Page 12 of Colt (The Bull Riders #2)

“Okay. That’s fair. But I just want you to know, what you can or can’t do doesn’t really change who you are. And I understand that it might feel like it does. But it doesn’t really. Not to me.”

“Then you don’t really know me.”

He was quick to apologize for last night, but the obvious truth is that his mood isn’t actually any better. And I should take a cue and leave him alone.

“I need to go to work.”

I take the rest of my coffee and dump it in the sink, and then I head out the front door without so much as a goodbye.

I can walk to work. And I do, because I need the fresh air to clear my head.

I stop at the coffee shop and get myself another drink, since I discarded mine at his place. And I was not ready to be finished.

Then I head toward the jewelry store and unlock everything before taking my position behind the counter. Sarah arrives not long after.

“Good morning.”

“Good morning,” Sarah says cheerfully. “How’s your patient?”

“He’s… You know. Him.”

“He seemed optimistic last night.”

“He’s lying,” I say. “He’s not optimistic. Not about that. There’s no reason to be.” I feel guilty as soon as those words exit my mouth. “His injuries are really severe,” I say. “It’s not as simple as just waiting for the bone graft to heal and getting back to normal.”

“Oh,” Sarah says.

“He just doesn’t want…” He hasn’t even said, but I have this idea that I know what he’s thinking. That I know what is making him behave the way he is.

“I think he doesn’t want anyone to see him differently.

He’s so used to being Colt. You don’t really get it, because you have only been here a few months.

But he’s… He’s the kind of guy who turns everything he touches into gold.

He’s the kind of guy who smiles at something and gets it.

He’s never met defeat, at least not as far as I’m aware.

And this is about as close as he’s ever gotten.

I don’t think he’s weathering it very well. ”

“Well,” Sarah says, resting her elbows on the jewelry case.

“I can understand that. In the sense that nothing ever went my way, but deep down, I always believed that I was going to muscle my way out of it. I always believed that I was going to be able to overcome. Because I had to believe it. Because if I didn’t believe it…

Well, what’s the alternative? It’s just sort of sinking into despair, isn’t it? ”

“I don’t know. It’s different. You were born struggling, I think.

” I feel guilty talking about him like this.

“The first time I ever came up against something I couldn’t fight was my mom’s cancer.

You can’t argue with diseases like that.

They’re going to do what they do. There are no bootstraps you can pull yourself up by.

It just is. And I know that Colt knows that.

I know that he understands it. But I also think that he’s always been under the impression that for him things were different. ”

“I see.” Sarah takes a deep breath, and then she straightens. “Are you okay?”

I wrinkle my nose. “Yeah. Of course.”

“There’s no, of course. In the last few weeks… You’ve been through a lot.”

“Oh, please. I’ve barely been through anything. Not in comparison to Colt or to the rest of my family.”

“But you…”

I know she knows. We haven’t discussed it deeply, but she guessed it pretty quickly.

Not that I was chill or subtle about it when she came to town and Colt seemed interested in her.

Which was fine – in the sense that I’m used to Colt hooking up with women in my vicinity and I know my attraction to him will never amount to anything.

But I didn’t handle someone who was becoming a friend being interested in him all that well. Though, it turned out she wasn’t interested in him at all.

“It’s okay. I don’t judge you, you know. I really don’t. Dallas is my foster brother. It’s not even that different.”

“It’s pretty different,” I say. I clear my throat. “Anyway. I don’t have feelings for him. Not beyond normal, regular feelings. I just…”

“You’re attracted to him.”

“Yes. Exactly. But what woman isn’t attracted to Colt? That doesn’t make me special. And anyway, I’m taking care of him because he’s family.” The words burn.

“Okay. I trust you. I just wanted to make sure that you were being checked in with. Because I know that everyone has been focused on him – with good reason. But I just wanted to make sure that someone was checking in on you.”

It’s really sweet of her. But also makes me feel remarkably uncomfortable. Not her fault. It’s the whole situation. That my feelings are really tangled up in strange ways where Colt is concerned.

That I don’t like being perceived, mainly because I want to hide from myself.

“I really appreciate it. I mean, it’s terrible,” I say, looking down at my hands. “It’s terrible to see him like this.”

Sarah puts her hand on my shoulder. “It’s terrible for me. I can only imagine how difficult it is for you.

“Yeah. I mean, it’s hard. He’s… He’s always seemed unbreakable to me. Indestructible. He’s larger-than-life. He always has been.”

“I get it.”

“Right. You almost hooked up with him.”

Sarah laughs.

“I did not almost hook up with him. I had the thought that it might be nice if I could rally myself to do it, but having to rally yourself to sleep with somebody isn’t a great reason to do it.”

I think back on my previous relationships. About the void where Brady’s penis should be. How little I care about it. Now, and then.

“It’s fine,” I say.

“You’ve said that to me before,” says Sarah. “But it really should be ecstatic. Not fine.”

I shrug, looking down at one of the rings in the case, the diamonds glittering up at me. Sparkle so brilliant and bright it could never be called just fine. “I think people are different, is all I’m saying.”

“I think some men don’t put a lot of effort into it.

And I think chemistry plays a big role.” She smiles just slightly.

“You know, when I met Dallas, we were kids. So it wasn’t all chemistry or anything back then.

But I just… He was my person. From moment one.

I just felt it. Like he was a missing part of me.

Like he completed something inside me. I just really felt like we were something special from the beginning. I think sometimes you know.”

“I’m sure you do. Sometimes. I’m also sure that sometimes a teenage crush is just a teenage crush, and it goes away with time.”

“Yeah. I’m sure.”

I don’t like the way she says that, which makes me feel like she doesn’t believe me at all. There’s no way in hell that I was meant to have feelings for Colt. For so many reasons.

“I hope he does get back to normal,” I say.

“I really do. I hope that he heals completely, and he’s back in the rodeo.

” I swallow, because that’s kind of a lie, even if I wanted to be true.

“And I want him to be able to just go back and be him. And if he was going to be with me… He wouldn’t be able to have any of that.

And if he decided to be with me because he couldn’t have any of that…

No. I’m not anyone’s consolation prize.”

The words hurt. To think them, to say them. And it’s galling to even have to acknowledge my past crush, my present attraction to that degree. I’m not going to let it hurt me, though. I don’t need to let it hurt me.

The reality is, he’s attractive.

I saw him naked today, and my whole body about went up in flames, I can’t deny that.

But also, I’m very clear on who he is and who I am, and what’s possible and what’s not.

There’s the reality of just us, how I don’t think we would’ve ever been compatible in that way.

He’s one of those popular people. The kind where things seem to go easy for him.

I’m not that person. My hair doesn’t fall perfectly into place. I’m not effortless in any capacity. Effortless people don’t date those who labor. That’s just a fact. Effortless people, like him, seek out other people who have a beam of light that perpetually shines down upon them from heaven.

His sparkle would have to be dimmed for him to reach down and touch me.

I don’t want that. Not for either of us.

“I think the bigger problem would be dating her stepbrother in a small town,” Sarah says pragmatically.

“Well. Yeah. That sounds like an absolute nightmare. And again, one of the many, many reasons it’s simply an impossibility. It’s never going to be like that.”

“Yeah. Okay.” We have a couple of walk-ins asking for the installation of permanent jewelry.

Sarah does one, and I do the other. It’s a fun process that involves a welding pen, and I really enjoy it.

I never considered myself creative until I started working at Sammy’s.

She showed me some jewelry-making techniques since she hired me, and it makes me want to make things of my own.

I didn’t leap in and get jewelry-making supplies, but I did get back into knitting.

Which might not seem like the same thing, it’s all about creating new things and putting them out in the world.

I used to knit with my mom while she got her infusions. I stopped for a long time because it just hurt. But now I can find the peace in it again.

I like that. I want to be a nurse so that I can save people. I want to create things. Cancer isn’t an entity; it’s a disease. It doesn’t know how much I hate it. It doesn’t know the destruction that it causes. It’s not sentient.

Sometimes I wish it were. So that a hearty fuck cancer might mean something.

So the fact that I’m getting a job to help defeat something that steals, tears apart, destroys, might matter. I’m going to sit with people while they fight cancer. I’m going to help them find the strength to continue treatment, I’m going to be comforting and help them feel dignity, hope and peace.

I kind of wish cancer knew that.