Page 9

CHAPTER 8

MAHK

T anner’s eyes were wide with panic, and I could hear his heart beating from here, even with the space between us. Too much space. It might have only been about two arms distance, but it felt like miles, a never-ending chasm separating us.

Tanner was rejecting me, or at least the idea of being my mate. He still hadn’t said a word, but he didn’t need to. He didn’t want me. Couldn’t accept me. My heart ached, shattering into a million pieces in the silence.

I waited, hoping he’d say anything. If I understood what he was struggling with and why he was so against the idea, maybe I’d be able to convince him otherwise.

It wasn’t even about never returning home. That would hurt, yes, but not nearly as much as Tanner turning me away. That might break me beyond repair.

“You have to be wrong.” Tanner stumbled back, his knees eventually touching the furniture. He fell back into it, like it was impossible to stay standing anymore. “Maybe it closed for another reason? Or maybe someone else is meant to be your mate and you only thought it was me, since you saw me first?” There was an edge of panic to his voice as he tried to find some kind of explanation that wouldn’t tie him to me.

It was like my body cracked in two. My mate, my other half didn’t want me. He was so desperate to find a reason to make it not true that he was coming up with other plausibilities. I thought back on all the moments we’d had together. At Tanner’s beautiful smile when I’d brought him tacos. What would I do if he said no?

I was suddenly feeling very vulnerable, and somehow looking like my true self in front of my Tanner while he rebuffed me was too much to bear. I pushed the bangle back on and whispered a couple words to reform the human illusion. It felt like a shield of some sort as I braced myself for the worst.

Tanner frowned at me. “You don’t have to do that, not in front of me.”

I shrugged a shoulder. I didn’t have anything to say to that.

Tanner ran his fingers through his hair, pieces sticking up in every direction. I wanted to run mine through and smooth it down. I wanted to feel the soft strands as they brushed my skin.

“Listen, I’m not . . . Fuck, this sounds so cliche, but it’s not you. It’s me. There’s no fucking way fate or whoever you believe in shackled you with a fuckup like me. It wouldn’t be fair to you. The amount of baggage I have . . .” He started to pace the sitting room.

I didn’t understand everything Tanner was saying, but I got the sentiment. He didn’t think he was worthy of me, which was so far from the truth I wasn’t sure I had the proper words to correct him.

How did I tell this man how much he’d grown to mean to me over the last few weeks. Yes, I’d known he was mine from the moment I’d laid eyes on him, but my feelings had only grown the more we spoke and the more I watched him. How did I explain that the way he cared for his family only made me want him as my mate more? It had been the joy of my life spending time with Tanner and caring for him, even if it was from the shadows. All I wanted was a chance to do that in full view. Whatever struggles we had, we could figure it out together.

My knees felt weak as I closed the distance between us. Fear gripped me. What if he pushed me away? Tanner’s chest heaved as he struggled to control his breath. His eyes were wide and wild, and it looked like he was about to run. I had seen that look before in some of my targets, but I never wanted to see it in Tanner.

“Can I hold you?” The words came out shakier than I’d intended. Tanner flinched, and I thought he was going to deny me, but after a moment, I was granted a shaky nod. It was hesitant and he looked terrified, but it was the best thing I had ever seen.

I moved my arms but froze. If I was going to do this, I wanted to be in my true form. A quick word and the spell deactivated and I was orc again. Tanner’s breath hitched, but he didn’t step away or tell me no. I closed the final distance, and soon my mate was in my arms.

Tanner was stiff at first, his body rigid in my hold. I did not move. I did not let go. I waited Tanner out. Then my mate let out a sob and melted into me.

“Shh, that’s it, lulekai . You’re okay. I have you now. You can let go.”

Tanner sobbed again and my heart broke. I wracked my brain, trying to figure out how to fix this, to understand exactly what was going on in his mind. No matter how hard I tried, I could come up with no solution, so I just held him tightly and buried my nose in his hair, finally feeling the soft strands.

Eventually, I guided Tanner toward the sofa and we sat. I still kept him close as his body shook. Desperate to comfort him, I started to hum the lullabies my mother had sung to me as a small child.

Eventually, the shaking stopped and Tanner pulled away enough to look at me. His eyes were red and puffy, tears staining his cheeks. Without thinking, I lifted a thumb, wiping up the streaks. Tanner smiled timidly.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to freak out like that. I don’t know what happened.”

I wanted to know what his skin tasted like. Was it salty now? I resisted the urge. “You do not need to apologize for that, my Tanner. This has been a very emotional day, and humans sometimes cry with big emotions, but there is nothing wrong with that. It is a release.”

Tanner snorted. “Where did you learn that?”

“The Google,” I responded proudly.

Tanner burst out laughing then, and I smiled in return. I thought he might be laughing at me, but it didn’t matter since I’d made my mate smile, a real one, not the one he gave customers at the shop. More than smiling, I’d made him laugh.

“Fuck, Mahk. Please don’t change.” That made me smile even harder. Maybe we would be okay. It might take some time, but maybe Tanner would grow to accept me.

It took a while for him to stop, even wiping his eyes as more tears fell, but they were the happy kind I’d also read about. At least, I was pretty sure that was the case. Once he did, his expression got serious, and my heart skipped a beat.

But Tanner took my hands in his and squeezed, little tingles shooting through my fingers, all the way to my heart.

“I think I need a little time, Mahk. Just to process. This was a lot.”

I nodded solemnly. “Take all the time you need, lulekai . I will wait for you.”

Tanner frowned. “But aren’t you stuck here, unable to get home?”

I lifted a shoulder in response. “It would be worth it. I’d miss my brothers, but I would wait a lifetime if it meant I could eventually call you mine.”

Tanner’s face fell. “Fuck, you can’t say stuff like that, Mahk. You know what that does to me?”

I shook my head. “I was only speaking the truth.”

Tanner slumped down on the couch. “You need to stop being so . . .” He waved his hand vaguely. “. . . perfect.”

I frowned. “I am not perfect.”

“For me you are. It’s hard to think around you.”

I forced myself not to reach out and touch him. “Do you want me to leave?” I wouldn’t go far. I’d still be watching, but I learned that some humans needed space when faced with a big decision or problem, and I would respect that if it was what Tanner wanted.”

But he shook his head. “No. Just—and I feel like the biggest asshole asking this of you—can I have a little time? Not a lot. If this is too much, I’ll help you find a way back home, I swear, but I just . . . Fuck. I need some time.”

Nothing Tanner said made sense. I’d already told him he could have all he needed. So I picked up his hand, enjoying how it was slightly smaller than mine in this form, and brought it to my lips. I barely brushed them along the knuckles, but Tanner still gasped, his eyes fluttering closed for a second like I imagined he would with a more intimate gesture.

“Take all the time you need, my Tanner. I am not going anywhere.”