Page 55

FIFTY-FOUR

willa

The hospital cafeteria is quiet. I guess it should be at two in the morning. Belle and Kai dragged me down here with them to grab a coffee. The black sludge that passes as coffee here is at least warm in my hands.

The doctors took Declan straight back to surgery. The good news was the blade was so sharp, and Patrick was so quick, the damage was minimal. She said it would barely even scar. He lost a lot of blood, though, and they’re guessing he’ll be out for at least the rest of the night. Declan had three infusions before they moved him to a room they would let me see him in. If the medics hadn’t already been in the building from working the game, and Sinclair hadn’t offered his helicopter, I would have lost him. The thought keeps creeping up on me like an unwanted bug, keeping me on the edge of a panic attack.

I only agreed to coffee when Ben came in and asked to sit with Dec for a while. I’m still checking my phone every few seconds in case something happens, or he wakes up looking for me.

I look at two of my best friends, their concern and love for Declan evident in the way they burst into the hospital in a panic after I called them. I knew in that moment that there was no more room for secrets between us.

“You’re my best friend, Belle. Declan is too.”

“Uh, that’s not news,” Kai says. Belle and I both turn and glare at him. “Right. I’m going to make sure the kitchen is still there.” Normally, that would make me smile, but I can’t. I watch Kai wander off to the other side of the cafeteria.

“I realized something recently,” I start. “I realized that I’m so terrified of people leaving me that I’ve only ever given them parts of myself. So that when they leave, I won’t be left hollow and broken.”

Belle’s eyes quickly tear up. “Are you mad at me for leaving too?” Kai blamed her for leaving him when she chose college over Shattered Halo. I’m not surprised that’s the conclusion she jumped to.

“Not at all,” I assure her. “My friendship with Declan was always long distance, so you going to college didn’t bother me.” Belle nods, brows furrowed, but she stays quiet, letting me get to my point. “I meant leaving in the permanent sense.”

“Your parents?”

“Yeah. I didn’t have any intention of keeping Declan a secret. Honestly, I probably mentioned him when we were little. I wouldn’t expect you to remember if I didn’t. But when my mom died, it felt like my heart split in two.” Belle raises her eyebrow, having figured out where this conversation is going. She reaches across the table and holds my hand. “I gave him one half and you the other.”

“You protected yourself.”

“Yeah,” is all I manage to say around the lump in my throat.

“But he knew all about me.”

“That’s the other thing I realized. I told him all about you because you’re my sister, and I adore you.” I lift my head so I can look her in the eyes. “But I hid him away because he was the most precious thing in my life, and I selfishly didn’t want to share.”

“Because you’ve always been in love with him,” she states in a way that makes it seem like it’s obvious.

“I’m so in love with him. It feels like I can’t breathe.” I sob, rubbing my chest. “When he’s gone, I sleep on his side of the bed, just so I can feel the echo of him. So I can wrap myself in the smell of his cologne and dream of the whispers of his touch on my skin.” I take in a ragged breath and squeeze Belle’s hand. “I was too scared to let myself love him and as soon as I did, I hurt him.”

Belle stands and throws herself around me. “You didn’t do this to him. Patrick did. Eva did. You didn’t hurt Declan.”

“Why do I keep hurting the people I love? What’s wrong with me?” I sob into her shoulder, refusing to believe her words. “I brought him into my life. I agreed to be fake married to him, knowing there was someone out there that wanted to hurt us.”

“What do you mean? You fake married him?” Belle asks. I can feel her trying to pull away to look at me, but I just hold her tighter as I explain everything.

“It kind of sounds like your marriage was never fake, and you were just really slow at figuring that out.”

I glare at Kai as he makes his way back to the table. He shrugs at the same time Belle sighs.

“I was wondering if that was the case when he showed up on Thanksgiving, but by Christmas, it was clear how in love with him you were, and I stopped thinking about it. I just assumed I was wrong,” Belle says.

I finally pull away from her. “I understand if you’re mad at me,” I say quietly.

“I’m not mad, Willa. I’ve had months to come to terms with not being number one in your life anymore. Which I suppose is only fair.” She looks lovingly at Kai when she says that. He looks back at her like she’s the most precious thing in the world. I start to tear up again and rise from my seat. I need to be with the most precious thing in my world.