Page 22

By the time I’d woken up the next morning, Kroven was up and about, seemingly eager to get the hell out of D.C. After how the dinner had left him in emotional shambles, I couldn’t say I was surprised as I quickly got dressed and saw that he’d already packed all his things and was patiently waiting for me to do the same.

After a quick shower, I gathered all my things and we were leaving the beautiful confines of the hotel room and checking out. I still harbored an intense desire to know what the hell was behind Kroven’s outburst at dinner, and more so interested in learning what the hell had occurred between him and Exo, but I was playing the role of patient boyfriend even though the need to know was burning cyclones inside my head.

I’d never seen Kroven react so…vulnerably. Obviously I knew that he had a past considering he was over six hundred years old, but his interactions with Exo were quite recent in comparison. Did Kroven used to live in D.C. before settling in Piper? Did Exo have some type of tie to the community that Kroven had ended up leaving, one that probably still was the designated home of his parents? There was so much swirling within me that I was half-af raid something would seep out of my brain and through my mouth, but somehow I was keeping my trap shut.

“Do you want to grab something to eat?”

Kroven’s question threw me back into the present. We were waiting to get picked up by the car he’d ordered just outside of the hotel. It was starting to feel like all we did was wait for cars together.

“I’m not too hungry,” I said with a feeble smile, and I was suddenly glad that Kroven’s eyes had gone dark while we’d been sleeping. I didn’t want him to see the uneasy look on my face.

“Are you sure?” His tone oozed concern, and I knew he could probably feel my energy shifting without even needing to see what look my face wore. “We could grab something quick before heading to the plane if you’d like. Or we can sightsee if you’d prefer.”

His offer was genuine, but I could tell that he was putting on for me. It’d already been abundantly clear that Kroven wanted the hell out of D.C. And while I enjoyed seeing the blended atmosphere between humans and Orbs here, I hated the thought of Kroven having to bear any discomfort, even at my benefit.

In truth, I just wanted to go home to Piper too. I yearned for familiarity, especially after the awkward exchange at the restaurant last night. It was a palpable sort of discomfort that bled into the air and one had to stifle their own breathing to keep from letting it enter their lungs. I wanted to be as far away from that tension as possible.

“I’m sure,” I stated, curling up to him and holding on to his arm. “Let’s go home.”

A wave of relief rolled through him like a crashing wave, and his body eased as he crawled a hand over my back. “Sounds great.”

Soon enough, our car picked us up and took us back to the private little landing area that Kroven’s fellow Orb had brought us here in. Xoah was waiting for us outside the plane, smoking while he anticipated our return.

When we approached with our bags, Xoah gave us a lazy smile, and the smoke in the air told me that he was smoking a joint instead of a cigarette.

“Man, I love this city.” Xoah said before taking a huge drag. “You guys have a good time?”

“It was fine.” Kroven was short and sweet with his answer. He gave Xoah a nod. “Ready to go?”

“Oh, uh, sure.” Xoah took another huge hit and then tossed the joint to the cement before using his shoe to rub out its flame. Clearly he’d been hoping we’d either join him or we’d take our time boarding the plane. “Let’s hit the air!”

We all piled into the plane and Xoah departed for the cockpit per usual. When the door closed behind me, I watched as Kroven put up his luggage and went to the mini-fridge. I took my seat as he drained another one of those pre-packaged bottles of blood. The crimson vision was already clearing his stormy eyes by the time he sat down next to me.

He sighed, the preamble to what I hoped was a much longer conversation full of explanations he’d promised, but Xoah’s lurching into the air stopped all of that as he came over the intercom and said, “Sorry!” with so much comical earnest that I broke into a laugh. Kroven joined me, shaking his head at Xoah’s antics to always make a show of taking off. Once our laughter commenced and we were steadily soaring in the air, Kroven grabbed my hand.

“I’m really sorry about how I acted last night at dinner,” He started. “And I’m sorry that I’ve been all over the place emotionally. If you felt pressured to leave D.C., I promise I’ll make it up to you.”

“It’s okay.” I made sure to tell him that with my eyes, staring into the gorgeous red abyss and squeezing his hands for emphasis. “I just want to understand what it was all about.”

The turmoil was etched into every line of Kroven’s face as my words hit him, but he nodded and looked me in the eyes. I was surprised to find shame waiting for me when I looked back into them.

“I just don’t want you to hate me when you learn the truth.”

“Kroven, I’m not going to hate you, I—”

I had to stop myself. I almost blurted out that I loved him , and that was insane. We’d barely been dating that long and had only known each other for a little over a month. What scared me more than anything was that I was debating with myself over whether or not I actually did feel that way about him.

Man, I was fucked. And not in the way I had been twelve hours ago.

Setting that to the side, I rolled my shoulders and said, “You can tell me anything.”

This seemed to ease him a bit as he leaned back in his seat, looking past me to see the blue of the sky and the clouds we thrummed through. He still held onto my hand like a lifeline he was petrified to lose. All I had to do now was wait for him to finally explain.

“As I told you previously,” He began, sighing again. “After the sangamar were discovered and my former love Jargenne was killed for exposing the creature community during the rite of passage journey in Romania, I left our village.” He closed his eyes, as if he were picturing his past and wondering how to articulate it effectively. When he opened them, tears bubbled and I held my breath waiting for him to continue. “The sangamar village I was a part of was up in the mountains in Virginia. I was so lost and so fueled by my anger over what had happened to Jargenne and what it meant for all creatures going forward. Eventually, I found myself in D.C., lured to the city and the promise of a bigger population. I was hurting and…I wanted other people to hurt.”

He paused, and I felt my heart quickening. “It’s okay.” I reassured him, needing to know now more than ever what was plaguing him.

“There’s an exchange when a sangamar bites a human. The sangamar gets the benefit of the blood that they need to survive, but there’s more to it. When one of us sinks our teeth into human flesh, there’s a chemical reaction that’s released. An endorphin that makes both the sangamar and human feel indescribable pleasure.” He shook his head. “That’s why the blood centers were eventually erected. Because both sides can become addicted to the bite, at best. And at worst…the sangamar can lose control and drain the human of too much blood, killing them.” He sniffled, a tear finally cascading down his cheek. “That’s what happened to me. I was so driven by my desire to hurt others that I didn’t just hurt the humans I was feeding off of, Bas.” He looked into my eyes as fresh tears slid free from his eyes. “I was killing them.”

I gasped, but I shook my head to readjust any more potential reactions. “On purpose?”

“No, not at first. I just wanted to inflict physical pain on them, which was why I kept biting willing humans instead of getting my blood from animals or through the shadow markets that existed before the blood centers came to fruition. But when I accidentally killed my first human, I was already addicted to the bite. Thoughts of leaving my home and being without the man I thought I’d always have by my side clouded my judgment and I went on a…rampage through D.C.”

“How many humans did you…kill?”

A choked sob came out of Kroven. “The horrible part is I don’t know, not for sure. More than twenty, less than sixty, if I had to wage a guess.”

Sixty? Kroven had killed almost sixty humans? I tried not to recoil, but I must have done so without meaning to, because Kroven unfurled his hand from mine, and he threw back his head against his seat and sobbed.

“You hate me now, don’t you? You’re terrified.”

“Not terrified,” I combated. “Just…shocked. It’s a lot to take in.”

Kroven wiped his face with the back of his hand, a serious look suddenly on his face, stern and stoic. “I’d completely understand if you no longer wish to be with me.”

“Will you stop trying to push me away and finish telling your story?” I smiled, hoping to help him shed this coarse exterior he was putting on.

He held on to it like a life vest, but he softened enough to keep talking. “Exo found me on the streets by chance, after I’d drained a group of humans one night who wanted to experience the bite. I was strung out from the overflow of endorphins, and he brought me to his home.” He stifled another sob and kept on pushing, the strain to finish his tale evident by the veins on his neck becoming more prominent. “He was a stranger to me, and yet, he got me clean from the bite. I was a monster during the withdrawal. I don’t remember a lot, only knowing what Exo chose to share with me years later. But, eventually, I found my way back to myself. Exo even got me to drink nothing but animal blood for almost an entire year.”

“Can sangamar survive on just animal blood?” I’d never heard that sangamar could even drink animal blood the same way they could human blood. I thought it had to be human for it to sustain them.

“Survive is a loose way of putting it, but yes. We can, but we require more amounts of it than we do human blood. And for whatever reason, animal blood doesn’t restore our vision.”

Only human blood would give sangamar their vision? This was fascinating, and I would have normally been drilling Kroven to talk more about the properties of what made the sangamar work, but obviously it wasn’t the right time. He cleared his throat and went on to the finale of his story.

“That’s why I freaked out the other day in the shower when you asked about being bitten,” Kroven nodded. His reaction to my inquisitive plea fell into place like the ghost of a puzzle piece. “I don’t ever want to tempt fate by even initiating the bite again.”

“I totally understand.” And I did. A lot of what Kroven was talking about reminded me of hearing about recovering drug addicts and alcoholics. While I’d never experienced anything like he was describing, I felt like I had a handle on the gravity something like that could hold over someone. And how scary it must be to be constantly tempted by being with a human.

“Do you ever,” My curiosity got the better of me, my tongue unable to stop itself. “Feel compelled to…”

“Bite you?” Kroven’s tone dipped, and he grabbed both of my hands in his and shook them. “I swear to you, Bas. Everything between us has been the most real thing I’ve ever experienced. I don’t want you to ever doubt that the only reason I’d be interested in our relationship furthering is because I’m tempted to consume your blood.”

I hadn’t been that worried but it was equally good to know. “I know that what we’ve been feeling is real, Kroven. I promise.” I leaned over and kissed his cheek.

He finally smiled, finally dawning on me that he’d been wearing such a macabre facade since we’d woken up. It felt good to see a semblance of happiness restoring the curve in his lips again.

“It’s been almost twenty years since I’ve bitten a human, let alone done the unthinkable and killed one.” Kroven nodded, making sure I really understood. “I can’t take away the damage I’ve done, but I try and make up for it by constantly donating to food drives and helping fund homeless shelters and anything I can do to repay my debt to humankind. ”

“You don’t need to convince me of your character,” I assured him by kissing our conjoined hands. “I already know the type of person you are.”

“I just want you to really know how horrible I feel about my past and that I would never ever do that again. I would never put you in danger.”

“I’m not afraid.” I chuckled, but I shook our hands together. “But I hear you. And I appreciate you making sure I feel safe with you.”

The plane hit a patch of turbulence, which was an interesting little sign from the universe because while I felt safe with my creature boyfriend without hesitation, suddenly I didn’t feel so safe on the private plane.

“I’m sure we’re fine and Xoah is dealing with that.” Kroven scoffed. “And not a sign that you shouldn’t feel safe with me.”

I laughed that our ways of thinking were already becoming so similar and linearly woven together. “It’s all good.”

Kroven had told me a lot about his past in such a short amount of time, and he’d illustrated the history he’d had with Exo. But what little he’d gotten into, it didn’t explain why the fuck he’d been so angry with Exo. Like he’d mentioned at dinner, Exo had saved his life, weened him off of human blood and kept him from decimating more of D.C.’s population. What wasn’t he saying?

“Not to push my luck at the learning of the Kroven lore,” I paused to free my hands so I could rub his thigh through the white pants he’d plastered on this morning. “But what happened between Exo helping you through your withdrawal and you blowing up on him last night?”

He grunted, not liking the implication that Exo was innocent. I didn’t expect he was, but I had nothing more to go off of. “Remember how I mentioned that I had a ridiculous amount of wealth even though I didn’t work?” When I affirmed that I did remember, he added, “Well, during my hysteria, I was at least very calculated with who I chose to drain. I always would stake them out like prey.” He shuddered in disgust. “I sought out people who had very little family, or at least one’s that wouldn’t drop their lives to come investigating what happened to the ones I killed. And if they did, I hunted them down and made sure no one would care.”

“God, Kroven.”

“I know.” He agreed, and tears fell onto his cheeks again at the admittance. “It was like I wasn’t me. Or I was a different version of myself.” I soothed a pattern on his thigh, quietly telling him that I was still on his side. “But anyway, when I was coming out of my sobriety, if you want to call it that, Exo surprised me. We’d grown quite close, obviously, over the year I was recovering from my manic state. He told me that I was more than welcome to continue staying with him if I so chose, but he had a gift for me that would allow me to relocate to anywhere in the world that I wanted. To celebrate how far I’d come in winning the war against myself, Exo presented me with access to a bank account.” My eyes widened, hearing the final clicking of things coming into place. “It was an overwhelming amount of money. I questioned how the hell he’d gotten this money, because although his condo in D.C. was very lovely, I knew he rented it and worked in construction so things weren’t adding up.”

“He got the money from everyone that you’d killed?”

With a desperate sigh, Kroven nodded. “I was irate. I’d asked him to explain how he managed to clear their accounts to which he responded that I didn’t need to worry about it, that it was done. I told him to give it back, and he claimed there was no way to do that without raising suspicion. So after completely going off on him, I left. I kept the money, but like I mentioned, I shed a lot of it throughout the years, as often as I can.”

“And then you stumbled upon Piper?”

He nodded again. “I settled into the community, buying myself an apartment in the Orb part of town. Eventually, I started volunteering at local soup kitchens on the human side of town until there was a little bit too much animosity about Orbs being so integrated into human spaces. By chance one day, I ended up walking into an antique shop that Grey worked at and he was so charming and so open to Orbs that we struck up a friendship. Over the years, we stayed close friends and, well, you know how I got the house.”

Silence somersaulted around us, and Kroven took a chaste breath as he finished. It was definitely a lot to stomach, but at least I had the knowledge. Kroven had been through so much. Losing Jargenne, leaving his parents and their community, feeling so abandoned and like he didn’t belong. I understood how he’d wanted to make other people hurt to get rid of his own. There had been a part of me that had felt that way after my grandma died. She was the last family that I had, and it hurt to be alone without any support. That’s why Thayer meant so much to me.

But Kroven didn’t have anyone when he needed them most. He only had his pain and a need to rid himself of it. My heart hurt for him as much as it did for the people he’d killed. It was hard to weigh those against each other. Those people didn’t deserve to die simply because Kroven hadn’t been able to regulate what he’d gone through. But Kroven also didn’t deserve to be condemned for the rest of his life for it either.

Taking a deep breath, I turned Kroven’s face toward me, letting my palm caress the side of his hairless face. “I’m not going anywhere, okay? I’ll admit it’s a lot to digest, but I still care about you. Thank you for trusting me enough to tell me.”

New tears replaced the old ones on his face, one of them beading on the back of my hand as it slid along my knuckles. Kroven placed his hand over mine and leaned into my touch.

“I don’t deserve you.”

“You deserve a second chance to be better and that’s exactly what you’ve done.” I reiterated. “Look at me.” When he set his crimson irises opposite my blue ones, I nodded. “You’re not a monster. You’re my boyfriend.”

His face crumpled in on itself as he let out a sob, pulling me into a kiss in appreciation of my decency. When he pulled back, he ran a hand through my hair. “I promise I’ll never do anything to hurt you, Bas. I care too much about you.”

“I know you won’t.” I beamed, giddy from his touch. “How about we relax from the heaviness you just freed yourself from and watch some TV?”

“Only if we pick up where we left off on Sailor Moon,” Kroven agreed. “It’s actually quite good and I want to see more of it.”

Laughing at that, I positioned myself so I could lean my head on his shoulder as I set up the screen in front of us. I relaxed into the chair even more when Kroven leaned his head on mine, telling me that he knew that everything between us was going to be okay.