Page 96 of Burn Bright (Cobalt Empire #1)

“If it’s so fucking hard to leave your girlfriend, why do you want to?”

I don’t want to. I have to. I swallow a rock. “I need to do this for myself. I need to help myself first.”

This untenses some of his muscles. He seems to understand. “Who’s the one person you talk to that makes you want to wake up in the fucking morning?”

Harriet. I’m more torn up, and I can’t even say her name.

He sees, though. “Ben, if it’s her , really contemplate what you want to do next. Because life, this one fucking life you have, is worth living with the people you love. You could go to the most beautiful place on earth and be the loneliness fucking guy because she’s not there.”

I know I will be.

All I can do is nod. Before we descend the fire tower, he cups the back of my head, bringing me closer, and I hug my uncle in a strong, toughened embrace. Fortifying me for what’s to come.

I feel like my temperature is a million-degrees and climbing.

One sneeze away from total destruction. So when I’m back at the apartment, I only say a few words to my brothers.

Enough to diminish their worries. Then I shower, crash on the couch, and when I wake, most of them have left for work obligations.

It’s Saturday night. They have performances.

Beckett, the ballet.

Eliot, the theatre.

Tom, meeting with his producer.

Charlie, no clue.

They know I’m heading to Harriet’s apartment around nine p.m. They know I’ll be with her late into the night, so it’s likely why no one cancels their plans. Plus, they’re aware I’d be pissed if they did that for me.

I have some time before I go to Harriet’s. I find myself on the rooftop of my brothers’ Hell’s Kitchen high-rise. It’s something I wanted to do, but never did. To look at the glittering skyline and city lights from the tallest point of the building.

No pool, patio, wet bar, or lounge chairs—the concrete roof just has some vent stacks, satellite dishes, cellular antennas, a couple empty beer cans, and cigarette butts. No one has escaped here for a smoke. It’s just me and the city I thought I hated.

New York.

Now I wish with everything in my soul I could stay.

I just can’t. I never really could.

The heavy door swings open, and I twist my head. Shock solidifies my joints at the sight of Xander. He seems equally stunned to find me here. His cellphone is in one hand, the screen aimed at his face like he’s on a video chat.

I fully expect him to retreat inside. If the ice is melting between us, it’s on a slow drip because I still feel the chill at Board Game Club, during class, and family functions.

He steps on the roof and lets the door shut behind him. Maybe he’ll sit five-hundred feet away from me. I didn’t choose an interesting spot. My ass is on the hard concrete in the middle of the roof, and I’ve been leaning back on my palms.

Xander signs in ASL on his phone. Then hangs up and comes over to me. Yeah, I am dumbstruck at this point. Unable to speak. I recognize he has no bodyguard shadowing him.

“Don’t freak. I’m not going to jump.” He drops down beside me, stuffing his hands in the pocket of his black hoodie. “Are you?” His amber eyes touch mine, and I see he’s serious.

I bend forward. “I considered flying actually.” I hold my knees loosely. “How far you think I’ll make it?”

“Too many buildings. You’ll hit one at some point.

” His silver hoop earring glints in the flickering city light.

“But I’m also not the glass half-full guy.

Ask someone else, and they’ll say you’ll reach Neverland.

” He blows on his cupped hands, the chilly temperature dropping as December nears.

“I come up here sometimes just to get away. It’s one of the only places I can go without people staring at me.

Plus, this whole building is like a fortress.

No one is going to Spider-Man their way up here, and if they do, then maybe I will jump. ” He adds fast, “Joking.”

“I knew you were.” I glance at his phone he placed on the ground. He has a friend who goes to Yale and is hard of hearing. They met in prep school, and I knew of Spencer Sadler when I’d been there. Mostly because I had a class with her.

I smile over at him. “You learned ASL for a girl.”

“You joined a geeky ass board game club for a girl.”

I laugh. Yeah. I did do that. I’d do so much for Harriet Fisher. Except stay in New York. The laughter drifts to silence. I think that hurts the most because I know it’s the one thing she wants, and I can’t give it to her.

He hunches forward, his elbows on his knees. “You two are officially together, aren’t you?”

Yeah, we have been , but I’m about to change everything. “You heard our family talking about it?” I guess.

“Way before then, I knew, man.” He gives me a look. “You were wearing her bracelets. She has a fucking necklace in French. You flirt hard-core. I’m not that dense.”

“You’re not dense at all. It’s just more complicated.”

“Why?”

Oh, I don’t know…I won’t be here tomorrow, Xander. I’ll never see you again either, and by the way, I’m not going to make the Ovid presentation. I scratch the back of my head, unable to release a single word. It all just hurts.

Xander sees. “I’m pretty sure she loves you, you know. Harriet. If she hasn’t already told you yet. She’s cool, so if I were you, I wouldn’t screw it up.”

My stomach tightens.

“No pressure,” he says more softly, sighing at himself. Then he unpockets a box of SweeTarts. “I mean, if I were you, I literally would never fuck-up. Being gregarious, extroverted, likeable is like hitting the social lottery.”

“So is being considered one of the most beautiful people on the planet.”

“Too bad I’m ugly on the inside.” He tosses a SweeTart in his mouth.

I smile wider, liking the jokes. “We’re self-deprecating hard tonight.”

“It’s what I’m good at.” He chews on the candy more slowly. “Kinney told me everything about the frat last night.” His little sister is best friends with Audrey.

I slip my cold hands into my dark blue winter jacket. “Yeah, it wasn’t a good time. Be glad you weren’t there.”

“Our little sisters are nuts.” He shakes more candy in his palm. “They take the wildest risks imaginable.”

“She thought she could trust Kappa because of me.”

Xander lets out a sharp noise. “The whole frat?” His face contorts in thought.

“Ben, I know you looked out for the girls when I didn’t, but they’d feel like dogshit if you took any blame for their mistakes.

I’m almost positive Audrey knows it was her decision that caused the downward spiral of events. ”

It was actually mine.

It all leads back to me. It always does.

I don’t want to alarm him, so I just nod and stare at the SweeTarts in his palm. “You and Harriet could open a candy shop.”

“And eat everything inside, probably.”

I want to laugh, to smile, but I just look deeper at Xander. Please take care of her. I wipe the heel of my palm against my cheek as tears drip.

“Ben?” Xander touches my bicep.

“I’m okay.” I nod to myself a lot and run my tongue over my molars. The loss of Harriet is slamming into me before I’ve even let her go. I have to pinch my eyes to stop the waterworks. I’m on my feet. Needing to go inside and—I don’t know—cry in the fucking shower?

Xander stands, and before he says anything, I hug him goodbye. “Thanks,” I say from my core, trying to breathe. I start walking away, rubbing at my tear-streaked cheeks.

“Ben!” Xander catches up to me.

I stop and turn my agonized face toward his empathetic amber eyes.

His chest collapses in a deep breath. “I hope you know something,” he says, very quietly.

“I’d rather sit on this rooftop with you for a billion years than not have you in this world at all.

” The memory of us at thirteen comes sweeping back.

The bathroom. The lake house. “I never forgot what you told me. It helped me that night…and maybe it’ll help you too.

Because you belong in this world. Shit, if anyone does from our families, it’s the eco-friendly vegan with a heart made of sustainable material. ”

It makes me laugh.

He smiles a little more, but he’s uncertain. He knows I’m not okay. I know this all sucks, but this is the only way I can protect them.

I have to go. “I think you and Harriet will always be friends.”

He intakes a pained breath. “Ben, don’t?—”

“I’m not dying,” I assure. “I’m considering moving out of the city. Living somewhere else. I think maybe nature will be good, you know?”

He nods, then rapidly shakes his head. “No, man, I don’t understand.”

“I’m going to drop out of MVU. I haven’t told my parents or my siblings yet.”

Xander frowns. “Does Harriet know?”

I nod a few times, tears trying to surge again. She doesn’t know it’s happening soon, but she will tonight. My eyes blister.

It dawns on Xander—this is why I’m crushed. “Why are you leaving? New York isn’t even that bad. There’s not as many paparazzi like back in Philly with our parents. All your brothers are here. You even said Charlie stopped being an ass. Nature can’t be better.”

It’s not. “I think it’s what I need.”

Xander expels a heavy sigh.

“Keep an eye on her for me?”

“Jesus Christ,” he mutters, shaking his head like he’s stepped into another dimension. “Yeah, I will.” I turn to go as he speaks. “You never said why you were up here.”

“I was just looking at the lights.”

One last time.