Page 14

Chapter Thirteen

Nathan

We step into the cool, quiet hallway, and I lead her down the carpeted corridor to the paneled glass door at the end. I scan my card to open the door to the hardly-used conference room, push the door open, and gesture for her to go in.

She huffs but enters.

The moment I cross the threshold, I drag her back into me, then push her against the door and crash my lips down to hers, swallowing her surprised gasp.

The kiss is savage, full of frustration and pent-up desire. She slaps her palms against my chest, intending to push me away, but within a few moments, she changes her mind, bunching my T-shirt in her hands and pulling me closer to her instead.

Her lips open under mine, and I sweep my tongue into her mouth. Her taste and scent intoxicate me until suddenly, it’s not enough.

My hand strokes down her back and around the ample curve of her butt. I pull her closer to me as I grind my aching cock against her.

I hear her throaty moans, and my control starts to splinter.

We should stop before I take her against this door. In full-view of anyone who decides to step out of the hall because the door and walls to this room are transparent.

I tear my mouth away and lean my temple against her forehead, shutting my aching balls down.

“Tess. Baby.” I pant, gulping in air like I’ve just run a marathon.

She tries to catch her breath, clearly still affected by our kiss.“So, how did you work this out in your head? That you’re just going to kiss me and I’ll fall back into your arms?”

“Tess—”

“All this time, you knew. In the cafeteria, the selfish woman you were on about was my mother. Do you have any idea how stupid I felt back in that detective’s office?”

I keep my tone even when I reply, “Baby, lots of people in Valencia know about your parents. People who went to high school with them all know the truth. You can’t be mad at one person for not telling you a random fact about them. A fact that even the detectives could have filled you in on if they weren’t born yesterday.”

“But you were supposed to be different!” She pushes me away, practically yelling now.

I raise my brows. “How?”

“Because you’re… you. ” Her fists relax, her upper lip wobbling slightly. “You knew. Back at the Citrus Fest five years ago, when I came on to you like an idiot.”

Her voice breaks on the last word, and she turns away from me, putting her fist up against her mouth to keep a sob in. I catch the glint of a tear as it rolls down her cheek.

The image sears a hole into my heart.

“Baby.” I go to her and slip my arms around her. “You’re not an idiot, and you did nothing wrong. You knew what you wanted and were brave enough to go for it.”

She shrugs my arms off and turns to look at me, but I continue speaking. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about your mom. It’s just that I find it extremely difficult to talk about what happened.”

She nods in acknowledgment but folds her arms around her midriff, hugging herself. I see her mentally gearing herself up for what she plans to say next, and I know she still has something to get off her chest.

“Make me understand, Nathan. Did you see me as some kind of challenge?”

“A challenge?” I question, not liking the direction this conversation is going one single bit.

“My family took your land, then my dad took my mother, the one who got away from your twin brother, and so you thought you’d bang the daughter to get even?”

If she’d struck me, I wouldn’t have been more shocked.

“Tess, so help me if you don’t kill that theory right now, I’ll spank you so hard that you won’t be sitting right for weeks.”

My sensual promise—or threat, depending on how she views it—doesn’t faze her at all. “But something got into you that night in the limo. You and my dad argued about my mom, and all of a sudden, you were all over me. Something got you riled up. I thought it was me you wanted. Apparently, I was wrong.”

I huff out a disbelieving breath. “Tess, do not talk to me about wanting. Want is too tame a word for what I feel. Do you have any idea how hard it’s been staying away from you since that night?”

I grab her hand and hold it against my crotch. “I’m hard as a rock all the time, jacking off to thoughts of you multiple times a day like a goddamned teenager. I’m literally shaking with the need to sink myself balls deep inside you.”

I should have been repulsed at the physical representation of the woman whose love damned Ciaran. I should not be getting all over the same woman’s daughter, aching for her like an addict craving his next hit.

“I needed comfort and an outlet for my rage, Tess, just like you did for your hurt.”

Her breath hitches at my fevered words, but her reply slices into me. “How do I even know that it was really your twin brother who was in love with my mom and not you?”

I level her with a look. “Because I’m alive and he’s dead.”

“What do you mean? I want to know everything,” she demands.

I know what I should do. But it’s a story I haven’t told anyone, ever. It haunts me daily, but I’ve never let myself express it.

Every part of me is resisting telling her the truth. So, I keep my focus on that one tear track, on how much better Tess will feel when I tell her what I’ve been hiding.

I sigh as the painful memories wash over me. “Mary was a new transfer. Black, I mean Ciaran, saw her on the first day of school and fell in love instantly. I’d never seen my brother like that before.”

I feel another hole sear itself in my heart as I recall my brother. Really recall him, the way I’ve not let myself do in years. I’m surprised that it doesn’t hurt as much as I expect it to, especially with Tess right in front of me.

“They wanted to get married right after high school. There were financial struggles. Mary’s family was very poor, and her father was in a series of huge debts.”

Suddenly weary, I pull up one of the chairs by the large desk and drop into it. “We were also dirt poor, but Ciaran and I did a lot of work on the side. Mainly on the Blackwell Orchards. We did a bit of everything– cleaning, garbage collection, DIY…you name it.”

“What about your father?” she asks.

“Dad died early on. Bone cancer.”

After taking another deep breath, I continue to spill the truth, “Ciaran and Mary were in love, and naive enough to believe that love solved everything. Even the prospect of living in penury for the first few years while Ciaran went to med school could not change their minds.”

A soft look enters her eyes. “He was going to be a doctor, too?”

I nod, then elaborate, “He was a third-year cardiology resident when he died.”

“Oh, my God. What happened?” Tessa asks, her tone low.

“Just after high school, Ciaran and Mary were all over each other. They couldn’t stand to be apart for more than a few hours at a time. I warned them they were moving too fast, but they just couldn’t help themselves. She was often unable to wait until evening and would come visit Ciaran while we worked on the Blackwell Orchard.”

“Was that when my dad saw Mom?”

I shake my head no. “He’d seen her all year but never paid any attention to her. John had his bevy of girls, and Mary wasn’t his regular type. But he must have seen both of them together at some point. Seen their passion and desire. How Mary just couldn’t stay away from Ciaran. And he decided he wanted her for himself.”

When I take too long of a pause, Tessa comes to me, sits at the edge of the desk, and waves for me to carry on. “So, what happened after that?”

“Suddenly, Mary became preoccupied with money. How much money Ciaran was going to be making as a doctor, and how long it would take to start making it. I thought those were red flags, but there was no stopping him. Finally, Ciaran proposed to her. Mary said no.”

“No!” she protests, an anguished look appearing on her face. Even though she already knows who Mary ended up marrying, she asks, “But why?”

“Turned out she was already engaged. To John Blackwell, the son of the wealthiest man in town.”

The man whose father we worked for to save money for med school.

I want to pause, but finally getting to tell this story feels liberating; like a closed wound finally being exposed to air.

“Ciaran was broken. They’d spent the entire week before he proposed together in Ciaran’s studio apartment, and she’d been engaged to another man all that time.”

Tess takes a sharp breath.

“I couldn’t forgive Mary for that. Ciaran was adamant that there had to be a reason why she did that and was intent on finding answers, but Mary refused to see him—either of us, actually. Because at some point I had to let go of my rage and try to help my brother win her back.”

“Oh, my God Nathan, I am so sorry,” Tess whispers.

I nod to acknowledge her empathy. “She and John were married the following month. Of course, we attended the wedding. Well, more like I couldn’t stop Ciaran from going, so I followed to ensure that he wouldn’t do anything stupid. But it was no use. She hardly spared him a glance.”

“Oh, my.” I see the glint of fresh tears in Tess’s eyes before she quickly wipes them away with the heel of her palm.

“I’ve never known pain like that in my life, and it wasn't even mine to bear, it was my twin brother’s. I was devastated for Ciaran and found it hard to believe that Mary chose money over love.”

“But, Nathan, can’t you see? There must have been a reason. You said her family was drowning in debt. Maybe Mom was under a lot of pressure to help her family out?” I see how she’s struggling to accept what her mother did, and a part of me feels bad for tarnishing the memory of the one loving, albeit distant, parent she had.

“I’m afraid I can’t excuse her sleeping with my brother, a man who loved her more than life itself, while being engaged to another man,” I return harshly.

Tess nods slowly. I can practically see the wheels turning in her head as she digests this new piece of information about her mother, no doubt trying, and failing, to reconcile the woman she knew with the one I’m describing to her.

I continue in a rush, unable to stop the torrent of words despite knowing that she probably needs a break to deal with what she has learned.

“I kept believing that Ciaran would get over her. He had a lot going for him, you see: he was smart, ambitious, handsome. I was wrong. He spiraled out of control instead. Dropped out of med school in our third year. He eventually made it through with honors, after a couple of gap years, so I thought that he’d finally gotten over her.”

Feeling restless, I stand and pace the room. This part is the most difficult for me to accept. The main reason I swore to myself never to lose myself in the pursuit of love or marriage. I shove my fisted hand into my pockets and make myself go on.

“I should have known something was very wrong when Ciaran started stalking Mary. A few years into her unhappy marriage, they had an affair, and he managed to convince Mary to leave John. She promised to. Only, she changed her mind at the last minute and instead filed a restraining order against Ciaran.”

“Ciaran couldn’t believe that she’d done that to him again, but he forgave her. Believe it or not, Mary and Ciaran somehow got together and started up another affair. This time, he ended up being thrown in jail for violating his restraining order.”

I turn back to Tess. She just looks dazed. I start to wonder if she’s been listening at all when she urges me to continue in a hollow voice, “So, was that the end for them?”

If only that were the case, he might still be alive today.

I shake my head sadly. “In time, after he got out of prison. And of course, before long they wound up seeing each other again, with the promise that Mary would leave John this time. By then, the toxicity of that relationship disgusted me, and as much as I loved my brother, I didn’t want to know the details."

I come back to lean on the edge of the desk and sit close enough to Tess so our arms are touching. That small contact with her warms me, and I hope it does the same for her, too.

“Tess, my brother’s life slowly bled away while he waited for his life with Mary to start. And I had to watch that.

“Of course, she broke his heart again. This time, Ciaran went to Lake Orange and never returned.”

Gasping, Tess puts her hands over her face and weeps. Her pain is palpable in her stooped posture and soft, anguished sobs.

I put my arm around her shaking shoulders as my heart breaks for her. I can understand her shock and grief. I’ve lived with this nightmare for decades, so I’m somewhat numb to it. She is going through the emotions for the first time.

We’re both silent for a few minutes, mulling over the unfortunate tragedy.

Finally, Tess murmurs, “I can’t believe… I mean, Mom isn’t... couldn’t have done that to…”

I raise my brows, waiting for her to get her thoughts in order.

Finally, she takes a deep breath and stares at me. I’m surprised to see her eyes filled with accusation as well as tears.

“So, it was all because of them. My parents both destroyed your brother’s life. How you must hate them. My mother, especially. Perhaps a part of you even resents me,” she whispers.

“Come on, Tess. I don’t resent you. I loved my twin brother,” I assert.

“But you think my mom killed him.”

I keep my gaze locked on Tessa’s, making sure she can see my sincerity when I tell her, “Love killed him. He gave himself up to it, and it completely destroyed him.”

“And that’s why you can’t let yourself be in a relationship.”

“I told you that already, Tess.”

I can see emotion broiling in her green eyes. She’s getting even more upset, despite my attempts to reassure her that even though she’s Mary’s daughter, I don’t blame her for my brother’s death.

“Yes, Nathan, you did, and I thought I understood at the time. Now, I really see what you mean.” Something in her tone tells me that there’s more to her bland tone.

Her voice is almost icy when she spits, “But I suppose you’re good with one-night stands and fucks in limos, right?”

I flinch as an inexplicable pang of hurt hits me, but I respond in a lazy drawl, “Is that a problem for you? If I remember correctly, you didn’t want a relationship, either.”

She’s breathing hard now, her lips moist and parted, and my gaze is drawn to the rise and fall of her breasts. As usual, there’s an answering tightening in my groin, which I ignore.

“Don’t you put this on me, Nathan. You never did have any more to give. And you probably never will.”

I never will? That hurts. It shouldn’t, though, because remaining single is what I’ve always wanted. And a woman who understands early on that I can’t commit is something I always thought I needed.

“You seem to know a whole lot about my thoughts and intentions, Tess.”

She shrugs. “I’m just choosing to believe what you’re telling me. But it doesn’t matter. You’re right, I don’t want a relationship with you, either. It would jeopardize everything I’ve built, so…”

“Exactly. And since we perfectly understand each other, what the fuck are we arguing about, then?”

“Precisely. I don’t even see any point in us talking.” She motions back and forth between us. “Since we’re not even fucking, I mean.”

Whoa. Is she trying to get rid of me? “Well said, Tessa. I agree.”

“Fabulous!”

We stare at each other, neither one of us wanting to be the first to back down.

I see everything she’s not saying in her eyes. She wants more from me, but she doesn’t want to want more. That’s why she’s so upset and conflicted.

It just so happens that I want more, too. My mind burns with everything I want to admit but dare not say.

I want to give you more, Tess. So much more. Things I’ve never thought I’d want to give a woman. My name. My body. My children. My pleasure. My wealth.

My better judgment is screaming at me to take a step back from this insanity because those are the same things Ciaran wanted with Mary.

Instead, I take a literal step forward, and a mental step off the ledge. “Tess—”

“I should go home. I can’t be here with you. We’ll draw more attention than we already have.” She turns to leave, but I grab her arm to stop her.

Her interruption just saved me from blurting out some really crazy things. Things that cannot be unsaid once they’re out of my mouth.

I’d be wise to keep my mouth shut, so instead, I say. “No, Tess, you stay. The planning team will miss you if you leave. Not to mention, your hot rockstar friend .”

She snaps her head back to me, and I know my reference to Chris has annoyed her. I don’t care; better to have her angry than staring up at me with those doe eyes that beg me to give up everything.

To do those beautifully decadent things she needs to feel better but won’t admit to needing because she wants to remain professional.

“I’ll go instead. See you on Tuesday, Tess.” The Guardian Angels have requested an audience with senior executives for the initial presentation of the KidStation software, so I’ll have no choice but to see her during the meeting.

“See you, then,” she replies in a hard tone, but her eyes betray her reluctance to end the conversation.

Pulling open the door and leaving Tess with so much unsaid between us is suddenly the hardest thing I’ve ever done.