Page 16

Chapter sixteen

Ryann

I’m going to sit on my bed all night and stare at the curtain. My intentions are clear for the first couple of hours, but I’m tired. Exhausted. Sleep calls me like a siren, begging me to come drown. It takes me forever, but, eventually, I manage to fall into a light doze filled with dreams of potatoes and oceans that try to drag me under.

Still, it seems like only a second before I hear a bang and jump up, my heart exploding into an unhealthy gallop. I tiptoe to the window and look down. All I can see is the world lit up with an unnatural orange glow.

I race downstairs, shouting for the alphas. Kelly’s phone is in my hand as I dial the fire station. I hang up when I see them arrive, but when I get out onto the lawn and look towards the garages, I can see what’s happened.

Both of the packs’ cars are on fire.

I bite my thumb and stand there watching them burn, praying it doesn’t spread anywhere else.

Callan comes out and stops beside me. His hair is a mess, and he’s only wearing track pants. I glance around the street, neighbours are pouring out, coming to watch the commotion. They gather in groups and huddle. A few come across and stand talking to Raider and Kit in hushed voices.

The smoke burns my nose, and the cold leaves me shivering convulsively.

I can’t see anyone that shouldn’t be here, not that I’d know who shouldn’t be here. They are all strangers to me .

I rub my aching head and sway, but I’m caught by Raider. I stiffen and step away from him, discreetly glancing around the street that’s full of unfamiliar people. Did someone see him touch me?

Sweat breaks out on my spine, and even the chill of the night can’t cool me down.

Raider’s hurt poisons his aura, but I ignore it, resolving to making sure I don’t cause any more trouble. It’s not safe for them to touch me. Not out here, not in public.

What I should do is go upstairs, grab my stuff, and leave now, while I can. That would be the right thing to do.

I chew my bottom lip, and then leave the guys standing there watching the fire crew spray the cars with water.

“We got it before it got the tanks!” I hear one of the guys call out. “Almost out, Cap.”

The relief I feel leaves me wilting. My eyes burn, and all I can smell is the acrid smoke. Tiredness pulls at me. With a last look around, scanning all the people and memorizing their faces, I decide to call it a night. I go up to my room and sit on the bed.

I should leave.

I’m sick of running. I decided to fight. That was the plan. I thought I’d have more time to get ready.

I didn’t think there would be people I care about around to get hurt.

Time’s up. What are you going to do?

I ponder that question for a long time. Even when I fall asleep, I hear it being asked like it’s on a stereo in my dreams.

I wake up to my door opening, roll out of bed, and sink into a defensive pose. It’s instinctive. I’m still trying to blink sleep out of my eyes, but I’m ready to defend myself.

Where am I?

Oh, Pack Mogel, the cars, the fire. I look up and see Callan, whose expression has folded into shock.

“Ryann?”

I shake my head, trying to get rid of the fog. My heart is racing, and my body trembles like I’ve run a marathon. It’s only then I become aware of how fast my breathing is.

Callan blinks at me and cautiously moves the tray of food to the bed.

“Callan?” My voice sounds weak.

“Good afternoon,” he says the words carefully, his eyes scanning me from top to bottom.

“It’s afternoon?”

“We thought we’d let you sleep.”

“Uh, thank you. ”

Callan points at the food. “Eat and rest. Wren and Raider are at practice, so it’s just the three of us.”

He takes a step towards me, but I jerk back. The silent command hurts him, but he covers it and steps back with a tight, polite smile.

I dip my head and look at the food as he leaves. I know I’m being cold, but it’s for his own best interests.

No good will come of connections and feelings. It would have been better if I remembered that earlier. But, sadly, I ‘didn’t’ or maybe it would be better to say ‘wouldn’t’.

I eat the food, even though my stomach revolts at it, and take a quick shower and get dressed. I pack everything up carefully, and then pause, looking at my camera.

An idea bursts into my mind. It might be pointless, but I have to try.

I pull it out, set it up, and then wander downstairs, trying to appear like I don’t have a mission.

Kit and Callan watch me, and when I go to the front door, I can almost hear their silent screams for answers, but I ignore them and wander out.

It takes everything in me to step outside. I almost turn back, but I need to do this.

I’m sick of running.

The day is beautiful. In the brilliance of this glorious suburb, I can see the perfectly trimmed grass, the shrubs and flowers of matching and obviously planned design. I start taking photos, working quickly and efficiently. Click the flowers. As I’m lifting, I take a shot of the street. I zoom in on the number plates and cars, making sure I can see everything. I focus on windows and the dark areas.

I’m thorough and fast. With each passing moment, my determination grows. I’m going to see this through to the end. I’m not going to lose this battle.

I walk all the way up the street to the end of the cul-de-sac, recording information, colours of cars, any people I see around. I wave and smile and answer their friendly hellos with one of my own. Only when I’ve gotten everything I can think of do I return to the house and go out the back.

It’s harder to go out the back. As I step out, I remember the night that changed me forever, it’s so clear in my mind. Mum and Dad were watching TV when I snuck out of the house. I remember locking the door behind me, leaving it how I left it so they wouldn’t know. They never heard me go. I got a note from one of the guys to meet me on the ice so I could practice. But he never showed. I was out there alone, skating, breaking all the rules, when I fell and hurt myself. It took me a long time to get home.

Only to find my world on fire.

I remember my screams. I can still hear them sometimes. But, ever since, I’ve hated leaving houses. Especially going out the back doors .

I stiffly take wide, sweeping photos and make sure I get every single inch of the forest out the back of their house, and then I turn and quickly snap the neighbours’ yards. The longer I’m out here, the worse my growing panic gets.

As soon as I’m done, I rush back inside, leaning against the wall and shuddering like I’ve walked through cobwebs or something foul. Alone, I fight my demons and memories.

Now for the hard part. I stalk into the lounge and smile tightly at the alphas.

“Can I borrow a laptop?”

Callan shakes his head. “I don’t have a laptop, but I do have something you can use.”

He leads me to his office. I haven’t been in this room before. When he unlocks it and opens it, I’m stunned silent.

“How many monitors do you have?”

“A few?”

Callan blushes, and I love the colour on him. I love the look on him. I miss him. We haven’t gone anywhere, but I feel a million miles away, and it hurts.

I turn away so he can’t see my pathetic yearning. I gesture to the screens and clear my throat. “I just want to look over my photos and upload some to my website?” I hate lying to him. Like more than anything. It makes me sick.

Callan logs into his computer and then, to my everlasting gratitude, he leaves me alone.

I go through the pictures one by one. Searching and comparing. If I can find anything, it will cement one way or another, and I can act accordingly. I start to think maybe it was a fan, one of the crazy people from Wren and Raider’s games.

Maybe it was in my head.

But then I spot something that makes the hairs on the back of my neck crawl. I hiss and lean forward, clicking on the zoom to bring the image right up. On every screen in the room is the blurry and slightly pixilated image of a man standing in the woods staring back at me.

I break out into cold shivers and put a hand to my mouth to stop myself from vomiting.

I didn’t see him.

If I hadn't gone out with the camera, I wouldn’t have even known he was there.

This isn’t a them issue.

This is my issue.

I’ve brought him down on them.

I close my eyes, wondering just what I’m going to do.

Run or fight?

Fight or run?

I need to decide, and I need to do it soon.

I stand in the shadows of the office door and watch the pack interact. Raider and Wren are home, and they are sitting on the couch. Wren has Callan beside him, and they are talking quietly while Raider teases Kit.

I’ll have to leave.

Not yet.

It’s not enough proof.

It could have been a neighbour.

It could have been anyone. One blurry photo of a person in the woods doesn’t mean anything.

I want these alphas, though. Can I have them? What if I get feelings? I’ll have to leave. God, I keep saying the words to myself over and over. I need to leave. But I’m still here.

I can’t leave them.

I haven’t had anything like this since I was a kid. I’m not ready to never see them again. Not yet. Just a few more nights. A few more memories.

I walk forward, comfortable and confident in my decision. Settled. I’m staying.

“Hey, guys.”

“Ah, the triumphant photographer returns,” Kit says with a wink and straddles Raider so he can grin at me.

I watch them for a moment with a growing smile. How do I ask for what I want?

An idea blooms into my mind, and I say it without thinking it through.

“Raider, can you teach me how to tie someone up securely?”

The whole room goes still.

Raider sits up, staring at me, and slides Kit off his lap and onto the lounge. “You want me to teach you how to tie someone up?”

“Yes.”

“So you want to watch?” Raider clarifies with a twist of a smile.

I pretend to think about it. “No, I want to see you tie me up again first so I can pay attention to how you do it on me.”

Kit scrambles backwards off the couch, standing up, looking at Callan in concern.

“Are you sure about this?” Kit interjects.

“Yes,” I say, not looking away from Raider.

Raider surges up, calm, deadly, and intense, but it doesn’t make me waver, not even a little bit .

“Take off your clothes.”

I stare at him.

“Wait, why does she need her clothes off?” Callan protests.

“It’s necessary,” Raider murmurs, but he can sense the intent in me. I know it. He knows what I need.

I slip off my jacket, throwing it on the couch beside Wren.

The tension in the room rackets up. Wren sits up, twisting to watch me.

Raider walks up the stairs slowly, not glancing back but giving me an out. I feel each step in my bones. I quietly strip out of my clothes and stand there staring at the wall, refusing to be drawn into the hushed argument that is going on between Kit and Callan.

Raider’s footsteps on the stairs make a noise that startles me. I turn towards him as he approaches with a bag in his hands.

“If you want to stop, you’re going to say what?”

I smirk at him. “Demons.”

Raider’s eyes flash. “Fine. If your skin starts to change colour too much or tingle, you’re going to tell me, and we’re going to undo it. Immediately. I’m not joking. This isn’t something to be messed around with.”

“You left me tied up before.”

“And that was very wrong of me, but I checked those knots, and you and I both know you could have gotten out of them.”

I haven’t admitted to that, and I didn’t expect him to call me on it.

Callan and Kit fall silent, shocked by his admission.

“You like being restrained,” Raider murmurs. “You can let go when you know someone else will take care of you.”

I don’t agree. I don’t need to. He knows what I need.

I cock my head to the side as he approaches me and puts the bag he’s carrying on the table. Wren grabs the table and pulls it out of the way so there’s a large space in front of the lounge.

Raider walks around me. I notice the coil of red rope in his hand.

“That’s not what you used last time.”

“No, it’s not. Last time, I used a cotton rope with a faux satin appearance. This is jute rope. Specifically designed for this.”

I swallow hard but don’t look away.

“You want to know how to tie someone up properly? Are you going to do everything I say?”

I nod. “Yes, Alpha.”

His eyes flare. “Ryann? ”

I step closer to him and look him in those beautiful blue-green eyes that I love so much. “I’m sure about this. I want to try it.”

“But you don’t want me to teach you, do you? Be honest or I’m not going forward. This requires trust, Ryann.”

I lick my lips. “No, not this time. I want to feel what you made me feel the first night we met. I want you to make me forget who I am.”

Raider smiles, and it’s deadly.

He walks around me, but I stand perfectly still. My nipples are hard peaks, and my breath is coming out in increasingly short pants. The touch of the cool rope has me flinching.

I close my eyes as his fingers graze across my back and then down to the curve of my ass.

I can feel the eyes of the pack boring in on us. Raider works quickly, tying my torso, each brush of his fingers has me winding up higher and higher. His fingers linger over the curve of my breast, and I look up, watching him.

He’s got this mask on, cool and professional, but I don’t think it’s as secure as I would have thought it would be. He ties the ropes so my breasts are on display, and when I look down; I love the way it looks.

I can feel myself slipping into a deep serenity, like floating in a pool of warm water. It’s a happy feeling but different from anything else I’ve experienced.

Raider starts on my arms, pulling them behind my back. Now I can’t move them. I feel a moment of panic that grows deeper and deeper. The pool fades away.

“Are you all right, Ryann?”

“Yes, I’m fine!” It’s almost a lie.

“Breathe with me. Everything is fine. You look beautiful, and nothing is going to happen.” His fingers brush over my collarbone, and I shiver. “Look at me, Ryann.”

I look up and lock eyes with him. I fall into blue-green oceans, the fear melts away, and the euphoria returns, leaving me feeling a whole lot of things that I don’t understand.

“Are you okay? Do we need to stop?”

I shake my head.

He hums and touches his lips, whisper soft, to my throat. I can’t move any part of me. All I can do is stand there while he runs his fingers over my skin as soft as butterfly wings. The slight burn and constriction of the ropes is more pleasure than pain.

I feel safe. It’s surprising and confusing, but I give myself up to it completely. I trust these alphas like I’ve trusted no one ever.

Raider grips my jaw and angles my head up.

I love him .

The feeling is so unexpected, so surprising, that I end up spending more time caught in it, analyzing it. Euphoric adoration. Calm devotion. Happy submission. I don’t have to choose. I don’t have to trust in myself or fix anything. I have no choice because I chose to give it to him, and that is freeing. No responsibility. No fear. I trust this alpha to take care of me. I can love him like this.

I’ve never felt like this.

“Sit, Ryann.”

I obey him instantly, and he runs his fingers over my scalp, and it feels so damn good that I almost purr.

Raider crouches in front of me, running his hands up and down my thighs in languid circles, and I moan piteously, wanting and needing more.

He changes the feeling, stokes with his touch, turns it from languid to a lapping beast.

I lean towards him, and he catches me, pulling me to his chest and murmuring something I can’t hear.

Someone cuts the ropes, and then I’m lifted into Raider’s arms, and we’re moving, moving upstairs.

He takes me into Kit and Callan’s bedroom and lays me on the bed before lying beside me and tucking me against his hard body.

“You did so good,” he murmurs.

The others come in and lay down as well, and a lie that I’ve been telling myself since I was sixteen rips away.

I’m not okay. I was never okay.

I’m scared and lonely, and I don’t want to run anymore.

And for the first time since my parents died, I admit I don’t want to be alone.