Page 46

We lost our last game before Christmas break 3–1.

It was another close game with a last second empty-net goal.

It’s not the way we wanted to end things before the holiday, but I’m not going to let it ruin my mood.

We now have a couple days off, and it’s exactly what we all need to rest and reset.

Most of the guys have family visiting town and they’ll be spending the next couple of days with them.

Lincoln and Katie are driving to Michigan together to spend Christmas with his aunt and uncle.

Apparently, she canceled her trip to Florida and wants to be with her family.

He hasn’t told me yet what prompted her to cancel or what caused her surprise trip to Green Bay, but I’m happy he’s been able to spend some time with her.

Hunter and the rest of the staff will fly out to Detroit the day after Christmas.

My flight to Detroit just landed and I’m feeling mixed emotions.

Even though I’ll see him in a few days, I’m going to miss Lincoln.

I find myself imagining what Christmas would be like spending it together.

Although I’ll be missing him, I’m excited to see my dad.

I’m looking forward to seeing my mom too, but I’m also nervous.

After learning everything about Lincoln’s past, it has made me reflect on my own quite a bit .

I’m lucky enough to have two parents who absolutely adore me, and yet I hold onto the past.

It prevents me from having a relationship with my mom and she didn’t even do anything wrong.

But, still, I put up these walls around me, keeping her at arm’s length.

I think it’s a combination of the fear of almost losing her and letting her down that holds me back.

I’m hoping to knock down some of the walls I’ve put in place, because if being with Lincoln has taught me anything, it’s that I can’t let my past dictate my future anymore.

I miss my mom and I don’t want to miss her anymore.

Especially when she hasn’t gone anywhere.

Luckily, I didn’t check any bags, so as soon as I’m off the plane I make my way down to the arrivals area where cars are waiting outside to pick up their loved ones.

As soon as I reach the bottom of the escalator, a huge smile spreads across my face.

My dad is standing just inside the automatic doors holding a sign that reads Coach Montgomery’s Biggest Fan!

His dirty blond hair has grown out more than usual, and he’s sporting more facial hair than I think I’ve ever seen him have.

His eyes light up and a smile spreads across his face the minute he spots me.

I all but sprint toward him before throwing my arms around his neck.

He’s even taller than Lincoln, so I’m up on my tiptoes, squeezing him with all my might.

He keeps hold of the sign but wraps his arms around me too, squeezing me as tight as he can.

“Hey, kiddo.”

It’s only two words but I nearly lose it because I’m hearing them in person.

God, I’ve missed him so much.

He kisses my cheek and then lets go.

He leans back to get a better look at me and a smile of his own matches mine.

“You look good, sweetie. God, I’ve missed you.”

We turn to head outside.

The cold air is a sucker punch.

Looking around, I don’t see his car waiting.

“I missed you too, dad. You look different.” He laughs and bumps his shoulder into mine.

“Where’s Mom?”

“I wanted to get here early and park so I could show off this awesome sign I made.” He holds up the sign to show it off, as if I didn’t already see it.

“With how cold it is and how far away I had to park, she didn’t want to be a burden. Those are her words, not mine. She could never be a burden, but the parking garage would’ve been a slight pain in the ass maneuvering her wheelchair with all the snow. She’s so excited to see you, kid.” A pang of guilt hits my chest but I push it down before it can consume me.

We make our way across the busy street, full of honking cars and airport attendants rushing them along as they wait for their loved ones.

My dad tells me he parked on the second floor so we opt to keep our bodies moving and take the stairs.

Against my protests, he grabs my small carry-on suitcase for me and we quickly find his Range Rover parked just outside the stairwell.

Once we’re inside, he turns on the car and I immediately turn the seat warmers on.

I’m hoping to thaw my frozen body out as soon as possible.

There isn’t much traffic exiting the parking garage, and before we know it, we’re on the freeway making our way toward home.

Home.

I can’t wait to be home.

It’s about a thirty-minute drive to our house, so we fill the silence by talking about our favorite thing: hockey.

We discuss tonight’s game, and I go over everything I wish I could’ve done differently.

Even when I was a player, I’d always reflect after the game and ask my coaches to send me the game tape so I could watch my shifts to identify what I could’ve done differently.

As a coach, I find myself taking the blame even more now.

It’s my job to lead these guys to victory, so when we come up short, I make it my mission to figure out why and where I could’ve improved .

My dad would always point out my positives and remind me that even if we are playing our best hockey, sometimes things just don’t go your way.

It’s been years since I’ve played, but he still does the same thing.

“You guys battled hard all game but Dallas got every lucky bounce. The hockey gods just weren’t on your side tonight.”

I hum, not wanting to beat a dead horse.

No matter what he says, I’ll still find flaws in my performance.

It’s something I’m working on, but bad habits are hard to break.

We pull off the exit which leads to our house, signaling that we’re about five minutes away from home.

My phone buzzes in my coat pocket.

Lincoln

Your flight landed almost an hour ago.

Did you make it home okay?

I huff a laugh under my breath.

This man continues to surprise me.

You stalking me now, Coach?

Three dots appear then disappear, and I impatiently wait for his reply with a goofy grin on my face.

Lincoln

Just wanted to know you made it home safely.

Butterflies take flight in my stomach at the sincerity of his words.

I don’t think a man has ever made me swoon like this before.

The only people who have ever worried about me that way are my parents and Sadie.

It’s hard to grasp the reality that Lincoln may care about me in the same way.

We’re just about to pull up our driveway.

What time are you and Katie heading out in the morning?

Lincoln

I’m hoping to be on the road by seven.

The weather is supposed to be perfect.

I’m anticipating having to make a couple pit stops.

We’ll be home in the afternoon sometime.

Drive safe.

Let me know when you make it home.

Good night

Lincoln

Good night, beautiful.

It was almost midnight by the time we got home last night, so I had no trouble falling asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow.

Thoughts of Lincoln consumed my dreams.

The smell of bacon wakes me from my blissful sleep.

Stretching my arms, I reach over to check my phone and see that it’s already past nine.

A message from Lincoln sits below the clock on my home screen and I swipe to read what it says.

Lincoln

Good morning, baby.

We’re about to head out.

I’ll text you when we stop.

Hope you have a good day with your parents.

The time stamp on the text reads 7:45 a.

m.

, which means with the time change they left even earlier than they planned.

I know he won’t be coming here, but the anticipation of having him in our hometown sends those damn butterflies flying again.

I feel like I’m thirteen again with my first crush.

I’m constantly thinking of him and wishing he were here with me.

It’s only been like twelve hours since I’ve seen him last, and I already want to see him again.

Pull it together, Montgomery.

Once I’ve rolled out of bed and put on some sweats, I follow my nose and head down the stairs hoping the delicious bacon I smell is ready.

A ten-foot Christmas tree sits in front of our large bay window in the living room, exquisitely decorated with oversized red and gold bulbs and gold lights.

The sight of it fills me with joy and brings a smile to my face.

I make it to the kitchen and see the excessive nutcracker collection lining the top of our kitchen cupboards, illuminated by lit up garland.

My dad is standing at the stove and my mom is sipping her coffee at the kitchen table.

I do my best to sneak in undetected, and it’s not until my hand reaches for a piece of bacon that they notice me.

A spatula smacks my hand just as I’m about to grab one.

“We’re going to eat as a family this morning, missy. Now say hello to your mom, she’s been up since six waiting for you.”

It warms my heart to hear that my mom has been up for hours waiting for me, especially with the strain on our relationship.

I grab a mug from the cupboard and pour myself a cup of coffee.

My favorite creamer is already out on the counter waiting for me.

I mix some in and make my way to the table.

Mom is at the head of the table where it’s easiest for her to sit in her wheelchair.

She sets her mug down as soon as she sees me.

She maneuvers her chair back before angling around the table and pushing toward me.

Eyes that match mine light up the moment she sees me.

Like my dad, she looks different too.

The changes in her are subtle, a little grayer at the roots of her golden, blonde hair, and maybe a new wrinkle that wasn’t there on her cheek when I last saw her over the summer.

As quickly as I can, I set my mug on the table and lean down toward her, ready for a hug.

She stretches her arms out, pulling me in for an embrace, and I let loose a breath, trying to calm the feelings that are bubbling to the surface.

My face is buried in her hair, but I don’t dare to move an inch while she holds me.

Emotion threatens to climb up my throat.

I push it down and will my voice to work before tears can fall.

“Hey, Momma.” It comes out as a whisper but she still doesn’t let go.

She starts to stroke my hair, and I think I hear her sniffle before she finally releases me.

Mom’s hands find mine and she holds them tight as she looks up at me in awe.

“Hello, my amazing daughter. Seeing you on TV doesn’t hold a candle to seeing you in person. I swear you’ve gotten even more beautiful.”

The compliment should warm my heart, but instead it makes me feel guilty.

How could I keep this woman at a distance when she is very clearly so proud of me?

I give her hands a squeeze before letting go and nodding at the table.

“Let’s eat.”

Dad brings the food to the table and the three of us eat our first meal together as a family in months.

For once, we don’t talk about hockey.

Instead, we talk about what else is going on outside of the rink.

I tell them all about Sadie, how she’s still struggling to find her footing in Green Bay.

They tell me about the new swimming class they’re taking together at the athletics center.

We fall into simple conversations that may seem surface level, but to me mean the world.

Being here with them, not worrying about if I’m letting them down, simply enjoying each other’s company, is something I didn’t know I was missing.

When my phone buzzes on the table in front of me, I turn it over to see that it’s Lincoln.

Lincoln

Just made it to Chicago.

Miss me yet?

Quickly, I type out a text back.

Says the man who stalked my flight last night.

The three dots appear on my screen when I hear my dad clear his throat.

I look up to see both my parents staring at me with smiles on their faces.

My eyes bounce between the two of them.

“What?”

They both laugh and shake their heads.

My mom is sitting with her elbows on the table, hands clasped under her chin.

She nods at my phone.

“Who’s making you smile this early in the morning?”

“I’m not smiling.” I put my phone face down before I’ve even had the chance to read Lincoln’s reply.

Dad scoots his chair back from the table and grabs my plate from in front of me.

“Nice try, kid. But you’re smiling so hard I can see the dimple on your left cheek.”

Instinctively, I wipe my cheek, as if I can wipe the dimple away.

My mom reaches out and grabs my other hand.

“I’d love to hear about him whenever you’re ready to tell me.”

Mom’s words are kind, but for some reason they feel like a dagger to the heart.

She’s trying to open up a dialogue.

She’s always tried to talk to me.

It’s only now that I’m realizing I was always the one to shut down.

She’s been trying the whole time.

She’s never given up on me.

Instead of shutting down and pushing her away, I put my other hand on top of hers and look her in the eyes.

“I’d like that. How about a game of cribbage while I tell you all about him?”

Her eyes light up.

My dad walks behind her to grab her plate.

He gives her shoulder a squeeze and smiles at me before walking back toward the sink.

There are tears in her eyes when she responds, “Cribbage sounds great.”

I throw my cards on the table in defeat.

“You’re about to skunk me again, Mom!”

We’re on our second game of cribbage and she’s kicking my ass.

Again.

She just got another sixteen points in her crib, while I’m over here getting four points each hand.

“Why don’t you tell me about who has you checking your phone every five minutes before I embarrass you again?”

The conversation between us has been surprisingly easy.

That’s probably because we haven’t really talked about much of anything besides how lucky her cards have been.

I grab the cards from the board and start shuffling them.

Nervous energy has made itself present, and instead of pacing, I choose to excessively shuffle the cards before diving into all things Lincoln.

My mom sits patiently, her cheek resting in her hand, as I continue to shuffle the cards.

“Well, I’m sure you know who Lincoln is…” I trail off, wondering how exactly I’m supposed to explain what’s happening between us.

She nods.

“I do. I seem to remember you hating him as a kid. I’m guessing things have changed?”

There’s no sarcasm or judgement in her voice.

It’s a simple question.

Only, I can’t seem to find a simple answer.

My hands continue to shuffle the cards and they go flying across the table.

I cuss under my breath and begin cleaning them up.

I’m reaching for the jack of spades when my mom’s hand stops me.

“Why don’t you leave the cards and tell me about him?”

The maternal kindness in her voice is like a soothing caress that eases some of my worries.

I take a deep breath and let it all out.

“Well, I did hate him. I still do sometimes. Actually, that’s not true. He drives me crazy, but I think I kind of like that about him? He’s kind and thoughtful, but also infuriating and sarcastic. He believes in me just as much as I believe in myself. He’s never once questioned my coaching abilities. I actually think he makes me a better coach. We work well together behind the bench. And we realized we might work well together outside of the rink too. I’m not sure exactly what you’d call us, but I want to spend all of my free time with him and he wants to spend all of his free time with me.”

I’m out of breath by the time I finish my babbling.

My mom’s hand doesn’t leave mine the entire time I’m talking.

She’s about to say something when my phone buzzes again on the table.

She laughs and finally releases my hand.

“Well, go ahead. Answer him.”

I reach across the cribbage board to grab my phone and there’s a text from Lincoln waiting for me.

Lincoln

Katie’s bladder is the size of a walnut.

Just stopped for a restroom break and she’s going to take a turn driving.

We’re about an hour outside of Kalamazoo.

I’m gonna close my eyes for a little bit.

Miss you, Montgomery.

The fact that he is keeping me updated and letting me know he’s thinking of me makes my heart pitter patter.

I can feel Mom’s eyes on me as I type out a text back.

Not even going to make me work for it?

You must be tired if you’re so willing to admit you miss me.

Lincoln

Fine, I take it back.

I miss you too.

Sweet dreams, Coach.

Mom stares at me in wonderment, but I choose to ignore the look.

I keep talking before I lose the courage to.

“That was him, he’s driving back with his cousin. They’re still a few hours out. ”

She simply nods her head, but a ghost of a smile still plays on her lips.

“It sounds like you really like him, Ellie. I don’t think I’ve ever seen you like this before.”

I push the unease that begins to creep up back down.

There’s no hiding the fact that I am so far gone for this man.

I won’t let the fear of the media finding out or losing him hold me back anymore.

“I do really like him, Mom. He doesn’t just make me a better coach; he makes me a better person.” My eyes fall to my hands that are fidgeting without the cards or phone in them.

I’m about to open up to my mom in a way I haven’t been able to since the accident.

I was so young I don’t think I’ve ever had to have a conversation like this with her before.

“How so?” Her voice is gentle and it has me picking my eyes back up to meet hers.

I may be nervous to let it all out, but it’s time.

It’s way past time to let her in.

Taking a deep breath, I tell my truth.

“Lincoln and I have opened up to each other in a way I never have with anyone before. He told me things about his past that were absolutely heartbreaking. It’s his story to tell, but it made me realize how lucky I am to have two parents who love me with all they have.”

I’m wringing my hands on top of the table as I talk, and my mom reaches over to place hers on top of mine again.

It gives me enough courage to keep going.

“Ever since your accident, I’ve been blaming myself.”

My mom straightens her back, ready to argue but I cut her off.

“Before you try to convince me it wasn’t my fault, I know. My therapist tells me all the time that it was no one’s fault. Logically, I get that. But I can’t help but think that if it wasn’t for my overbearing hockey schedule, you never would’ve been on the road. You lost your ability to walk and Dad gave up his dream. I’m the reason the two of you had to change your entire lives. It’s why I work my ass off and strive for perfection. If I let you down, what was it all for?”

Tears pool in my eyes at my confession but also because of the look on my mother’s face.

It looks like I just broke her heart.

She moves her chair closer to me and takes my face in her hands.

“My poor, sweet girl. What happened was a horrible accident. An accident , Ellie. It kills me to think you’ve been carrying this weight alone. You could give up your career today and I’d still be so damn proud of you. Your father made his choice because he wanted to. You don’t think we couldn’t afford to hire help? He didn’t want that. His love for me is greater than his love for the game. We are happy, Ellie. And all we want is for you to be happy too.”

I lean forward and do something I haven’t done since I was a child.

I let my mom hold me and cry.

My face is a mess and my mom’s shirt is drenched, but after about ten minutes of sobbing, I pull myself together and sit back up.

At some point, Dad must’ve heard me breaking down, because he’s sitting next to me on my other side.

I turn toward him and grab his hand so I’m holding both of theirs.

“I’m so sorry I put distance between us, Mom. I was so busy blaming myself and scared I might lose you again, I didn’t know what to do. I put walls up thinking I was protecting myself from further heartbreak, but it ended up keeping out the one person I needed the most. You.”

They both squeeze my hand a little tighter and lean in for a group hug.

My dad is the first to pull back but he keeps his arm around me.

“I may have been eavesdropping a tiny bit, so don’t yell at me. But, Ellie, you have to know I made my choice to retire because there was no other choice for me. You and your mother are my whole entire world. I’d do it again a million times. I have to know, though—the Olympics, your career…are those truly your dreams? Or did you think you had to pursue those things for us? ”

His question is one I’ve asked myself a thousand times.

Part of me has always wondered if I continued on this path because I felt guilty.

But then I lace up my skates and step on the ice, and I know it’s exactly where I’m meant to be.

“I’ve been dreaming of this for a long time. My motivations may have changed from time to time, but playing professionally and then being fortunate enough to coach in the NHL…” I shake my head because to this day, I still can’t believe this is my life.

“It’s everything I could’ve ever wanted.”