Page 52

Alexa Play: everything i wanted by Billie Eilish

I ’d grilled up a steak for Finn while he was celebrating with his friends on the beach.

He did it.

It was over…

He’d survived.

It felt like a rhino had been sitting on my chest since he’d first told me he planned on surfing that beach. When he’d successfully shredded that massive wave and made it to the shore in one piece, I finally felt the enormous, lumbering thing get off and wander into the distance.

Setting the table for my man, I sat down and waited for him to come home. He busted into the shack, predictably full of excitement and energy, and I grinned at him .

“Hey, baby… you hungry?” I asked, and he launched himself at me, straddling me in the chair and showering my face with kisses.

I laughed and wrapped my arms around him, not caring that he was still in his cold, damp wetsuit.

“You’ll never believe what happened!” he chirped, and I leaned back, taking in his megawatt smile and adorable dimples.

“What? What happened?” I asked, unable to keep myself from grinning. When he was like this, his energy was infectious. It was almost impossible not to feel excited when he was this pumped about something.

“Jet told this lady from Goliath Energy Drinks that I was riding today, and she wants to sponsor me in Tully’s surf competition this weekend!”

The smile dropped right off my face.

“What?”

“I’m serious! She’s sending the contract over tonight! Wait… why don’t you look excited?” He pulled back, frowning at me. I watched his dimples disappear, and I hated myself for being the reason they went away.

I took a moment to sort through the war of emotions that were exploding through my chest.

On the one hand, Goliath Energy Drinks was huge. Like, massive. It was every surfer’s dream to be picked up for a sponsorship with them. It was pretty much a career-launching opportunity for Finn.

It was a dream come true for someone like him. I knew because it would have been a dream come true for me when I was his age.

But, on the other hand, the idea of him surfing Leviathans again – so soon after he’d just recently survived it – made that asshole rhino come lumbering right back to sit on my chest again.

“I’m excited,” I forced myself to choke out. I reached up and cupped his perfect face, running my thumb over his jawline.

He was so amped I could see his pulse jumping in his throat.

Thump. Alive . Thump. Breathing . Thump. Not . Fucking. Dead .

“Really? You seem upset.”

“No, baby. I’m not, this is… you deserve this. They’re so lucky to have you.”

His frown deepened. “I’m not buying it, buddy. Spill. What’s grumpifying you?”

I dropped my hands to his hips and tugged him more firmly against me, enjoying the weight of him sitting in my lap.

Resting my forehead on his clavicle, I sighed.

“I’m never going to get a chance to stop worrying about you, am I, baby? Goliath is amazing. I just wish they were sponsoring you for another competition. Literally any other competition.”

“Oh…” There was a pause, and then he wrapped his arms around my shoulders and kissed the side of my head. “I see.”

“I just… I know this is who you are. I know you’re not capable of feeling fear. But Finn… I can feel fear. All I’ve felt is fear since I met you.”

“Jake…” His voice was strained, and he kissed the side of my head again, nuzzling his nose into my hair just above my ear.

“I don’t want you to get hurt,” I whispered.

“I won’t, baby. Didn’t I prove to you today that I could handle it?”

Pulling back, I looked up at his adorably concerned face and rubbed my thumbs across his hip bones.

I wanted to tell him that he did great, but I’d surfed waves just like the one he shredded today dozens of times before it finally killed me.

I wanted to tell him that I believed in him, and I was happy for him, and I loved him so much that when I looked at him, it physically hurt me to imagine a world without him in it.

I wanted to tell him that I knew what it felt like to always be chasing the next adrenaline high, but nothing, not even a sponsorship deal with one of the biggest energy drink brands in the world, was worth his life.

I wanted to tell him all of this, but it wouldn’t change his mind.

Saying these things wouldn’t make him reconsider.

They would make me feel better, but they would hurt him and make him feel like I wasn’t supportive of his dreams or proud of his success .

So, instead, I leaned forward and skated my lips against his, breathing in his intoxicating scent.

“I love you so much,” I murmured against him, pressing a soft kiss on his lower lip. He rocked in my lap, and I felt him grow hard as my grip tightened on his hips.

“I love you too,” he breathed, and I swallowed that breath, savoring it like the precious thing it was.

I stood up, taking him with me, and pressed kiss after kiss against his lips. He wrapped his legs around my waist and traced his tongue over my mouth as I took him to our bedroom.

I didn’t want to ruin this moment for him, so I kept all my worries and my thoughts to myself, burying them deep inside my chest and locking them away.

The only way I was going to be able to make it through this was by losing myself in him.

So, when I laid him down in our bed, and he looked up at me with that trusting, dimpled smile that made my dead heart melt, I let go.

This was his choice, and I was going to support him no matter what he chose to do.

Even if it killed the one person I loved more than anything this godforsaken planet had to offer.