Page 49

CHAPTER THIRTY-SEVEN

S tars glitter in the dark blue heavens above me.

Dangling my legs over the edge of the roof, I lean back on my palms and gaze up at the beautiful night sky.

Warm winds ripple over the flat rooftop, making my long silver hair flutter.

Even though I’m only wearing a short black nightgown and a thin silk robe, I’m not cold.

We’re starting to get close to the end of spring now, and within the Unseelie Court’s wards, the temperature is even warmer.

I let out a sigh. Tilting my head back down, I stare out across the red tiled rooftops of the vast city around me. A strange sense of guilt twists in my stomach.

Draven and all of my friends are trapped in this court because they had to come here in order to save my life.

That is the sole reason we went to the Unseelie Court.

To save me. And since then, we have been thrown into one dangerous situation after another.

Been betrayed and tricked and deceived. Gotten tortured and suffered injuries in battle.

And despite all of that, I am actually glad that we came here.

Because of it, I managed to find an experienced emotion magic user who could actually teach me about my powers. With Jocasta’s training, I’m stronger and more powerful than ever. I have also learned that my relationship with my parents might not be what I thought it was.

If we had never come here, I would have gone the rest of my life thinking that my parents genuinely hated me simply because of who I am. But now, there is hope.

And, even though I’m still pissed at Isera for gagging me and trapping me in ice, we now also have a real chance at forcing the Unseelie Court to help us take down the Iceheart Dynasty.

Coming here, to this beautiful and dangerous court, has been more important than I could ever have imagined.

Guilt twists inside me again, and I tug self-consciously at the hem of my silk robe.

Everyone I care about is in danger, and we might never even make it out of this court at all, but I’m still glad we came?

The memory of that burning pit of rage and hatred deep inside me, the one that I barely dare look inside, flits through my mind again.

And a sudden chill rolls down my spine. Goddess above, maybe, deep down, I really am a horrible person after all.

A dark shadow shoots up through the air right in front of me.

I yelp, almost toppling backwards before I manage to brace myself on the flat roof behind me. Sitting up properly again, I shoot the shadow a mock glare and huff, “Show-off.”

Draven smirks at me. His massive black wings beat the air with a rhythmic thumping as he hovers there in front of me for another few seconds before he flies over to the edge and sits down next to me.

I scoot over, making room for his muscular body so that he doesn’t have to sit halfway outside the edge.

His wings rustle as he folds them in a little more and then shifts his weight until he’s sitting comfortably.

I keep my gaze on the starlit night before us while trying to push all those uncomfortable feelings from before back behind the mental walls where they belong.

Draven gives me a sidelong glance. “I thought I had exclusive rights on staring broodingly at the horizon.”

A surprised laugh erupts from my chest. The last of those uncomfortable emotions evaporate from my mind like mist before a strong morning sun as a smile instead spreads across my mouth. Turning my head, I give Draven a knowing look.

“Well, you do excel at it,” I admit.

“I know. I’ve spent a lot of time practicing.”

I chuckle again and shake my head while jabbing an elbow at his ribs.

Even though he’s only wearing a black dress shirt and a pair of black pants rather than his dragon scale armor, my little jab doesn’t even make him wince.

I bet I even felt it more in my elbow than he did.

The man is a marvel of rock-solid muscle.

“Are you thinking about your parents?” Draven asks, his voice now serious and his eyes softer.

Clearing my throat, I slide my gaze back to the rooftops before us. “Yes.”

It’s mostly true, anyway. I was thinking about them.

Just not only about them. That rage and hatred inside me worries me.

All my life, I have suppressed all of my fury at how people have been treating me.

I’ve only ever shown them positive emotions so that they will accept me and like me.

But ever since I met Draven, I’ve started to actually express my real emotions instead of just stuffing it all into that pit inside me and slamming the lid closed on top of it.

And that has started to make things… leak out.

But I don’t want to tell Draven that. Hey, ever since I met you, an overwhelming pit of rage and hatred has started to bubble up inside me , isn’t exactly a compliment.

And I don’t want him to misunderstand. So for now, I just give Draven a small smile and let him think that this is only about my parents.

Once all the craziness of the past few days had settled, I told him about how I can now create emotions and how they’re permanent and my suspicions about my parents.

I left out the part about how using that power makes me crave it again like an addict, though.

It’s another thing that I don’t know how to explain without sounding like a psycho. And I also don’t want him to worry.

“Want to talk about it?” he asks, still studying me.

I shake my head. “No. It’s only speculation, anyway. I will never know for certain until I go back there and check with my magic. And right now, we’re kind of busy with other things.”

“Like trying to outmaneuver the slippery little snake called Orion Nightbane before he can deceive us again, and then win a war against the entire Iceheart Dynasty and all seven other dragon clans and all the human towns that they have conquered as well.”

“Like that.”

“Piece of cake.”

“Right?”

We both chuckle.

Comfortable silence falls over us as we just gaze up at the glittering stars for a while. Draven drapes his arm around my shoulders, holding me close to him. His solid body against mine helps ground me in the present again and forget all the worries we still have to face.

“You couldn’t sleep either?” I ask after a while.

A sad smile blows across his lips for a moment. “No.”

I say nothing. If he wants to tell me, he will. But I know that he’s not used to sharing things with others, especially after two hundred years of not being physically able to do just that, so I don’t want to push him.

Stars glitter like silver dust in the canals that run through the city below us, and the soft rumble of the waterfalls in the distance fills the warm night air as Draven and I sit there in silence for another couple of minutes.

Then he at last heaves a long sigh and rakes a hand through his hair. “I don’t know who I am.” He hesitates for another few seconds before adding, “Now.”

I turn to look at him but still say nothing.

He normally always looks calm and in control. The perfect image of command and utter authority. But now, there is an uncharacteristically uncertain expression on his features as he stares out at the vast night sky.

“I just…” He lets out a small frustrated breath, as if it’s hard to find the right words to explain.

“I was someone. Back then. Before Bane and Jessina put the dragon steel inside me. But then I spent two hundred years without free will.” Slipping his arm off my shoulder, he rakes both hands through his hair before turning to meet my gaze head on.

“I’ve spent two centuries either obeying commands that I physically couldn’t refuse, or pretending to be a human rebel in Frostfell, or pretending to be a fae rebel in the Seelie Court.

I haven’t been me , just me without limitations, for two hundred years.

” His eyes are desperate as he holds my gaze.

“And now, I don’t know who that is anymore. I don’t know who I am anymore.”

My heart aches for him. Holding his gaze, I take his hand in mine. “I’m so sorry for everything you’ve had to endure. And that you’ve had to endure it alone.”

He draws in a shuddering breath, and I swear I can almost feel a flicker of relief through the mate bond.

As if he was worried that… That what? That I would think less of him because he’s struggling?

That I would say that he was being ridiculous for feeling like this?

Nothing could be further from the truth.

“Thank you,” he says softly, and squeezes my hand.

I smile. “I look forward to getting to know you.”

A surprised laugh escapes him. It’s a wonderful sound of genuine mirth, and it breaks through the desolation in his eyes and chases away that haunted look on his face.

With light now twinkling in his eyes, he leans closer and slides his hand over my jaw. “Do you now? What if you get to know the real me and realize that I’m a domineering, territorial bastard who will kill anyone for even looking at you?”

“As opposed to the meek and mellow fop you’ve been up until this point, you mean?”

A dark chuckle rolls from his chest, making his warm breath caress my lips. “Oh you haven’t seen anything yet. Are you sure you can handle the real me, little rebel?”

“Oh I think I can handle you just fine, Shadow of Death.”

With his hand still gripping my jaw, he leans in and steals a possessive kiss from my lips.

I moan into his mouth. The sound makes him draw in a shuddering breath.

He breaks the kiss but doesn’t pull back.

Keeping his eyes closed, he leans his forehead against mine while drawing in another deep breath, as if breathing me in.

“You don’t have to figure out everything straight away about who you are now,” I whisper against his lips, my tone now serious again. “We have the rest of our lives to get to know every part, every quirk, and every corner of each other’s souls.”