Page 21 of Best Laid Plans

‘That’s not why I’m giving it to you. Mon Dieu!

It just means if your grant doesn’t come through you can keep working there until you find another source of funding.

’ His shoulders tensed as he folded his arms across his chest. ‘I wanted to do something to help you,’ he repeated, in the same tone he’d used with the receptionist on the very first night they’d met, when he’d made it clear how disgusted he was with the lack of service she’d provided.

‘I don’t want your money, Julien.’ This time the words came out loud and clear, thanks to a sudden surge of anger that came rushing up from the pit of her stomach.

He opened his mouth to speak, then looked away as if he’d thought better of it, frowning and shaking his head in confusion.

When he looked back, his expression was shuttered and a muscle flickered in his jaw.

‘Where is this coming from, Indigo? Hmm? Why are you so angry with me for wanting to help? Can’t you put your stubborn pride aside for a moment and let someone help you for once?’ He shook his head, his eyes narrowed. ‘I don’t understand. What is it you want from me?’

How could he ask that? Didn’t he know how she felt about him? Wasn’t it obvious? ‘I want you , you idiot!’

The silence after her outburst seemed to stretch on forever.

Finally, Julien closed his eyes and rubbed a hand over his face, letting out a long sigh.

‘When you turned up here, I thought you’d come back for me. Me , Julien!’ Her throat felt painfully tight as she fought back the tears. ‘But I guess that makes me the idiot!’ A sob broke loose, and she clasped a hand over her mouth to stop any more from escaping.

‘Indigo—’ His expression was full of regret now.

‘I just want the opportunity for us to get to know each other better.’ She took a deep calming breath, not wanting to give in to her emotions and ruin any chance she had of making herself heard. ‘To give a relationship a chance.’

He was shaking his head now, his eyes a little wild, as if she’d caught him in a trap and he couldn’t see any way to escape. ‘I can’t, Indigo. I’m not ready for that.’

‘So you’ll just let this amazing connection that we have go? You feel it too, right? Please tell me it’s not just me.’

There was another long silence where he stared at the ground. ‘It’s not just you,’ he said finally.

‘So why won’t you give it a chance?’

‘I can’t.’

‘What are you afraid of?’

He rubbed a hand over his face. ‘I’ve spent the last two years feeling like I was suffocating. I need my space – to begin to feel like I’ve got a grip on my life again.’

‘And you can’t do that and still have some space left for me?’

He spread his hands in mute apology. ‘No. I’m sorry.’ He gestured towards the envelope still clutched in her hand. ‘That’s the best I can do right now.’

‘Well, I don’t want it.’ She thrust it back towards him and after a second’s hesitation he took it from her.

From the intensity of his frown, she could tell that he wasn’t prepared to listen to any more of her entreaties.

She opened her mouth to try anyway, but he raised his hand to stop her.

‘I can’t ask you to wait for me, Indigo, because I don’t know when I’ll feel ready to have another serious relationship again – or if I’ll ever be ready for one.

And, after what happened with your ex, the last thing you need is to embark on something so precarious with someone like me.

I don’t want to have any part in corrupting that amazing positivity that you have.

I’m too bitter and messed up right now. I’d be a danger to you. ’

‘But you might feel differently one day?’ There was a pleading tone in her voice now that made her cringe inside.

‘ Oui , I might. But I can’t make that promise and it wouldn’t be fair to ask you to wait in the hope things would change for me. I need my freedom right now and you need something I can’t give you – stability. I’m sure the best person for you will walk into your life when you most need him to.’

‘You already did, Julien.’ Her voice broke on his name.

He shook his head and backed away from her, the expression in his eyes hard with determination. ‘Non, Indigo. I think you’re an amazing woman and at another time in my life maybe we could have had something really special, but not now.’

She moved towards him, desperate not to leave things this way between them. ‘You can’t beat yourself up forever because of one bad relationship.’

‘I’m sorry. I have nothing else to offer you right now.’ He held up the envelope, then dropped his hand again as if he felt frustrated to still be holding it.

The pause seemed to go on forever as she swallowed – again and again – forcing down the pain.

‘Okay then, go, if that’s what you think best,’ she finally managed to say.

He gave her one last nod, then turned and walked away, taking her very last hope for a future together with him.

She wanted to weep – for what could have been if only they’d met at another time.

How was it possible to feel like this for Julien after such a short amount of time? It seemed incredible that it was only a week since he’d come storming into her life with his reluctant heroism and inimitable strength.

But who you fell in love with wasn’t something you could control.

And she had fallen in love with him. Desperately and completely.

But now she had to let him go.

* * *

There was something very fitting about the rough assault of waves against his boat, Julien reflected as he fought to keep the vessel on course through a sudden and ferocious storm that had swept in without warning the following day.

It harmonised well with the raging confusion of emotions in his head.

This holiday was meant to punctuate a difficult and painful time in his life, to give him a definite end to the way it was then, but, to his utter frustration, it only seemed to have started a new chapter.

During his time with Indigo, he’d begun to sense a difference in himself. Somehow, she’d managed to pop the bubble that had been preventing him from feeling anything, bringing things into razor-sharp focus.

The flip side of that was that he now felt everything . So acutely it made his chest ache.

He spent the next couple of days after the storm taking mental breaths whilst gliding slowly through the now peaceful waters, sailing past the looming greatness of Vesuvius, then onward towards his final destination, Naples, where he was to leave the boat and board a plane back to Paris.

Back to reality.

Not that this holiday hadn’t been very real. In fact, it had probably ended up being more stressful than a week’s worth of work would have been, just for very different reasons.

Or, more precisely, one reason.

Not allowing himself to be with Indigo.

When he’d seen the look of appeal on her face, just before he’d turned away from her, he’d known in that split second what was causing the painful ache in his chest.

Love.

A fierce and irrepressible love for her.

It had shaken him to his core. Which was why he’d walked away and kept on walking until he was back on his boat, then back out to sea, putting a whole body of water between them.

He’d told himself at the time that he was leaving so she didn’t get hurt, but he knew he’d only hurt her more. He’d seen it in her eyes and in the slump of her shoulders – the grief for something that could have been so good.

Thinking about it now, he realised he’d treated her with a total lack of respect by trying to buy his absolution.

How could he have thought that the way to make her happy was to give her money? How crass and unthinking he’d been. He knew now he couldn’t buy her happiness or respect; he had to earn it with his actions, by giving her something of himself.

Which was a terrifying thought after what had happened with Celine. But then wasn’t that the point? Real love was never easy; it was complex and sticky and downright rough sometimes.

He knew now that he hadn’t been in love with Celine – in lust, sure – and he’d married her because he believed it was the right thing to do at the time. But the way he felt about Indigo wasn’t wrapped up in sex or lust or duty; it was based on how he felt about himself when he was with her.

She’d made him come alive.

In the dark hours of the night, tossing and turning as sleep eluded him, he pictured her back in London, filling her days working at the cafe, laughing and joking with her colleagues, then perhaps going on a date with a man she’d met, the sparkle returning to her eyes as he lavished the praise and attention on her that she deserved.

The thought of someone else taking care of her made his stomach lurch with anxiety.

Indigo would be fine without him because she was a fighter. It was one of the things he loved about her.

But would he be all right without her ?

Okay, so meeting Indigo right now wasn’t great timing, but then what in life ever really was?

And at least this time being with her would be his choice.

Fuelled by the fervour of his revelation, he quickly plotted a course that would get him to Naples ahead of schedule then picked up his phone, intent on getting himself out of Italy as fast as possible in order to set a new plan in motion.

He knew now that being here alone had been a pilgrimage to nothing. He’d thought he wanted his freedom – but it didn’t feel the way he’d thought it would. It felt empty. And silent. And lonely.

A Pyrrhic victory.

He’d thought he could go back to the way things used to be, before Celine, but trying to go backwards was a big mistake.

What he needed was a fresh start.

Finally, there was clarity in his mind. He missed Indigo. He loved her. He’d let her go.

And now he was going to get her back.