Page 37 of Call Me Yours (Lodestar Ranch #4)

CHLOE

Mom

Hi, honey. Are you working today?

Chloe

No, I have the weekend off. Is everything ok?

Mom

Everything is definitely not ok. Do you have a minute.

Chloe

I’ll be there in 30.

Mom

I’m already here. In your driveway.

“Mom?” I rapped my knuckles on the driver’s side window. “What are you doing?”

She rolled down the window so we could hear each other.

“I needed to talk to you, so I figured I should come to you for once but then I got here and realized that you’re a busy person, and maybe I was only making things worse by showing up unannounced like this.

Maybe you don’t have time today. I should have called first.”

I blinked. Mom wasn’t a rambler. I was starting to worry.

“Mom.” I rubbed my arms for warmth. I hadn’t grabbed a jacket before running outside when I got her text. “Come inside.”

She rubbed her nose. “I don’t want to face Steven yet. Not after what happened at Thanksgiving. I’m too embarrassed.”

With a sigh, I rounded the car and climbed into the passenger seat. “What’s going on, Mom? Are you sick? You didn’t have to drive all the way out here. I would have come to you.”

“You always come to us, Chloe.” She pursed her lips, her forehead pinched in a frown.

Then she shook her head like she had come to a decision that she didn’t particularly like.

“Do you know what I realized? We visited you only once at the bungalow, and that was when you first moved in. We’ve never been to Steven’s place at all. ”

“It’s fine,” I said. “It makes more sense for me to go to you. It’s easier.”

“It’s not fine. You have been making things easier for us for too long. I cannot…” Her hands twisted on her lap. “I’m so sorry, honey.”

I searched for the right words, opening and closing my mouth like a fish searching for air. I wanted to tell her it was all okay. That I didn’t mind, because this was what families did for each other. We had all done the best we could, hadn’t we?

But the truth was, it wasn’t all okay. Some of it was, some of it wasn’t, and it all got mixed up together somehow. I hadn’t set the boundaries that I should have. It had never occurred to me that I had boundaries I wanted to set.

“You never asked me to take care of my brothers when you were sick,” I said slowly, carefully, still working through it myself.

“I did it because it needed to be done. And I’m glad I did.

I wouldn’t change any of that, except that I hated you were sick.

If I had to do it all over again, I would.

But asking me now to live my life on your terms…

” I shook my head. “That’s not fair. If you don’t want to do the paperwork, hire someone.

I can help with that. But I have my own life, and it’s mine to live as I see fit. ”

“Terry said the same thing,” Mom admitted.

“He felt terrible about what Steven said. You know he has always loved you like his own, and you were the only one of the five that showed any interest in the horse business. The idea of working with you every day…that was hard for him to let go of. But we are both so proud of you, no matter what you choose to do.”

“I know.” My eyes stung. “I know. It’s okay, Mom. Can we go inside and have hot chocolate now?”

“Yes—no. Darn it, I’m doing it again.” Mom cleared her throat and sat up straighter. “None of this is actually what I came here to talk about. I owe you an apology, Chloe. I should never have allowed your grandmother to treat you like that.”

“No,” I said hastily because, oh, god, I did not want to talk about this. Not now, not ever. “No, you don’t have to say anything, Mom. You can’t force Grams to talk to me. You can’t force her to forgive me. We can let it go.”

“I can tell her she can treat her granddaughter with basic kindness and respect, or she can find somewhere else to live,” Mom said bluntly.

“You’re bringing her great-grandchild into the world.

Is she going to ignore him, too? No. Enough is enough.

We’ve coddled her longer than we should have.

” She blinked rapidly. “Steven was right. We took the easy way out at your expense.”

I felt sick. “You can’t do that. You can’t send Grams away.”

“Honey, your grandmother is eighty-two. She’s fully an adult and can make her own decisions. We’re not sending her away. We’re telling her has a choice to make.”

My pulse beat a panicked staccato in my throat. “But she’s not wrong. I should have known. I should have said something when I first found out. I never should have left him alone that afternoon.”

“Oh, honey.” She stroked my hair back from my forehead.

“You don’t really believe that, do you? You didn’t know.

You’re judging your past self based on what you know now, with a degree in mental health and hundreds of clinical hours under your belt.

That’s not fair. You have to forgive yourself, Chloe. ”

You can’t forgive me. You don’t even know how to forgive yourself . Steven’s words echoed in my head. I squeezed my eyes shut.

“I think when we let Grams blame you for his decision, we let you blame yourself, too,” Mom said softly. “We should never have let you shoulder the blame just to keep the peace.”

“If I could just—” My voice faltered.

“Turn back time?” Mom suggested drily. “If only. But you can’t.

It doesn’t matter how hard you wish otherwise.

You made a judgment call, and it turned out to be the wrong one.

I’m so sorry you have to live with that.

We all wish we had done differently. We all think if we had only , then Gramps would still be here.

You have to forgive yourself for what you didn’t know. ”

“I don’t know how,” I confessed.

Have you ever done something you can’t take back, no matter how much you want to? You can’t fix it. You just have to live with it like a bad tattoo.

Stick with me, princess. I’ll show you how to be a villain .

I sat very still as his words collided in my soul like an earthquake. I felt rearranged by it. Suddenly I understood what he meant. Forgiveness didn’t mean rationalizing a bad thing away. It wasn’t condoning or excusing. It was acceptance and letting go. That was all.

Steven had figured that out when I couldn’t.

He had learned to live with himself. He was putting good in the world not to punish himself for being bad, but because that was who he was and who he wanted to be.

I hadn’t done that. I had let Grams treat me like shit because I believed that was what I deserved.

Shit. Shit.

I couldn’t breathe.

“We talked it over, me and Terry,” Mom said. “We want you to know that the offer is still on the table, but the terms are different. You can still come home anytime you want. I’ll babysit no matter what job you choose to do.”

“Thanks, but I…” My voice trailed off as Steven jogged out the front door. He did a double take when he saw us sitting in the driveway, and then slowly raised his hand in a wave before grabbing something from the bed of his truck and heading behind the house. I sighed.

“But you’d rather stay put with the big, handsome farrier?” Mom snickered. “Yes, I can relate.”

My cheeks heated. “But I’m an adult and need to be on my own. Steven has nothing to do with this.”

Mom patted my knee. “Oh, honey. Your dad is his boss, and that still didn’t stop him from telling us exactly what he thought about our treatment of you.

From the way you two look at each other, he has everything to do with this.

” She glanced at the clock. “I should be getting back, but here.” She reached into the back seat and handed me a loaf of bread in plastic wrap.

“I baked it this morning. You know how punching dough helps me work out my feelings.”

I laughed. “Thanks. And thanks for the loaf you sent me through Steven a couple months ago. I meant to call and thank you, but I completely forgot.”

Mom tilted her head quizzically. “What are you talking about?”

“You asked Steven to bring me a loaf because he would be in my neighborhood anyway, remember? It was back in early October.”

“No,” Mom said slowly. “I never did that. I gave him a couple loaves of bread for winterizing the house. It was the only payment he would accept.”

All the air whooshed out of my lungs. “No. That was Jaxson.”

“Jaxson helped. Steven wrangled him into it, but it wasn’t that hard. Jaxson idolizes the man, so he was happy to help.”

“But that was…” When he hated me . Didn’t he? I stared blindly past the house, like I could see him there. “Mom, I have to?—”

“Go,” she said, looking amused.

I was unbuckled and halfway out the door before she got the full syllable out.

“Not about the farrier, my big white butt,” she muttered.

Goddammit, where was that man?

Steven’s house sat on a seven-acre lot, most of it pasture. I had expected he’d be hanging out with the pigs, but he was nowhere to be seen. Frustrated and cold, I turned to go back into the house when a noise caught my attention along the side of the house.

And there he was. Four stakes and string created a square-shaped boundary, with Steven in the middle, his back to me and a shovel in his hands, turning up sod.

“Steven McAllister, I have a question for you,” I announced.

He froze, his shoulders bunched up to his ears. “All right,” he grunted.

“Turn around, please. I don’t want to have this conversation with your backside.”

He slowly turned to face me. Whatever emotion had been on his face was immediately replaced with agitation. “Where’s your coat?”

“Inside.” I crossed my arms over my chest in a way I hoped looked defiant but was really for warmth.

“Then you should be, too,” he snapped. “We can talk in there.”

“We’re talking now,” I insisted.

A muscle bulged in his jaw. “For fuck’s sake, Chloe.”

He drove the shovel into the earth with both hands so it stood upright on its own, then shrugged out of his puffer jacket. Three long strides and he was standing toe to toe with me. He settled his jacket on my shoulders. “Put this on.”

“But then you’ll be cold,” I protested.

“So talk fast.”

My gaze flicked over his annoyed face. “This right here. What you’re doing now, giving me your coat. What is this? Am I your penance?”

“You’re a pain in my ass, if that’s what you mean,” he muttered. His hands followed the zipper down the front of the coat until he got to the bottom, where he lined up the parts and latched them together.

“You winterized my parents’ house,” I accused.

He fumbled the zipper momentarily but then kept going, dragging it up to my chin.

“Yeah, I did. They needed the help, and I was happy to do it. They’re not just your parents to me.

Terry is my mentor. He took me under his wing, and I’ll be a damn good farrier because of him.

And Angie…I just like her, okay? Of course I helped them. ”

It all sounded so reasonable. So believable. Except for one thing. “It was my list. You knew they weren’t going to do it themselves. You knew it would be me.” I tried to shake my head, but my hair was stuck in the coat with me, holding me still.

With a soft chuckle, Steven slipped his hand underneath my hair and gently pulled it free. “There you go, princess.” He squeezed the back of my neck.

“And that ,” I said. “You keep taking care of me. The bread that you said was from my mom but it really wasn’t. Grocery shopping and making me take the pregnancy test. Driving me to that first appointment and holding my hand. I’m your penance, aren’t I?”

“Are you serious right now?” he demanded.

“Yes, I’m fucking serious!” I shouted in his face. “Because none of this”—I gestured to myself—“can possibly be fun for you. I was mean . Steven… you caught my vomit in your bare hands . On purpose! If that’s not penance, what is?”

“You’re not my penance, Chloe.” He cupped my face in his hands, thumbs stroking over my cheeks. “Don’t you understand? Taking care of you is not a punishment. It’s my reward.”

My lower lip trembled. “What?” I whispered.

“I have worked really hard to be a better man than I was two years ago. I didn’t do that for you.

I did that for me, to be someone I could respect.

If I have to live with myself another sixty years, then I’d rather not hate myself every goddamn minute of the day.

But you… Even before I fell in love with you, I wanted to be near you.

For two years, you wouldn’t give me the time of day.

Kicked me out of your presence like a princess exiling riffraff.

But things changed after that night we rescued Stevie.

You let me stay. You let me help you, when you don’t accept help from anyone.

I never expected it, but I craved it. You’re my reward, and I’ll never stop trying to earn your love. ”

I drew in a shaky breath. “You’ve earned it a thousand times over. I love you so goddamn much.” My eyes held his as I looped my arms around his neck and dug my hands into his hair. “You’re mine, Steven McAllister, and I want the whole fucking world to know it.”

And then I crushed my mouth to his.