Page 31 of Colt (The Bull Riders #2)

Chapter Fifteen

Colt

She drives us tonight, and it’s strange walking up to the house together, but separate. It’s sort of like last night, but in a more profound way.

We sort of settled things earlier.

We shared some things.

I crashed out, and I’m having to climb up out of that, but I can. I’ve made a decision. And that’s good. I don’t want to be like my dad. I don’t want to be forever chasing the spotlight because I don’t know how to be without it.

I don’t want to be a narcissist. It’s not enough anymore to just avoid having certain attachments so that I don’t hurt people. I want to actually change. And if I had to bottom out to come to that realization, then fine. It’s fine.

What I’ve learned is that rock-bottom isn’t the place I hit in that arena. It’s contending with everything afterward. With not knowing what to do when life doesn’t obey me. When I can’t manipulate a situation with charm. When I can’t force my body to heal faster than it’s going to.

When I can’t just decide to be healed.

She’s right. It’s probably something I need to go through. It’s clearly something my dad never went through, and he made the decision to not be changed or affected by having a son. I need to make a different decision.

That’s all really clear to me now. The healing journey isn’t just sitting around letting my bones knit themselves back together. It’s also getting on top of myself. Not just drinking to deal with pain that I actually need to be able to face head-on.

We receive a warm greeting from everybody in the house, though Gentry is measured.

Lily isn’t here tonight, which is unusual.

“She has a date,” he says casually.

“A date?”

I haven’t really known Lily to date. Partly because she so… Obsessed with Gentry.

“Yeah. A date.” I watch his face to see if he has any emotions about it, but he’s unreadable. Gentry can be like that.

Allison has shared more with me in the last few weeks about the impact of her mom’s death, and about her memories surrounding her, than Gentry has in the last ten years. He’s just not that kind of person.

“Well. Good luck to her I guess.”

That does earn me an expression I can’t quite read.

But then we are having steak and corn on the cob, baked potatoes and one of my stepdad’s great pies.

So I’m not thinking about anything else for a moment.

Good food, good family. This house. It’s a home, in a way that nothing else ever really has been for me.

These people are my home.

When dinner finishes, Allison is quick to volunteer to do dishes, and I’m about to do the same when Gentry jabbed me in the shoulder. “I need to talk to you.”

My stomach tightens. “Do you?”

“Outside.”

I already know what it’s about. I don’t need him to give me a knowing look, or explain anything. I just know.

We head out the back door, and I’m hoping that we don’t attract attention. I’m bracing myself. For him to yell at me. For him to punch me in my face. For him to sit me down and interrogate me like I’m a criminal.

I’d deserve any of those things.

I knew that I had messed up last night. And I had a very strong feeling that Gentry had seen it. I was hoping, since he didn’t storm my front door early in the morning that it meant I had gotten away with it. But apparently not.

“So, what do you need to tell me?”

I think about trying to get around it. About making him say at first. Because if he doesn’t know, and I tell him, I’m just causing drama that doesn’t need to exist.

But I already know.

And one part of my realization from my collapse last night is that I have to own my shit. I have to stand there and take it on the chin, maybe literally.

“I’m sleeping with your sister.”

I expect Gentry to lunge forward. Instead, he lets out a slow breath, rocks back on his heels, and drags his hand down over his face. “All right. Okay. You’re sleeping with her.”

“Yeah. I am.”

“To what end?”

“To no end, Gentry. We just… I don’t know. It was a forced proximity or something.” The lie tastes bitter on my tongue. Forced proximity, a whole lot of longing that boiled over and had to express itself. One or the other.

The fact that she’s beautiful and smart and resilient.

The fact that she has shown me so many things about how to be a better person.

How to be a more accepting, together person.

The fact that I’m just saying I’m sleeping with her rather than in a relationship with her, but it’s not a relationship.

Not really. It also isn’t just sex. But just like last night at the bar, I don’t know how to express that.

“We didn’t want anyone to know, because we’re aware that it’s messed.”

“Okay, let’s start over. You and Allison are sleeping together.”

“Correct.”

“But that’s all it is.”

“Yes. She’s going to move closer to the hospital in a couple of months. I don’t know if she’s talked to you about that. But it makes more sense for rotations and all of that. So…”

“So, distance is the problem?”

I laughed. “No. The problem is that she’s my stepsister. You know how everybody in town would react to that.”

“Who cares? You’re Colt Campbell. You can do whatever you want. You could do the electric slide naked down Main Street, and people would be like: Wow, that’s a really cool thing he’s doing. Why do you think anyone would care if you were with her?”

“Don’t be dense. You know how it looks. It looks like maybe… I don’t know. Like something happened when we lived together, and it didn’t.”

“I know it didn’t. I know you. I don’t think that you ever took advantage of my teenage sister when we lived together. I don’t think you ever used your position as her stepbrother to do anything inappropriate. If I thought you would do that, I wouldn’t be your friend, Colt.”

The way he says that, so incredulous, so intense, feels like a shotgun blast to my chest. He’s not getting mad at me. I really expected him to. I expected him to tell me but I’m an asshole for touching her. For corrupting her. For using her while I am recovering. He’s not doing it.

“But people might think that.”

“I don’t think so. You don’t have a reputation for ever doing anything like that. I just… What I actually wanted to tell you is that I think you guys are good together.”

“What?”

“I know. But that’s why I sat on this ever since I noticed that things were off between you guys. And I’ve been noticing it. But last night confirmed it. I knew there was more going on than either of you was indicating. She… Colt, she’s in love with you.”

Everything inside of me freezes. “What?”

“She’s in love with you, man. She always has been. She thinks the sun rises and sets on you. And you… You’re a good guy. She’s dated so many losers. And I hate every single one of them.”

“You’re supposed to… You’re supposed to punch me. And tell me that I’m not good enough for her. Tell me that I can’t corrupt her like this.”

“I’m under no illusions that my sister’s a virgin of any kind, and you’re not using her, are you?”

“No. I’m not. But I… I’m not using her.”

“I know. I don’t know why you think that it has to end. I think you should try. That’s what I wanted to tell you. But I want you to give it an actual try. And if you need my help smoothing it over with Dad and Cindy…”

“No, Gentry. I don’t. Because she needs to finish nursing school, and I need to get my ship together. I’ve got to go back to the rodeo, I’ve got to win the championship. I can’t be in a relationship. Not right now. I’m… I’m too messed up. I’m too dysfunctional, and she doesn’t deserve that.”

“I’m not friends with a dysfunctional person.”

“I hate to break it to you, you are. I put on a good front, but I’m afraid I’m more like my dad than my mom, and when the rubber meets the road, I am not the kind of guy that you want your sister to be shackled to for the rest of her life. Trust me on this.”

“How would you know? You’ve never tried.

You keep yourself so… So emotionally separate from everyone and everything.

And I see something in the two of you. I feel like she’s the person who can actually reach you.

Hell, some guy talking to her last night rattled the hell out of you.

And I kind of like that, Colt. I like you having to fight for it.

I’m not glad that you’re hurt, but at the same time, I think this might have been what you needed.

I want to see you dig deep for something. ”

“I’m almost a fucking rodeo champion, Gentry, it’s not like I don’t dig deep or work hard.”

“I never said you didn’t work hard. But everything you do, all your achievements, all of that, tell me that’s not just you putting your accolades between you and other people so that you don’t have to have actual emotions.”

“Fuck you.”

“That’s how it’s going to be? You’re going to admit that you’re sleeping with my sister, and then you’re going to be the one getting angry?”

“It’s just… It’s a little bit too neat, don’t you think? Fate brought our parents together and…” I shake my head. “Sorry. I shouldn’t say fate. Like it was meant to be. It wasn’t meant to be that your mom died.”

“I don’t know why the things that happen happen,” Gentry says.

“Fate or otherwise. I have no insight. I don’t know if there’s a grand plan, divine design, or if everything is just desperately random.

If a butterfly beats its wing next to a babbling brook that means we’ll have six more weeks of winter, and someone you love will die.

I don’t know. What I do know is that life is random.

Because it’s difficult. Because it often sucks, when you get something good, you need to hang onto it with both hands.

And I think my sister could be really good for you. ”

“Can I be really good for her?”

There’s a long silence between the two of us. “I think that would depend on you.”

“And I don’t like that bet. She and I have already discussed it. She’s got her life, her goals, I have mine. You can see why we wanted to keep it a secret. Because there’s just no point. There’s no point letting all this out. No point in having to make it the subject of gossip. Or family drama.”

“I think you’re making a mistake.”

“Great,” I say. “I’ll make a note of that.

But you think it’s a mistake. But I think in the future, you won’t feel that way.

I think you’ll feel exactly like I do. That it was for the best that she and I let each other grow.

For what it’s worth, being with her has made me better.

I don’t know what I’ve done for her. But she’s made me think about things I never have. She’s a pretty incredible woman.”

“I know.”

“There’s a difference between it meaning nothing and it being forever.”

“Great. Glad he filled me in.”

“You’re not changing your opinion, are you?”

“You’ve known me a long time. Have you ever known me to change an opinion?”

“I guess not.”

“No. This is no exception.”

“Don’t say anything to her. She really didn’t want anyone to know.”

“Okay,” Gentry says. “I won’t.”

I can tell he’s mad at me. I can tell he’s lost respect for me.

I expected that. And it’s honestly more comfortable than him telling me I’m good. Than him telling me I do deserve her.

Because that just can’t be true.

I don’t have anything to offer her. That’s the bottom line.

I’m a broken-up cowboy who doesn’t know who he is outside the spotlight. I crashed out yesterday, but I might not have hit rock bottom yet.

I’m not dragging her down with me.

I didn’t spend this many years trying not to be my dad only to fuck it up now.

Especially not with her.

She’s not going to be some experiment. Not going to be my trial and error at a happy ending.

Not because she doesn’t matter.

Because she matters too much.