Page 41 of Beautifully Ruined

But I’m also not letting bad things dictate my life.

I’m already aware that apart from my crashed out, adrenaline-drained sleep the other night, sleep is hard.

When darkness comes, so do the memories, the reliving. And my stomach lurches.

I close my eyes, and that cold of the cement seeps in. The soft, lost voice of the girl returns.

And good sleep? Real sleep? It’s only there when Cade wraps himself around me and holds me close.

Or maybe I just like him that much.

“It’s a morning thing, and I might meet Lia for lunch. I’m not going to ask if it’s okay, because I’m not asking for permission. I’m letting you know.”

He looks at me, and it’s like The Ghost has appeared and taken over. The unseen. A mask.

I don’t know what he’s thinking as he blandly watches me a few moments. Then he nods. “Let me know when you’re ready to go. I’ll walk you to the subway.”

The thrill that he listened to me makes me jump up and throw my arms around him.

I pepper his face with kisses. “Thank you.”

“Go shower. I’ll be in the kitchen.” He heads out as I can’t help but watch his retreat, the tight ass in his jeans.

He looks good. No matter what he wears.

The bruises are still there, obviously, but he’s not going to scar, although… The man would own a scar.

What am I thinking? I don’t want him hurt. I just think I’d like him no matter what.

I wait for the panic to set in as I turn on the shower, but it doesn’t. There’s just warmth inside me.

I’m not sure if I should be full of angst, of doubt, of…something other than this warmth and euphoria when I see him, think of him.

It’s new, like this love that’s washing through me.

I strip off and get in the hot shower, letting the water hit me, holding my face to it like I’m washing away all confusion and worry over Jean as I get ready for another day. Let myself be cleansed by the inevitable pull to Cade, and the warmth he sets off inside me.

Or maybe it’s everything that’s happened, or perhaps I’m just so used to convincing myself life was good with Jack, I’m not used to this.

It could also be trauma bonding. But that doesn’t sound right.

I shampoo my hair, massaging my scalp.

I wasn’t traumatized when I met Cade. And I wasn’t traumatized when The Ghost started contacting me.

Maybe lust glazed? Maybe turned on in new ways that tore me a little between the two sides of Cade.

I know I should be mad at him. Madder than I’ve been. Because even with omission, he lied to me. About who The Ghost was, who he is.

Rinsing my hair, I apply conditioner.

Then again, he’s the same man. Two sides, one for my fantasies and the other for real life. Real life that’s a different set of things. Not fantasy, but elevated from the day-to-day with anyone else.

I let the water wash away the conditioner and then I get out of the shower.

I’m not sure The Ghost thing is anything more than two people with the same dark desires coming together and then finding they’re more than compatible in real life.

They’re attracted to each other.