning to let that go?”

“What?”

“You’re sitting here, looking like a shell of a person again, and you’re saying you would do it all again just to have these few months with her, but you’re going to let her walk away.”

“Right.” I didn’t think she needed to go quite so readily for the jugular, but that was fine. I knew what I’d needed when I’d shown up here.

“How often do you think that comes along? Someone you’d willingly hurt for just to have a little bit of time with them?”

Tears sprung up and burned in my eyes, my chest tight.

I knew what she was saying. I knew it better than most people.

Life was so short and could hurt so much.

To find someone who brought you back to life—made it rich and colourful and beautiful—wasn’t something that came along very often.

Someone you wanted to hurt for if it meant another minute with them… It was something I actively avoided.

I hadn’t done any dating in the last four years, but what did I think it was going to look like after Lydia left? It would be a lifetime of missing her, of wishing she could be around every corner, of comparing every person I met to her—the one who brought me back to life.

Sian put a hand on my shoulder, ignoring the spot where the rain had been so relentless it had managed to penetrate my allegedly waterproof jacket. “I can’t tell you what to do, but I can tell you that I don’t think you should just give up something that means this much to you.”

“We went in knowing it was only two months…”

“No, you went in knowing each other less and thinking you only had two months. You weren’t feeling then what you’re feeling now. Whatever you said back then might have been true, but that’s the beauty of life, we change and grow as people and the things we want change, too.”

“It’s not even been two whole months yet. We can’t be—” Asking for life-changing things? Commitment? Promises? What?

“You’ve been living together. Most people who just started dating see each other a couple of times a week at most. You two have barely been apart. Your feelings are fine. And so are hers.”

I sighed sadly. “LA is really far away.”

“So’s the moon, but you’re telling me you wouldn’t go there to find her?”

I stared at her. “How is that remotely helpful?”