Page 38

JORDAN

L ogan’s parents had the coziest house on the planet. I’d said it a million times, but it hit differently today. The smell of fresh cookies wafted from the kitchen, a fire crackled in the living room fireplace, and everything was warm and soft and safe. Except for me.

I sat curled up on Logan’s childhood bed in their basement, staring out the small window at the bare trees swaying in the cold wind.

My thoughts were a mess, running in circles and tangling into knots I couldn’t untie.

Logan was upstairs, probably giving me space or maybe giving me time to stop being an idiot.

Because that was what I’d been. An idiot. A panicked, irrational idiot.

I hugged my knees to my chest, replaying the moment I saw that email on Preston’s laptop.

My chest still tightened at the memory, but now there was something else mixed in with the hurt and anger: guilt.

Guilt that I hadn’t stopped to think, hadn’t asked questions, hadn’t trusted him enough to just talk to him.

I sighed, pressing my forehead against my knees. You fucking ruined it, Jordan .

The biting tone of my own inner voice sounded a lot like my mom’s when she spoke to me… which, fucking yikes. Why was I so mean to myself? Why was I so messed up?

The guilt shifted to terror, then shifted to utter sadness as I thought about what life would be like without him in the house.

I wouldn’t hear him go up the stairs, knowing his exact footsteps.

I wouldn’t see him playing video games without a shirt or how his hair was wild in the morning.

No more super late nights, no more early mornings.

Not having all those moments with him broke me. I wanted that…literally forever.

My phone remained off the last few hours I was here, my pulse spiking with the urge to power it on. He’d call me. I knew that, but I wasn’t ready. What did I even say?

“How are we doing?” Logan walked back into her room, a kind, understanding expression on her face. She set a mug of hot chocolate on the side table and plopped down on the foot of the bed. “You haven’t moved.”

“I’m embarrassed and sad.” There. I admitted the truth, which was hard for some reason.

Logan would never judge me, but it was challenging to put to words what was going on in my mind.

“It makes sense to just cut off contact with him, you know? If he’s gonna move out or move on after college anyway, I should get used to it now.

Maybe the pain would hurt less if I put distance between us. ”

Logan frowned and reached over to squeeze my knee. “First off, he called me freaking out. He’s not moving, okay? I also totally get what you’re saying. It’s easier to deal with the pain now than have it be worse later. Totally a way to protect yourself.”

She had an edge to her tone, and I glanced at her. Of course she’d immediately believe him. “I sense a but coming?”

“It’s more of a however, ” she teased. “That’s years away, and I think you’re scared.

You had a shit experience growing up, loving people who were supposed to love and care for you back.

It’s messed with you. You never want to put yourself truly out there because what if they turn you away? What if they don’t love you?”

“God, Logan.” My eyes prickled, and I barked out a hard laugh. “Let’s get right to the root of my soul here.”

“It’s true, though. I’d be a bad friend if I didn’t point out that I know your flaws and love you anyway. Distance doesn’t matter. Hell, we’ve only been living together this year! We’ve always been close, and friends, and it doesn’t matter where one lives.”

“So you’re saying you’d be okay with Quentin moving out? You wouldn’t be able to see him every night or hear him move in his room or watch the way he eats his food?”

Logan’s grin grew. “Well, I’d be quite upset if the man I was totally in love with moved out because I’m at a different place with him. We’re together. We’re a couple. We have plans to be together for a long time. Do you see my point, my dearest darling?”

My eye twitched as her meaning hit me. “Okay so I’m probably in love with Preston.”

“There’s no probably about it.” She leaned closer and rested her head on my shoulder.

“You are. And it’s probably terrifying to you because when you love someone, you are giving them your heart and hoping they take care of it.

It’s a gamble, and you’ve been burned so many times.

But Preston? He’s the best gamble you can take. ”

My heart aggressively pounded to the point it actually hurt. I placed a hand on my chest, taking a few deep breaths to calm down as the truth weighed over me. Yes, I loved him. Yes, I was terrified. “I’m…what if he decides I’m too much?”

“Jordan Vanderfleet. You are exactly as you’re supposed to be, and I don’t know how to get that through your head.

You are not too much, and quite frankly, I’m gonna need you to stop saying it.

” Logan stood up, hands on her hips, and her eyes widened.

“I wish you saw yourself how the people who love you see you. No one can really help you with it besides yourself. My sister adores you. My parents view you as a third child. Preston has seen you at your worst, best, and everything in between. I have no idea why he’d even think about moving out, but he told me he wasn’t.

Trust me, that man would rather hurt himself than you.

I know that with every fiber of my being. ”

“He wants to get married and have kids some day. I don’t.”

“Oh. Did you talk about that with him? Did he ask you?” Logan’s tone rose.

“Stop finding excuses. You know what? Tomorrow morning, we’re calling therapists.

You need to work through your own thoughts, and it’s gonna be hard.

” Logan stepped toward me and placed both hands on my shoulders, her tone softening.

“You deserve all the happiness and love in the entire world. It’s our job, mine and Preston’s, to hold you up when you’re struggling, and we will, but you gotta meet us halfway and work on yourself. ”

I nodded.

Logan was right. Despite the instinct to argue with her, she spoke the truth and was the only person in the world who truly had never hurt me. The tears spilled over my cheeks, and I quickly wiped them with my sleeve. “I feel so stupid.”

“Why?”

“I always felt like a burden to everyone around me, and even though you mean the words you say, I still feel so high-maintenance and ashamed you have to deal with me. You’re right though.

I’ll look for therapy to work on these spiraling thoughts.

I can’t… I can’t have you and Preston carrying my burdens. ”

“You are never a burden to me, and I know I can’t do much else but remind you of that all the time.

” Logan pulled me into a hug, squeezing hard, and I wrapped my arms around her, the comfort and love and safety overwhelming me.

I’d always heard of people choosing their own family, and Logan was the embodiment of all that. “I love you, you pain in the ass.”

I snorted, full-on crying now. “I love you too.”

“Let me get the air mattress set up. We should sleep and then tomorrow, you have two calls to make.” She arched a brow, daring me to argue.

“I know, I know.”

“Good. Because all this self-doubt you have right now? Preston is probably feeling the same thing. He’s hurting too.”

That gutted me. I hated picturing him being sad at all, even if it was justified. Logan was right though. Before I spoke to him, I had to start the process of healing for myself.

I woke up feeling like a truck hit me, but there was a blip of hope somewhere in the wreckage.

I actually slept hard—probably from exhaustion—but I had purpose, a plan.

I loved plans and to-do lists, a map of what to do.

I bolted up from bed, finding a list of numbers and names on a Post-it note left from Logan.

Love you, make the call. Then come eat.

To make the call, I’d have to turn my phone on. That meant seeing whatever Preston sent me. With a deep inhale, I powered on my phone, and it went berserk with messages.

Preston, his brother, Quentin… I gulped, maybe not quite ready to read them yet. I ignored them and dialed the first number.

It took a good thirty minutes and six calls, but I had an intake appointment set up in four days, and from there, they’d schedule out whatever they thought was needed.

It was weird how proud I was that I did it. I made the appointment, and instead of feeling horrible about it, I felt great. My mom always said therapy was stupid and for those with weak minds, but she was wrong.

Knowing you needed help and asking for it was pretty damn brave. I was choosing myself, choosing to navigate and deal with the feelings that made me self-sabotage, and the first person I wanted to tell?

Preston fucking Charming.

Two things were clear after sleeping. One—I loved him. I always had, but this forceful, overwhelming, would-kill-for-him feeling snuck in some time and buried itself so deep it was in my DNA. The second thing was that it didn’t matter where he was moving. I was following him.

Plain and simple, I didn’t want to live without him.

If that was too much or too aggressive, then he’d just have to deal with it.

Damn. It felt good to have direction. I piled my hair in a messy bun, changed into a different pair of yoga pants and one of Logan’s old sweatshirts, and made my way upstairs.

It smelled like eggs, bacon, and pancakes—a Hart family staple—and I grinned as I pushed the basement door open. “Are the pancakes in shapes again?” I asked but stilled when I spotted Preston at the kitchen table.

He jumped up, the chair making an awkward scraping sound on the tile floor. He gripped the back of his neck, his gaze wide and worried. “Jordan, hi. Hey.”