Page 37 of Colt (The Bull Riders #2)

Chapter Twenty

Allison

The night of the championship, Sarah sends me a petty text about the fact that Colt’s nemesis won the championship. But I don’t even feel gratified by that. I’m tired from a long shift at the hospital, and I’m waiting still for everything to get better. My heartbreak. Missing him.

It just isn’t.

I’ve been avoiding coming to family dinners. The fallout is exactly what I was afraid of.

It didn’t just affect my relationship with him.

It’s affecting my relationship with everyone.

But this is heartbreak, deep and real, and even though I know I’m going to be okay, even though I know my life has purpose outside of this man, it doesn’t make the pain just stop.

It’s the strangest feeling. Because in many ways, I feel stronger.

More certain of myself. Otherwise, I just feel… Gross.

I’m also surprised when there’s a knock on my apartment door at 10:30 at night, and I practically dive under my couch cushions with my phone, ready to call 911.

Then I hear his voice through the door.

“Allison? Please open the door.”

Colt .

I get up, my heart in my throat as I run to open it. “What the hell are you doing here? You gave me a heart attack. Is everyone okay? Gentry?”

My brother is always out doing something dangerous, and my first thought is for him and his safety.

“No,” he says. “I’m sorry. I should’ve called you. I should’ve texted you. But after the championship last night, I was just focused on getting home as quickly as I could.”

“Did you drive?”

“I did. I had to get back. I had to get to you.”

“I know that guy you hate won.”

Colt nods. “Yeah. He did. And I didn’t really care that much. You know what, neither did he. I watched him win, and I watched it be hollow.

He’s the same asshole.

The same asshole that I’ve always thought he was. Just a winner.”

He looks haunted, hunted. Sad. “It doesn’t change you,” he continues.

“I know that stuff, I do. But somewhere deep inside of myself, I was counting on a magic potion. To fix me. To make me feel like enough. I decided that it was the rodeo. I decided it was the championship. Because that’s where my dad was.

And it was like everything in my life had to go on hold until I won that.

Until I proved that I was worth something.

Then I fucked my leg up, and everything got twisted and bent out of shape, including me. It felt like being with you was…”

He sighs. “I don’t know, like maybe I could, but not until I prove that I was worthy.

But I’m never going to feel worthy. Ever.

That’s… Childhood trauma for you, I guess.

So I just have to beg you to be okay with me.

I’m not perfect. Hell, I’m so far from it I…

I screwed everything up with you. Absolutely everything.

I hurt you, I… God, Allison. I am so sorry for everything that I did.

Everything I didn’t do. All of my own stuff that I projected onto you. It was wrong.”

I feel like I’m going to break apart, and I can tell that he is too. His hands are shaking. His whole body is shaking.

“Colt,” I whisper. I reach out, and I put my hand on his face. “You really hurt me.”

“I know.”

“But you’re not dead.”

“What does that mean?” He looks at me, mystified.

“It means that there’s always a chance. I told you that I wanted to fight.

I meant that. I mean it. Right now. I want to fight for us.

For this. Because I love you. Because I know what it’s like to just have to accept when something can’t make it, but we can.

I love you. And I can forgive you. For hurting me.

For breaking us up. Because you’re here.

You don’t need to be good enough for me.

You don’t need to be a golden boy. You don’t need to be anything.

Not anything except you. You forget, I’ve known you since we were kids. I’ve known a lot of versions of you.”

He steps forward, takes my hand and presses it to his chest. “I’m sorry that I made us wait this long. I’m sorry that it took me a month to get my shit together.”

I’m glad it did, honestly. Now, standing there, staring at him, my shattered heart slowly knitting itself back together in my chest, I’m glad it happened.

We faced the worst thing between us, so we can face everything else.

Everyone else. All the fallout – whatever that will look like.

The shift in our family dynamic, in our lives.

I’m going to start a new career. He’s going to…we don’t know yet.

Now we know how much we can handle. And I know he’ll choose me because he did it now. He stared down what scared him most, and he chose to come back to me. To risk himself emotionally.

I’m glad he took the time, even though it hurt, because it’s why I know my answer now, too.

“It’s okay. It’s okay that it did. Because we’re going to have forever, aren’t we?”

“We are going to have forever, and a whole town full of people talking about us.”

“I don’t mind that. I really don’t. Because you and I, we don’t need to please anyone else. Only us.”

It’s like a burden has been lifted off of him, I can see it. And I really see him for the first time. This man, who has spent his whole life trying to be worthy of the accolades he’s gotten, of the way that people feel about him.

“You know, I just loved you. The whole time. Before you ever made something of yourself. Before you were ever any kind of champion. And I will always love you. Because with us, cowboy, it’s always a perfect ride.”

He bends down and picks me up, and I gasp. Because the whole time, he hasn’t been able to do this. We’ve never been able to do this. “Oh,” I say.

“God, I’ve been wanting to do this forever,” he says.

“And I just… I love you, Allison. I love you. I’ve always thought that in life, if you didn’t have guts, you couldn’t have glory.

But I’ve been brave about the wrong things.

This… This is the bravest thing two people can do. Just love each other.”

I smile, because he’s right. The world is scary and dangerous.

It’s filled with dark and terrible things.

But it’s filled with light and hope, and the extraordinary passion that two people can feel for each other.

It’s a gift. I’m so glad that we both get to grab onto it with everything we are.

I’m so grateful that I didn’t just accept anything.

I’m so grateful I fought for him. For us.

I lean in and kiss him on the mouth. “You’re good enough just the way you are.”