Page 59

DAVINA

The sun was setting, and I had a cool glass of much-needed wine in hand. There was a cool, soothing breeze going, causing the wind chimes to collide.

Mama was sitting in one of the chairs, I occupied the other, and Octavia had joined us. She was sitting on the ottoman for my chair.

She and Octavia talked about Aromantic while I scrolled through my phone. As I was reading a few of the comments on the GOC page, a text notification popped up from Tish, and I tapped it. I refrained from rolling my eyes as I clicked the link.

The headline was:

DEKE BISHOP’S FIRST GAME A BIG LETDOWN

Oh boy. Really? It was obvious she wanted me to feel worse, as if I didn’t feel bad enough. She wasn’t in support of me leaving while he was sleeping, but when I explained how I felt and that I’d had a panic attack, she understood.

I darkened the screen of my phone, took a sip of wine, then climbed out of the chair to use the bathroom. Abe was sitting on the couch in fresh clothes, the scent of his citrusy bodywash filling half the room.

His phone was in his hand, and though the volume was low, I could hear people speaking. When they said a familiar name, I stopped in the hallway to listen.

“I’m sorry, Doug. I know you like the guy, but he’s starting a brand-new season with weak attempts. Bishop claimed he had intense training over the summer, but I gotta tell ya. I’m not seeing it! He lost control of the ball four times in the span of thirty minutes, and he was eight for twenty, which is the lowest I’ve ever seen for this guy, even when he was in college.”

“Yeah, Deke Bishop normally brings the heat, but all I saw were ice-cold bricks,” another said.

The commentators laughed together, and that’s when I hurried into the bathroom.

Of course, when I emerged, I could still hear them.

“It’s not looking good for him. The Ravens signed him for one of their biggest contracts yet, and I bet they’re regretting it.”

“Yikes,” one of them said. “All I know is if Bishop doesn’t get his head in the game, the Ravens aren’t going to send him packing. They’re going to send him flying .” To make matters worse, a bird cawed at the end of their chat.

Good Lord. Deke was right. They did talk a lot of shit.

I went back to my seat on the porch, pulling my phone out again and searching for highlights from Deke’s game. Seeing him pop up on my screen caused a wrenching in my chest.

I watched one clip, where he let the ball slip out of his hands, followed by another, where he took a shot and missed. Right after missing, he turned away, with his head shaking in defeat and his hands low on his hips.

There was another of him dropping the ball, which resulted in a turnover.

There was a close-up of him bent over, hands on his knees, eyes ahead, sweat dripping from his forehead to the tip of his nose. He was looking around the stadium like he was searching for something. Or someone .

Nothing could beat the last clip I saw, where Deke missed the buzzer shot, walked toward the chairs, and kicked one so hard it flew back and slammed into the rails. Right after, he walked to the locker rooms with his head down. Apparently, he was fined for that.

I turned my phone on its face and swallowed. This was my fault.

“You know I lost your grandma right around the time I met your daddy, right?” Mama asked with a lazy smile. She was talking to Octavia, but the question caught my ear.

“Wait, what? I didn’t know that,” I said.

“Oh yeah!” She sat higher in her chair. “We met when I had a job at the blood bank. He was smitten.” She chuckled. “The day he came in was about three or so days after my mom passed, and I was so upset. I didn’t want to work, but I had to, because I needed money. All he wanted was to make me smile, and he accomplished it. He made me feel better in a lot of ways, even though I didn’t really want to be with him—or anyone for that matter.” She tapped her chin. “Yeah, after meeting him, I sort of spiraled. And I could never figure out why he stuck around when all I cared about was drinking and partying and hanging with my girls. There was a point where I was flat-out telling him to leave, because he could do better than me. I mean, really? He was such a nice, handsome man. He didn’t need to waste his time on me.”

Wow. That sounds awfully familiar.

“Sounds like somebody was a bitch.” Octavia snickered into her glass.

Mama picked up something next to her and threw it at my sister, and I busted out laughing when I realized it was a gardening glove.

“ Anyway ... I was not so wise then. I should’ve loved him properly while I had the chance.”

My heart ached a little hearing that. I remembered all the times my dad put in effort for Mama, only for her to brush it off or pretend it was no big deal. There were women who craved the kind of love and attention he poured on her. She never seemed to care, though ... but she did take advantage of it. I didn’t want to be like that.

“I’m going to make a sandwich,” Octavia said, already standing and heading for the door.

“Bring me a water!” Mama called.

When the door clicked shut, I put my attention on Mama again. “I feel guilty about a situation similar to what you went through with Daddy.”

Her brows dipped. “How do you mean?”

“There’s this guy I’ve been working with who’s been giving me a lot of his attention. He’s so sweet and funny, but ... I’m rejecting him.” I paused, rubbing the rim of my wineglass. “I guess I feel the same as you did. Like he deserves better. Plus, it feels too soon after Lew to even think about going that deep with anyone else. It just progressed so fast, and it completely blindsided me when I thought about it.”

Mama scanned me with her eyes, before setting her wineglass down and scooching to the end of the cushioned chair. “Who is this guy you’re talking about?”

I glanced at her. “His name is Deke.”

“Well, what does he look like?”

“Why does that matter?” I asked, cracking a smile.

“Girl, it matters a whole lot! What does he look like? I need to see who has you all torn up! I knew something else was wrong when you first walked into the house.”

I choked on a laugh as I unlocked my phone and went to Deke’s Instagram. I clicked on one of his recent pictures, where he was at a charity function at the recreational center he owned, and handed the phone to her.

She looked down at the screen the way older people tend to do, with their chins tipped and their eyes pointed downward. “That is one fine-looking man.”

I threw my head back to laugh. “Mama!”

“What? He is!” she said with a guilty smile. She handed the phone back to me and crossed her legs in the chair. “Do you wanna know one of the things I regret most in my life so far?” she asked after a stretch of silence.

“What?”

“Not having the courage to love your daddy back. I held back from him because I knew he deserved better and figured one day he’d see that and he’d walk away. But when he passed, I was heartbroken all over again, and I started looking for that love anywhere I could find it. But what I really wanted was to pour that love back into your daddy. I took such a beautiful soul for granted. If I had the chance to do it all over again, I would love him so much he couldn’t stand me.” She wore a soft smile, and I couldn’t help smiling with her, though my heart ached.

“I guess what I’m trying to say is you shouldn’t hold back based on how you feel about yourself, Davina, because at the end of the day we are our own worst critics. We’re hardest on ourselves and only see the flaws when all another person sees is the beauty.”

“Yeah,” I murmured, dropping my head.

“And don’t take this the wrong way, honey, but Lew was sick for a long time, and deep down, you knew the day when you lost him would come. You knew he’d have to go.” She swept me up in her gaze while I bit back tears. “The only difference between my situation and yours is that you had time to prepare for the worst. To accept it. But if this Deke fellow likes you the way you say he does and if you like him, why not go there? Why not try a deeper level before denying it? You have to ask yourself, what’s stopping you?”

I sniffled and wiped at my nose. “I’m scared,” I whispered as a tear crept down my cheek.

“Of what, sweetie?”

“Of him seeing the real me. Of him taking the short end of the stick because of my loss. Of having him pick up all those broken pieces and trying to mend them just to make me happy. He doesn’t need someone so damaged. He needs someone good. Someone healed . He’s such an amazing person, and I’ll only drag him down.”

“Oh, honey. Love always comes with the good and bad.” She walked across the porch and sat on the ottoman near me. Clasping my hands in hers, she said, “I don’t think that’s fear you’re feeling. That’s just a test of your faith. You know what you need to do. All you have to do is gain the courage to take that step again, and you’re there, baby. And whatever happens, happens. I know it was easy to think ahead when you were with Lew. You were looking for solutions and only wanted the best for your future, but in a situation like you have now, you can’t look ahead and you definitely shouldn’t look back. You can only focus on what or who is in front of you at this present moment. Does this unexpected man make you laugh? Does he make you feel like yourself? Does he comfort you relentlessly, unconditionally? Do you ever feel judged by him? Does he understand you, even at your lowest? Is he patient even when you feel like he’s sick and tired of you?”

With each question she asked, all I could think about were the last few months I’d spent with Deke.

Yes, he made me laugh.

Yes, he made me feel like myself.

Yes, he comforted me relentlessly. Unconditionally.

No, he never, ever judged me for the way I cried at the fountain around goose shit or even when I ran away from him on the rooftop. He understood me during my low points, held me at the lake house and refused to let go ... but I did. Like an idiot, I let him go.

And most of all, through every single strife, every tear, every disappointment, every dumb or rude remark from me, he remained patient. Not once did he waver.

“Oh, God.” What have I done? I cupped my mouth as hot tears gathered on my cheeks. Everything Mama said was true. I peered up at her, this woman full of wisdom and reason. “Wow. Who knew a woman who used to get lit for a living could have such great advice?” I said, and she reeled me in for a hug so I could hiccup a laugh into her chest.

“That’s what happens when you get to be my age. You live and you learn, and most of that knowledge was gained the hard way.” She pulled back to swipe a stray tear from my cheek. “If that man loves you, let him love you , Vina. Don’t deny yourself something good just because you think you don’t deserve it.”

“I won’t,” I whispered, and I never would again.

The screen door creaked open, and I looked back as Octavia and Abe walked out the door.

“Again, Mama?” Octavia garbled out around a mouthful of sandwich.

“Hey, Davina, I want Deke Bishop’s signature,” Abe said, completely disregarding my sister and pushing past her. “You said you work with him, so you can get it. He had a bad game last night, but we all have bad games and bad days. I still think he’s a good player. Can you get it?”

I smiled at my little brother, taking his hand and giving it a squeeze. I knew what I had to do, and it was time to lower my guard once and for all and get my man back.

“When I make things up to him, I’ll be sure to get his signature and more just for you, Abe.”