Page 94 of Carnal Urges

SLOANE

Declan removes my handcuffs before we get into bed. He removes the shirt he put on me, too, then gets undressed himself and pulls me down on top of him. He settles us under the covers and presses a kiss to my forehead, ordering me to go to sleep.

“How can you sleep with me on top of you? Aren’t I heavy?”

“Aye. Camels weigh a bloody ton.”

“Ha.”

“Stop worrying about me, and do as I tell you.”

We lie there in the dark, my head on his chest, listening to each other breathing, until the whirlwind in my head makes me sigh. “I don’t think I’m tired.”

“I’m sure you have some kind of ridiculous breathing trick that will help.”

“I usually do a flow visualization when I have trouble falling asleep, but there’s something I’m freaking out about, so I know it won’t help.”

Declan had been rubbing his hand up and down my spine, but he stops. “What is it?”

“We haven’t had the STD talk. And we didn’t use a condom last time.”

He says immediately, “I’m clean.”

“Good. Me, too.”

“I can get tested if you don’t believe me.”

“No, I trust you.”

That hangs there in the air like a party piñata stuffed with candy surrounded by a bunch of grinning five-year-old kids holding bats. I close my eyes, cursing myself.

Then Declan says quietly, “Thank you.”

At least he’s not gloating.

After I blow out a hard breath, he changes the subject. “What’s a flow visualization?”

“It’s a relaxation practice. When I’m stressed out, I picture myself sitting underneath a big oak tree beside a stream in the country. The weather is warm, and there’s a gentle breeze. I’m wearing some kind of super coolLord of the Ringsfairy queen costume, and my hair looks great.”

Declan snorts. I ignore him.

“Whatever worried thought comes to mind, I just mentally put the thought on a leaf in the stream and watch it flow away until it disappears around a bend. Money? It goes on a leaf and drifts away. My future? I put the words on a leaf. My boss at work? She goes on a leaf. In miniature. It’s fun to watch her screaming and stamping her foot, two inches tall, then disappear. Sometimes I make a big fish come up and swallow her.”

After a thoughtful pause, Declan says, “What do you worry about your future?”

I answer without thinking. “The usual stuff. Cancer. Bankruptcy. Dying alone.”

He sounds disturbed. “That’s a heavy list for someone who isn’t even thirty. You should be worried about what you’re going to do next weekend, not about dying alone.”

“Everyone dies alone. I just want to do it with dignity. But there’s nothing dignified about being so sick you can’t wipe your own ass or so weak you can’t tell the nurse you’re in such agony you don’t want to live another minute.”

Declan rolls me onto my back, props himself up on an elbow, and looks at me. Even in the dark room, I see the soft shine of his blue eyes.

“You’re talking about your mother.”

“How did you know that?”

When he doesn’t answer, I say, “Oh. Right. The background check you ran on me.”