Page 10

Thank god it’s Friday.

It’s been three days since Ellie caught me at one of my most vulnerable moments.

No one has ever witnessed me during one of my breakdowns, and, of course, the first person to do so is Ellie.

I don’t need Ellie to know anything about me.

I especially don’t need her to think I am some weak, fragile man who can’t keep his shit together.

I’m her boss, for God’s sake.

After an emergency call to my therapist that night, I was able to get a decent night’s sleep with only one nightmare.

Nightmares are a rare thing these days.

Well, they were rare.

I’m not quite sure why they’re coming back.

But, if I have to guess, it’s because Ellie is back in my life.

Fucking great.

Not only is Ellie the reason my dad beat the shit out of me when I was a kid—well, not the only reason, obviously—but those beatings are the reason for my nightmares.

Those nightmares are back now that Ellie is in my life again.

What the hell am I supposed to do about that?

Something I’m going to have to work through with my therapist.

He is definitely getting his money’s worth, that’s for sure.

Ellie barely looked at me during our first players’ meeting on Wednesday.

Thankfully, it was only with the captains so it didn’t last too long.

We’ve pretty much avoided each other since then and that’s no way to run a hockey team.

Damn it.

I know I need to man up and have a conversation with her.

I was a total dick to her on the ice when she found me like that.

I lashed out and it wasn’t her fault.

If anything, I need to thank her.

When she started singing that ridiculous lullaby it distracted me so much, I was able to finally catch my breath.

Hell, it was so damn cute I almost laughed.

But instead, like the dickhead I am, I didn’t laugh.

I proceeded to make her feel like shit for helping me out.

I’m about to close my laptop and head to Ellie’s office to give her the apology she deserves when my phone rings.

I look down at my phone to see Katie is calling me.

I’ve avoided her since my breakdown on Tuesday, and she’ll just keep calling if I don’t answer.

With an exasperated exhale I answer.

“Yes, Katie?”

“Well, hello to you too, my dear cousin,” she says with such overexaggerated cheeriness I can’t help but smile.

She’s the only person who has ever been able to make me smile so easily.

Her voice is the calm I needed so I lean back in my chair and fall into conversation with my best friend.

“Hello, Katie, my annoyingly persistent cousin. How can I help you on this fine Friday?”

She immediately sees through my bullshit and calls me out.

“Don’t pretend this is a fine Friday. You’ve avoided my calls all week. I haven’t talked to you since Monday. I know we don’t talk on the phone every day, but you haven’t been texting me back either. Don’t make me fly out to Green Bay to kick your ass. You know I will. ”

The scary thing is, I know she will and I know she can actually kick my ass.

She may be a tiny, little thing, standing at barely five-foot-three, but she’s feisty.

It’s one of the many reasons I adore her so much.

I’ll never be able to thank her for everything she’s done for me.

Moving in with my aunt and uncle probably saved my life, but I think Katie had already done that a few times before, simply by being there for me.

I glance over toward my computer where a lone framed photo sits next to one of my succulents.

It’s a picture of Katie and me at my high school graduation.

Katie is a year younger, so I’m the only one in a cap and gown.

I look less than enthused to say the least.

Next to me though, Katie stands huddled close, her wavy, red hair cascading down so it falls almost to her elbow, with the biggest smile on her face.

Even though I may look grumpy, that was the first day I finally felt free.

That picture is a reminder of all the possibilities that stood before me.

I smile at the memory and focus on the phone call once more.

“I know. I know. I’m sorry. I had a rough day on Tuesday. I haven’t really talked to anyone except for my therapist since then. I’ll try to be better about at least sending you a text or two.”

She’s quiet for a moment.

“Did something happen?”

I contemplate how much I should tell her, but she knows every dark and twisted memory I have so there’s no point in keeping secrets now.

“Um, yeah. I had one of those little panic attacks on the ice Tuesday afternoon.”

Please don’t ask questions.

Please don’t ask questions.

“Oh shit. I’m sorry, Lincoln. Were you alone? Are you okay?”

Only two questions.

Could be worse.

“I’m all right. I was alone. Well, at least I thought I was. My assistant coach found me clinging to the boards, gasping for air.”

“Ew, that douchebag Grayson found you like that? That sounds horrible. ”

I chuckle.

“No, I wish it was Grayson. Ellie found me like that.”

Katie knows all about my dad and my history with Ellie.

After that horrible night when my dad knocked me out cold, Katie found me the next morning with a broken nose and two black eyes.

She came over because we usually walked to school together and I didn’t show.

I slowly began to confide in my cousin as I got older.

She was the only family I had, and I’d go to her house as often as I could to escape my father.

I think I was thirteen when she first saw the lashes on my back from my dad’s belt.

She’s a persistent little thing and threatened to tell her parents if I didn’t tell her what was going on.

So I did.

I told her everything.

Katie started crying and then she hugged me for what felt like eternity.

I made her promise not to tell her parents what was going on.

I didn’t know what would happen if I lost my dad too.

He was a monster, but I didn’t want to end up in foster care.

I had hockey and that was enough to get me through the hell that was my father.

I couldn’t lose both my parents and hockey.

I told Katie as much and she was confused.

I remember her asking, “But, doesn’t your dad hit you because of hockey?”

It was a valid question.

My father did hit me after hockey games, but he also hit me in the morning if I was too loud getting ready for school.

He hit me after school if I got in the way of the TV.

My dad seemed to hit me for no reason at all, except for the fact that he was an asshole who drank too much.

After my mom left us, I was his only target.

It seemed as I got older, he got angrier.

Thanks, Mom.

Once I explained all of that to Katie, she reluctantly agreed to not tell her parents.

That all changed when she found me with a broken nose.

Katie broke her promise and told her parents everything.

It turned out okay, though.

I ended up moving in with her, and her parents after my dad was arrested.

In retrospect, it was probably the best thing to ever come from all that.

Katie’s voice is soft when she speaks again.

“What did she do? What did you do?”

I groan.

“She sang me a song and then I ripped her a new asshole.”

She gasps.

“Ew, Lincoln. That visual is not one I needed. But what do you mean? You were rude to her? What the hell is the matter with you? And don’t think I didn’t hear the other thing. We’ll come back to the singing.”

A low chuckle escapes my lips thinking about that god-awful singing again.

“ Lincoln! ” Katie scolds me for laughing.

“Look, Katie, it wasn’t my best moment. I’m not proud of it. I was just…embarrassed. It’s embarrassing for my assistant coach to see me anything less than professional. It’s especially embarrassing that it was Ellie who found me that way.”

Katie is quiet again before she speaks.

“I know, Lincoln. You two have bad blood between you. Just hear me out…have you ever thought about what it’s like to be in her shoes?”

I start to argue with her but she’s not having it.

“Before you try to defend yourself, listen. Ellie is triggering your nightmares. I get that. Truly, I do. I’ve seen the scars. Literally and figuratively. But she hasn’t. She has absolutely no idea that she’s intertwined with your battle wounds. I’m sure she has zero clue as to why you actually hate her so much. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. You really have no reason to hate that woman. It’s not her fault your dad was an abusive asshole.”

She’s right.

I know she’s right.

Which just makes me feel even worse.

“You and my therapist both like to remind me of that.”

Katie laughs.

“Well, we’re both brilliant therapists, so that tracks.”

I pinch the bridge of my nose and try to end this conversation before it becomes an entire therapy session.

I have my own therapist for that.

“I know you’re both right, but please leave the therapy to my own therapist. I appreciate you putting me in my place and I appreciate you being here for me, but I gotta work this shit out on my own. Being around her again is stirring up shit in me that I thought was long ago buried.”

Katie doesn’t say anything at first, and for a minute I think I might’ve gone too far.

Thankfully her voice breaks through my worries.

“It makes sense, Lincoln. Just don’t let those memories control you. You’re stronger than that. You’re better than that. Ellie also deserves better than that. You have to work together if you’re going to do your job.” She states what I already know in my head.

We have to be able to be around each other if we’re going to turn this team around.

“Thanks, Katie. I hear you. I love you.”

“I love you too, ya big idiot.”

She hangs up the phone, and I’m left pondering my next move.

How can I apologize to Ellie without revealing my deepest, darkest secrets?

I know she deserves an apology, but I’m not quite ready to let anyone in just yet.