Page 2 of Borrowed

T hey told me it was either Tuesday or Thursday.

But it smelled like Sunday, and that was when he touched me the most.

They gave me a paper bracelet that itched, and I thought about the toothbrush I was not allowed to chew on. It was green like Toby’s eyes used to be…

When they weren’t full of fire.

When he still had a face.

Nurse Smiley.

Her name rhymes with pill…Jill or Hill or Kill. They walked too fast. Her footsteps sounded like static. I tried to step in between them so I didn’t glitch.

Toby hated it when I glitched.

“Left foot. Right foot. Good girl.”

His voice was inside the vents, wrapping around me like mist.

Behind my teeth.

Between my thighs.

I wanted to laugh, but it would sound like screaming.

We passed locked doors, plastic chairs, and smiling cartoon brains. Toby said it was all a joke.

He said, “I’m not broken, just his.”

A new doctor came by to greet me. This man didn’t smile. He looked at my feet, and I wondered if he saw the blood that I did.

Dr. Lin smelled like peppermints and metal.

“Why do you think you’re here?” he said.

I giggled. I didn’t mean to. It just slipped out.

Like the time I slipped my fingers inside its mouth and pulled them out.

“Because love hurts. Duh.”

Toby stroked my hair from behind. His fingers were cold today.

“Tell them, Zusje. Tell them you wear them to feel what they feel. To feel their love. Tell them how you love me even in pieces.”

But I shook my head.

Because they wouldn’t understand.

They never did.

Instead, I said, “When I wake up warm, it’s not blood, Dr Lin. It’s him. He fills me.”

Dr. Lin scribbled. The pen sounded like chewing. The lights hummed mean.

“Who does, Ms. Crowley?”

I looked at the desk and saw Toby’s smile in the reflection. We matched, but that was our secret.

Next, they showed me a room. I called it a coffin.

My roommate was Mila, the one who liked cats. She was quiet, or maybe dead. I tried not to stare.

Toby followed me in the reflection of the wall’s shadow, slinking around the bedframe like smoke.

“Undress, Sister. I want to see you shiver before you sleep.”

So I did.

I pressed my thighs together with the cool sheet between them and pretended it was his mouth.

I said his name too loud. And Mila cried in her dreams.

I smiled.

Poor Mila needed her kitties.

Toby’s hands made me squeak like my bunnies when I hugged them too hard.

Because when he touched me, everything made sense.

Even the screams.

Even the skin.

Even the love that slips through like honey on glass.

They think I’m sick. But I’m just in love.

The room’s got that sour breath smell—plastic mattresses, the closet that sounds like grandma. It’s just like the corner where the pills were crushed into applesauce, silence that was too thick to swallow. But I could still feel him, even through all that.

Toby was sitting on the small dresser, legs swinging like he was just a bored boy in Sunday school, but his eyes—his eyes burned through me like lit matches under the skin, under those bandages.

“Take it off,” he murmured. “You look too clean.”

I froze.

His voice curled under my ribs and hooked there. I glanced at Mila. Her breath was shallow, like she was dreaming of drowning.

Good. Let her stay in sleep.

Toby’s moans were mine for now.

“I said,” he drawled, sliding down from the dresser slowly. Like the cats Mila loved. “Take it off, Zusje. Now.”

I did.

Because I loved him.

Because he came back.

Because when his voice touched me, it felt like it was inside me…coiling, wrapping, feeding.

I pulled the shirt over my head. My nipples hardened in the cold air, and I shivered like he wanted.

“Mmm. Yes, just like that. There’s my good girl.”

I slid the pants down next, letting them pool around my ankles before stepping out of them like I was stepping out of the person they wanted me to be.

Quiet.

Obedient.

Fixed.

I’m none of those things.

Toby walked toward me, slow as a snake.

But snakes didn’t walk.

His fingers didn’t touch, but I felt him everywhere. Heat radiated between my thighs, and I felt the pressure in my chest.

“Let me see where you need me. Let me hear that heartbeat like your pitiful little rabbits.”

I closed my eyes and tilted my head.

“Spread just slightly.”

I knew what he meant. He wanted to see my pussy. He liked that kind of kitty.

My breath caught when I saw him on his knees beside my bed, kneeling. His hot whispers brushed just above my skin.

Where no one else sees.

Where I’m softest.

Where I’m his.

Behind me, Mila exhaled.

A twitch.

A shift.

Her blanket pulled tighter. I wondered if she dreamt of boys with voices like knives.

“You’re almost perfect,” Toby whispered, lips at my hip, his tongue licking at the red smudges on my fingertips. “But ink fades, Sister…Flesh doesn’t. ”

And that was when he told me what to do next.

When he dropped a pencil on my bed.

How to make it real.

But that part…

That comes later.

For now, I just stood there in my pretty panties that felt like flowers, lit by the blue night light in the corner, letting my twin stare at the body he said he owned.

And Mila?

She didn’t move.

I lay on my bed, the scratchy feeling making me itch. Home didn’t have itchy beds.

“I’m waiting,” Toby said, his grip resting on my knee, pulling my legs apart to see the mess he made of me.

I whimpered, feeling his tongue slip through his bandages to leave a trail across my skin. It was hot then cold. I wanted to feel it again.

“More T?—”

Toby’s finger pushed into my mouth, and I fell silent like the walls.

“No talking, Tabitha. Unless you want your friend to play with us?”

I blushed, my body getting hotter in my belly. I did want to play. I didn’t like cats, but I liked Mila’s body. She had pretty blonde hair that reminded me of gold. Her body was bigger than mine, and I wanted to taste her.

So much body to taste.

“You can’t wear her, Sister. But C’mon. Let’s play.”

Mila was asleep, drooling into the pillow beside me like the world didn’t ache.

Like she didn’t hear the whispers in the walls, Toby spoke through them.

Drowned the other voices.

I heard them all.

Toby was standing beside her, his scarred hands lightly brushing the gold strands through his fingers.

I wanted to touch. To see how soft the gold felt.

“Just like this, Sister,” Toby said, reaching for my hand and pressing it against Mila's smooth skin.

So pretty.

She moaned.

“That’s it. She likes it. ”

“She likes cats,” I said in a whisper that felt too loud to my ears.

Toby’s hand was sliding down the cover, moving it out of the way to where I could see the pretty panties she had on, too.

“Well, let’s pet her ‘kitty’ then,” Toby said, and I nodded eagerly. “Here she is. So pretty. Almost like you, Tabby.”

I moaned, letting my fingers feel her sticky heat. “I like kitties now, too, Mila.”

She groaned in her sleep, and Toby pushed my fingers inside her, covering her mouth with his own.

I loved seeing Toby moan. He was mine. He loved to play with me.

“Deeper, Sister,” he urged, his tongue caressing her lips like a feather.

He was hard in his dark pants. I wanted to touch him, but I didn’t want to lose the taste of Mila.

“You’re so pretty, Mila,” I said, sinking my fingers deeper, pumping them in and out like Toby’s tongue in her mouth.

We kept the same pace. Her body talked to us. She purred like the cats she loved.

“Fuuuck yes, Tabby. Faster. Make her come for us.”

I was panting, trying to be as quiet as I could. I needed to touch myself. I was dripping wet. My panties were soaked, just like Mila’s.

“Toby. I need you to touch me. Please. Mmm.”

Toby smiled, mean like the barn cat, as he shook his head no.

Now I growled, my fingers slamming into Mila and my mouth keeping her quiet. Toby was watching us, watching me swallow all of Mila’s screams.

She was too loud.

Too loud for my ears.

Too much pressure, too wet.

“Shhh,” I said, fucking her harder and faster with my fingers.

Toby smiled, watching and waiting. But Mila was too loud. She was going to make the nurse come inside, and then Toby would leave me. Playtime would be over.

“Wha—Tabby cat? Wha?—?”

No!

Mila’s pillow was beside her, and I grabbed it, pressing it down over her mouth.

To help her quiet the noise.

She was close to coming on my fingers, close to giving Toby what he wanted.

Her body wiggled, and my fingers were so fast I couldn’t see them anymore, but I heard Mila scream.

A small scream.

Not like the rabbits.

Her voice was pretty. Her come was warm, and it spilled onto my hands like a river of heat.

“Mmm. You are so good at playing with your toys, Zusje.”

I licked my lips, letting Toby kiss me to taste her sweetness.

“I like to play with you, Toby,” I said, pushing my fingers into the slit of bandages where his open mouth waited.

“Fucking play. Look at her. So quiet after coming all over her bed. Naughty girl. She needs to say, “Thank you. ”

I giggled, ignoring the cramp in my palm and the twinge in my wrist. Mila was quiet. She didn’t wiggle anymore. Coming was a lot for her. She must have gone back to sleep.

“Silly Mila. Fine. Playtime can wait. Good night, Mila cat.”