Page 15

Chapter Fifteen

The girls come home with me after we say goodbye to Joel. I’m glad Ava doesn’t have to go back to her emptier house right away, but I know she’ll have to face it eventually. I’ve been through it several times now, but when Bridget moved out, it left my wing of the house quiet and empty. I had a hard time adjusting.

My movements are sluggish, and it isn’t from walking up and down a million stairs. I’m struggling to stay engaged with my friends, and I’m battling against a misplaced sense of loss. The analogy is totally ridiculous, but I feel like I’m a cute summer blouse that was waving merrily in the breeze, drying on a clothesline, until someone tore me down, threw me to the ground, and jumped on me repeatedly. Now, I’m torn, stained, and discarded in the dirt. I don’t even think I’ve ever seen a clothesline in real life, so why do I feel like that exactly? I always thought I was a strong, confident person. Turns out I’ve just never had to face defeat before.

Because our muscles are sore from a day-long workout, we put on our swimsuits and sink into the hot tub. The jets are on and we’ve each found our favorite seat to settle into. We’re quiet for a long time, leaning our heads back, eyes closed. I keep picturing the look on Brent's face when he turned me down. Pinched lips, eyes squinted and looking at the ground. Why did he look like that? Did the thought of dating me turn his stomach?

I sink a little deeper into the water. The evening air is just cool enough to make the heated water tolerable. My body relaxes though my thoughts won’t quit spinning. I need to stop replaying that conversation. Each time Brent pops into my mind, I force myself to think of something else. The book I’m reading. The series I abandoned when I realized I could be reading romantic comedies. Ines’s wedding. Anything to distract me from the sorrow and sense of failure.

Finally, Ava breaks the silence even though she still looks asleep. “Thanks for helping today, you guys. I know you don’t really know Joel, so it was cool of you to pitch in like that.”

“It was harder work than I expected,” Bek says. “That was a lot of stairs.”

Ava groans. “I know. I’m so thankful for this jacuzzi, Sam.”

“Me too.” I moan. “Tomorrow’s gonna suck.”

“The day after will be the worse,” Bek says. “I don’t know how I’m going to be able to heft those huge bags of pet food at work.”

“Right?” Ava peeks through one eye and they grimace at each other. “Sam, are you okay? What happened with Brent?”

“What?” Bek sits up. “Something happened? When?”

“When you were in Joel’s room,” Ava says.

“Oh no.”

Bek’s concern makes me feel worse for some reason. I feel like a spoiled princess, but I’ve never been rejected before, and it’s discouraging to learn that I want to be a whiny baby about it instead of a bold warrior. It feels like I’m only a strong, confident female when things are going well for me. That’s disappointing.

I sigh and rub my face with wet hands. “I can never get a read on him when we’re talking. I finally got fed up and decided to just ask him out like I’ve done so many times before.”

“He said no?” Bek whispers.

I nod as I stare out across the yard. The swimming pool lights cast a serene blue glow into the landscaping. It looks so much calmer than I feel. When I look at my friends, Ava looks confused.

“I’m really sorry, Sam. I don’t understand why.”

“The last time I was at the bookstore, I thought we were finally starting to form a connection, so when I ran into him today, and we still got along, I thought it was as good a time as any to try to escalate things.” I shake my head and look out over the pool again. “I guess not.”

“Chris interrupted you guys, didn’t he? Did Brent seem to change his mind after that?” Ava asks.

I think back to when Chris inserted himself into the conversation. Did Brent’s attitude change afterward? “I don’t know. Like I said, Brent doesn’t really show his feelings.”

“Yeah, I guess you’re right.” Ava stares up toward the sky. “He never seemed perturbed with me, even when I almost burned the classroom down.”

Bek stares up at the night sky, too, like maybe one of us will find an answer spelled out in the stars. “I think you should ask him why.”

I blow out a puff of air. “That’s an awkward conversation. Especially since I’d have to go into the bookstore for no reason to initiate it.” The section of books labeled ROMANCE flashes in my head, and I realize I now have a legitimate reason to visit a bookstore.

“Remember, he doesn’t have to know if you have a reason to be there or not,” Bek reminds me. “Grab a magazine, order a coffee, and ask him if he said no because he has a girlfriend.”

My mouth hangs agape as I stare at my fairy-like friend. I see that Ava is staring too.

“Sometimes, Bek, you are so astute,” Ava says.

Bek lifts her head, and her gaze floats between the two of us. “And yet it surprises you every time.”

Ava chuckles nervously. “Yeah. Guess that’s rude. Sorry.”

“Yeah, sorry, Bek.” I grimace and let my head fall back against the jacuzzi. “I don’t know. Maybe I’ll just stay single for a while. It isn’t terrible spending Saturday night with you two.”

“You don’t miss dating?” Ava asks. “You always seem to enjoy it.”

“I do. But I’ve learned that I enjoy time to myself too.” A contented smile curves my lips and I close my eyes. “Being alone isn’t horrible.”

“Really? That seems so…” When Ava pauses, I crack an eye open to see what she’s going to say. “Uncharacteristic.”

I shift up in my seat and rest my arms along the edge of the hot tub. The night air cools my wet skin. “With Bridget gone now and you two working this summer, it’s really the first time I’ve had an opportunity to spend time alone. I guess…” I purse my lips, trying to figure out how to say what I feel. “I think maybe, I’ve always kept busy because it’s what my parents do. They either work or they’re out, basically. Their schedules are so booked that Ines needs to give them at least a two-week notice for all wedding-related appointments. And even then, they shift things around to fit it in.”

“That doesn’t surprise me,” Bek says. “Your parents are so rarely here.”

“I’m not positive,” I continue. “But I think that’s why I started my two-date rule. Keep things light. Never get too attached. Break it off before things get physical.” I shrug. “But I think I want more out of my time than that. I think I want to find a long-term relationship.”

Ava frowns. “Isn’t that what you’ve been looking for this whole time? I thought the two dates was to judge for compatibility.”

I think about my series of dates. Especially the most recent ones, and none of them had a hint of a personality that I would want to commit to long-term. I shake my head. “I don’t know when I stopped looking for someone I might want to date forever and started picking guys I knew would never make it past a second date. It became habit without me even knowing.”

I’m feeling overheated, whether from the water or the conversation, I’m not sure. I wade across the hot tub to sit on a taller seat. It’s actually the foot end of a built-in reclining seat, but it works well when I can’t handle being submerged in the steamy water anymore.

“Why don’t you just go back to looking for guys that have boyfriend potential, then?” Ava asks. She’s squinting like she knows there’s something more and she’s trying to dig it out of me.

I look up at the starlit sky. On a clear night like this, the endless darkness dotted by pinpricks of light makes me feel puny and insignificant. Even more so now that I feel shallow as well. I nod. That’s my problem. I feel shallow. I twist my lips in thought as I look between my friends. They’re totally focused on me. Both awaiting my response. Thank goodness for these two whose love won’t let me follow the spiral of thoughts my mind wants to send me on about how inconsequential I truly am. “I overheard David’s brother say something today that I didn’t like.”

The girls wait quietly for me to continue. I’m afraid to say it out loud. Like maybe my mentioning it will make my friends realize the truth about me that they’ve overlooked this whole time. They’ve never turned their backs on me before. Why would I worry about them suddenly abandoning me over a misunderstanding? My heart races with anticipation and I want to forget I brought it up and change the subject completely. I slip my hands under my thighs and lean forward so that my hair becomes a curtain around me. “He asked Joel if he was dating me. When Joel said no, he said he’d heard that I get around. The worst part was the gleam in his eye when he said it.” I swallow. “Like I’m a sure thing.”

I blink tears away before they can see them. My skin is flushed with heat, and I don’t think it is only because I’m sitting in a hot tub.

“What?” Ava sits up, sending a small wave across the hot tub. “What did Joel say?”

I glance at her and flash a tight smile. “He gallantly defended my honor. But the fact that some guy who graduated our freshman year has heard that about me, bothers me.”

“That’s just one guy, Sam.” Bek shakes her head. “One guy with a brother in our grade.”

I sigh. “I don’t know that it’s just one guy. I always thought that if I kept things rated PG, it would keep me safe, but now I’m beginning to wonder.”

“Has anyone ever treated you like they expected something from you?” Ava asks.

Seeing her hands curled into fists lets me release some of my own tension. Once again, she’s ready to fight for me. I wish I knew what direction to point her. But how do you fight rumors and embellished stories? “No. But I haven’t dated anyone from school for a while. That’s where rumors would circulate. Right?”

“I haven’t heard anything,” Bek says. “I could ask Sarah Wu.”

My eyes grow wide. “I don’t think I’m brave enough to know what the school gossip has heard about me! ”

Ava chuckles. “There’s no way I’d ever want to know either.”

“But thanks, Bek.” I smile at her. “I think I’ll just dissuade any further gossip by changing my ways. My one-two punch, as Ava refers to it, wasn’t working for me anyway.”

“Will you at least find out why Brent said no?” she asks.

“I don’t think I will.”

Ava opens her mouth, but then closes it when she sees the look in my eye.

“I think I’ll just make myself so available he’ll have to get to know me better.”

A slow grin spreads across Bek’s face and she nods in agreement.

Ava sits back against the jets again with a satisfied smirk. “To know you is to love you.”