Page 84 of Carry On (Love Doesn’t Cure All #4)

NASH

Iwas tired of fighting.

Fighting to be heard.

Fighting to be seen.

Fighting to get help.

Fighting to find my place.

Fighting to matter.

Fighting to carry a weight that no one else had to bear.

I was so fucking exhausted. It clung to every fiber of my being, dragging me down in a way I couldn’t stop.

I just couldn’t do it anymore.

This fight… it was mine. No one else’s. I couldn’t burden Lincoln with it. He was too good, too kind. He didn’t deserve it. He deserved a happy life. A full life. A life not burdened by my entire existence. A life where I didn’t use him to chase some kind of momentary peace.

You can change that, the voice whispered, echoing in every corner of my mind.

I knew I could.

I wanted to.

Had to.

Needed to.

I left my room organized, clothes folded, and my few things put together neatly on the bed. There was a letter for Peter along with my dog tag. Everything had a place with the effort to make the transition easier on Lincoln. I didn’t want to burden him any more than I already had.

Rubbing the heel of my hand over my cheek, I swiped away stray tears as the emotions continued to spill over. Wave after wave of chaos catastrophically collided inside me. Painful and relentless, floodgates opened in a way I could no longer hold shut.

I took a long swig of whiskey to numb the pain and relished the distracting bite as I swallowed. I chased it with a handful of pills.

Whiskey.

Pills.

Whiskey.

Pills.

Both went down easily until the two prescription bottles were empty. I could already feel the two sedatives I took earlier in the hour hitting, washing away the pain in a sense of calm. Maybe it was silly and unrealistic, but I wanted one real moment where I didn’t feel the pain anymore.

It’ll be okay, the voice soothed. You’ll be okay now.

Taking one last drink, I lay down on the couch and stared out at the moody city as the sunset splashed across the sky in shades of red and orange.

Painted flames burned the world to the ground around as my body grew lighter and heavier all at the same time, melting into the infinite darkness that followed.