Page 68 of Cara

There’s a soft rap on the door. “Is everything all right?”

My voice barely registers in the air. “Be right out.”

Get it together.

I splash my face with cold water, hoping it will bring me out of perpetual fear.This is the right decision. He’ll be glad to see you. He needs to know you’re alive.

These thoughts do very little to persuade me that I’m moving in the right direction. Shadows follow me, and I’m delivering them to his front door. I could have told him that I was still alive and kept running as he advised. But I need to see him. See that he’s not married. See that he’s okay. If he wants me to leave again, I will. Iwould.

My stomach turns at the thought, revealing the truth I'm too afraid to confront.

That we may be different people. I know I am.

It’s always in the back of my mind.

I unlock the bolt and shove through the door, ignoring the strangers waiting in line for the restroom. My ears ache as I sit, stiff as a board beside someone engrossed in a movie. I place my bag in my lap, rummaging through what little I have for my wallet. I gaze at the picture of us. Everything we’ve been through, the trials we’ve faced both alone and together, plays in my mind like the screen on the seat beside me.

The good and the bad.

The hate and the love.

The evidence of love outweighs it all and shatters me all over again.

“We’re preparing for our descent into New York…”

The roads are familiar. The past comes alive as I merge off the highway, my driving no better than when I left.

Summer in the city's outskirts brings color to the grass in the form of weed flowers spread amongst bursting oak trees and puddles of rain on either side of the street. The sunset is nearly gone, grey bulbous clouds hanging off in the distance. Silent light erupts within them, promising rain.

My hands tremble against the steering wheel as I turn onto less-trafficked roads, knowing it’s just a matter of time before I see the vast acres of the estate. The tall trees that Xavier and I used to climb as kids rush past the windows.

My heart is beating through my chest. My foot deepens and eases on the accelerator, constantly wavering in my choice.

What if he’s angry?

What if he curses me for returning despite all he sacrificed?

I wipe the tears from my cheeks, squeezing my eyes shut as my mind runs wild.

What if he doesn’t live here anymore?

Will I go to the city, to our old apartment?

To the restaurant?

Would Courtney know where he is?

What if I find him and he’s someone else?

My weary eyes open slowly, my heart racing to a stop.

It doesn’t matter what he is… he’s yours.

He’s Xavier Marcello.

He’s the man who’s loved you all of your life.

Everything feels unchanged. The car’s headlights illuminate the landscape along the road to the estate. I urge myself to drive up to his gate and talk with his men, but instead, I swerve off in the opposite direction, shaking my head.