Page 54 of Carnal Urges

She mutters, “Walt Disney, you’re not.”

“Am I telling this, or are you going to keep interrupting me?”

A grumble of discontent is my answer.

“As I was saying. The wee camel princess was homely, but she had an interesting personality that drew people to her. They had a hard time getting past her hideous looks, but once they did, they discovered she had a magical talent for… are you ready?”

She says flatly, “I can hardly contain my excitement.”

“Talking to animals.”

After a long pause, curiosity gets the better of her. “What kinds of animals?”

“All of them. But mainly dogs. The wee camel princess could make any dog, no matter how rabid or feral, fall in love with her and do her bidding.”

“Ah. I see where this is going. The princess will fall in love with Lassie and create a new race of half-camel, half-dog babies called campups who turn on humans and kill them all. The end.”

“No, but if that idea were made into a movie, I’d watch it. Especially if the campups were genetically modified so their left paw-arms were laser cannons they could operate by thought. May I proceed?”

She sighs heavily. I take it as an affirmative.

“One day the homely princess was going to visit her good friend Neddie, when suddenly she was abducted by the biggest, strongest, handsomest dog she had ever seen. He was the king of all the dogs—the top dog, so to speak—and famous for his bravery. Also for his intelligence. It was far superior to the wee camel princess’s intelligence. Which was rather pathetic, despite her delusions otherwise.”

“You’re so lacking in imagination, there’s a hole in your head where your brain should be.”

Holding back a chuckle, I go on. “So the brave, strong, handsome, warrior-king dog—”

She mutters, “Unbelievable.”

“—locks the wee camel princess up in his castle. His plan was to interrogate her for information on his sworn enemy, who she had befriended. What he didn’t know, however, is how messy camels are. And stinky. Within days, the whole place reeked of regurgitated, half-digested grass. The castle smelled like a giant trash bin on a hot summer day. Oh, and greasy fur. And dung.”

“Charming. Was this camel princess’s name Slang, by any chance? Slung? Slune?”

Her tone is so sour, I have a hard time holding back a laugh. “No. Her name was Drone.”

“Drone.Because she talked so much. You missed your true calling in comedy, gangster.”

“I am quite funny, aren’t I?”

“You’d be a lot funnier with a broken nose.”

A nurse enters the room. Sloane quips, “Oh, good, maybe she brought an enema we can use to flush that stick out of your ass.”

I have to cover my mouth with a hand to keep from laughing.

The nurse introduces herself as Nancy and says she’s going to take Sloane’s blood pressure. Then she turns to me with a tentative smile. “And you must be the father.”

Sloane bursts into raucous laughter. Rolling over to gloat at me, she says, “Burn! Yes, that’s my dad, Father Time, over there. He’s not nearly as young and handsome as he thinks he is.”

The nurse’s smile falters. “I meant the father of the baby.”

I fall still. My stomach clenches into a knot. It suddenly becomes very hard to breathe.

Sloane’s still laughing. “Good one, gangster. How much did you pay her to say that?”

When she sees the expression on my face, her laughter dies.

Wide-eyed, she looks back at the nurse. Her face turns pale. Her voice comes out strangled. “Wait. What… whatbaby?”