Page 38 of Breaking Rules

It was unfair of me, I knew. I’d changed the expectations between us the first time. I’d told her that I’d wanted to pursue something with her. I’d given her a key to my house.

And then I’d blown it all up because Keli had decided she wanted us to be a family.

I told myself I had done it the right way. When I’d realized that I needed to at least try to make a normal family for Evanne, I had been honest with Lumen rather than keeping her in the dark. I’d been as polite and matter-of-fact as I could. There wasn’t anything more I could have done.

Completely understandable.

So formal. As if she was simply talking to the father of one of her students and not a man who had been her first lover.

Except the father of a studentwasall that I was anymore. Judging by the lack of emotion in Lumen’s response, it was likely all that I would ever be, no matter what came of Keli’s and my attempt to make a stable home for our daughter.

Lumen wouldn’t wait for me. I had been tempted to ask her to, but it wouldn’t have been fair. That didn’t stop a part of me from being hurt that she hadn’t offered or told me to take all the time I needed.

Perhaps that would be for the best. I would have felt guilty trying to make a family for Evanne while knowing Lumen had put her life on hold. This way, she was free to meet other men, go on dates…take other lovers.

The jealousy that burned through me hurt more than I liked, but I assured myself it was only natural. It would go away soon enough.

“Hey, honey.” Keli’s hands landed on my shoulders. “Dinner’s almost ready.”

My natural instinct was to shrug off her touch, but I kept it back. I had agreed to give this an honest try and refusing to have any contact with her wouldn’t be holding my word. That didn’t, however, mean that I had to encourage it either. Ignoring appeared to be the best middle ground.

“Thank you, Keli. I’ll be right there.”

I breathed a sigh of relief when she left. She and I hadn’t spent this much time together even when we had dated. Yesterday, she hadn’t left until I’d said that I needed to go to bed, and I’d gotten the impression that she would have offered to go with me if she’d gotten the slightest hint of encouragement. Then today, she’d picked up Evanne after school – remembering to let me know at least – and had been here when I’d gotten home from work.

One positive out of it, at least, was that I hadn’t needed to help Evanne with her homework. Keli had also taken over reading to our daughter last night. It almost seemed like Keli had taken the routine she and Evanne once had before the custody change and had simply applied it here. In a way, that was good because routine was important, particularly during the school year. I knew all too well what it was like to have one’s world shaken and turned upside-down as a child.

The reminder strengthened my resolve, and I left my laptop on the table next to my chair and headed into the kitchen. The table was set, and the last of the food was coming out of the oven as Evanne jumped up from her seat to come over and give me a hug.

“No pizza today,” she said. “But Mommy said if I’m good, we can have pizza tomorrow.”

I added that to my mental list of things to talk about after Evanne went to bed. We needed to figure out a way for both of us to be involved in decisions that affected either Evanne or all of us directly, even something as simple as dinner. When Keli had made the unilateral decision to sign over primary custody to me and leave the country, she’d lost the right to go back to being the one responsible for all the decisions regarding our daughter. Whether Keli liked it or not, I would no longer defer to her judgment automatically.

“What are we having tonight then,mo chride?” I asked before planting a kiss on the top of Evanne’s head.

“Tuna casserole.” She made a face, but it vanished the moment Keli turned toward us.

I watched Evanne go to her usual seat and wondered if Keli knew that Evanne didn’t like tuna casserole but expected her to eat it for whatever reason, or if Evanne hadn’t told her mother because she thought any sort of disagreement or negative expression would send Keli away. I needed to find a way to reassure Evanne that it wasn’t her responsibility to make Keli happy, and if Keli left again, it wouldn’t be due to anything the little girl had done.

Dinner was pleasant enough. We made polite conversation, punctuated by Keli’s stories and her new plan about how to become the world’s fastest eight-year-old.

“Ms. Browne says that when we want to do something, we should write down what we need to do it and then figure out how,” Evanne said.

My stomach tightened at the name. I’d been expecting it. Even if Evanne didn’t understand relationship dynamics, Lumen was still her teacher and one about whom Evanne cared and admired. I couldn’t ask her to not talk about her teacher.

“Really?” Keli raised her eyebrows. “I think that’s a bit hard for third-graders. Shouldn’t she be teaching you about multiplication and Christopher Columbus discovering America? That sort of thing?”

“Christopher Columbus didn’t discover America, Mom.” Evanne shook her head. “Ms. Browne told us about…”

The rest of this school year would be like this, I realized. Even if Keli took over all school activities and meetings, I wouldn’t be free of reminders until June. I could only hope that Keli being here would keep Evanne from asking why Lumen hadn’t come over in a while. That was a conversation I dreaded.

“…and then she said that whenever we read anything in history, we need to remember that nobody’s perfect and every country has done bad things to someone at some point.”

“Oh, is that what she said?” Keli’s voice was tight, displeasure written on her face. “Did she say why she was telling you that?”

Evanne nodded, expression solemn. “Because we can’t change the past, but we can change the future. She said that even us kids can do it by being nice to people and helping people who need it. Like donating toys and clothes to kids to don’t have them.”

“She wants you to give away your toys and clothes?” Keli looked at me, her eyes comically wide. “Did you hear that, Alec? Evanne’s teacher is telling her to give away all of her toys and clothes. Then who has to replace them? Us.”