Page 23 of Chasing After You

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Josh had changed a lot in our time apart. Many things had stayed the same, like his kind green eyes and light brown hair that turned golden in the sun.

He’d always been taller than me, more so before; now, I was only two inches shorter than he was. His shoulders were broader than mine, and over the past eight years, he’d put on quite a lot of muscle.

I wasn’t skinny by any means, but I was definitely leaner than he was.

Seeing how the last time he’d seen me was when I’d been just thirteen, I wondered if he’d even recognize me now.

I looked in the mirror sometimes, trying to see myself the way he would. Would he still seemeunder the sharper cheekbones, the longer hair, the faint bruised shadows under myeyes from too many sleepless nights spent thinking about him? Or would he just see a stranger? And if he saw a stranger, what would he think of him?

I wasn’t the same boy he’d raised.

Josh had been the center of my world, even when he wasn’t in it. Every decision I made in the past eight years, every city I searched, every night I stood outside restaurants, every private investigator I’d gone through, was all for him.

I had played the part of Victoria’s perfect son, done what she’d asked of me, all the while I slowly and quietly ruined her life, eating away at her like a parasite.

I had fueled her alcohol addiction, even gotten conservatorship over her once I’d become an adult.

And when she’d finally hit rock bottom, I managed to get her to spill all she knew about where Josh had gone.

For the first month after he’d left, I had foolishly believed her when she’d told me that Josh had abandoned me, that he didn’t need me, didn’t want me.

I was furious at him.

That didn’t last long.

Once she’d stupidly let it slip that she’d made him run, she had sealed her fate. I had always hated her, but I hadn’t cared enough about her to do anything about it. But once I knew thatshewas the reason my precious older brother had upped and gone…

She had refused to tell me where he was for years, holding it over my head as a reward for my good behavior.

And now, she was rotting away in some fancy rehab I shelled out for so as not to draw any unwarranted attention.

So yes, I had changed.

But I still remembered the smell of his shampoo. The way he snorted when he laughed too hard, the difference between his fake and genuine smile, the way he sometimes whimpered in hissleep when faced with memories of a past life, his nervous habit of pulling on his right earlobe—it was all cataloged in my head with other memories I would never forget.

7

Josh

I had driven straight to Oliver’s with the letter on my lap, needing his opinion on it and what it meant.

I found him in the backyard, just lying on his back in the grass, staring up at the sky above.

“Oliver?” I asked as I approached, not wanting to sneak up on him. “Hey?”

He took a deep breath in and rolled his head to the side to see me. “Hey,” he replied, his voice soft.

“What are you doing out here? You okay?” I lowered myself to the ground beside him.

“Yeah, I’m okay.” He didn’t sound like he was.

“Are you sure?”

He gave me a sad, small smile. “Yeah, I just needed some quiet. It’s the anniversary of my grandma’s death.”

“I’m sorry, I had no idea that was today,” I apologized.