Page 7 of Banter & Blushes #1

CADE

W ith an equal mixture of excitement and trepidation, I pull into a parking spot right in front of Plot Twists and Perfect Matches.

If Grandad’s darn trust fund ultimatum wasn’t staring me in the face—and my attorney wasn’t reminding me of it every day, I would never resort to a matchmaking service.

I’m rather content to concentrate on my business, date on occasion, and not get too serious about settling down.

However, I’m not willing to forfeit several million dollars, so I straighten my shoulders and stride into Luna’s shop.

The air is filled with another soothing instrumental musical number, along with the distinctive aroma of lavender, but the beautiful shopkeeper is nowhere to be seen.

Wandering around the store, I thumb through a stack of the latest bestsellers, ponder purchasing a soy candle shaped like a conch shell, and read an informational sign about which essential oils are recommended for different ailments.

Why couldn’t that elderly customer have read the sign rather than take all of Luna’s attention last time?

“You’re here!” Luna says in a breathless voice as she appears from the back room carrying a tray of those brownies. My mouth waters even though I know I’ll have to wash them down with a cup of tea rather than coffee.

“Do you need any help?” I ask as she struggles to open the bakery case with one hand while balancing the tray on her hip. There’s a couple touch-and-go moments when I’m not sure whether the brownies will end up in the case or on the floor.

“Nope! I’ve got it,” Luna says as she wrestles the door open, then plops the tray none-too-gently into the glass-fronted case.

“Would you like a brownie before we get started? I believe I owe you one, along with a nice oolong tea.” Her eyes lock with mine, and I have to tear my eyes away to not get lost in them.

Instead I take in her outfit: another brightly colored flowy skirt paired with a figure-hugging top. My heart rate kicks up a notch.

I swallow and try to remember what she asked me. Right. Brownies. Knowing all the other activities on my busy schedule today, I don’t have time to dawdle over brownies and tea. “Can I snack while I fill out the matchmaking form?” Multitasking seems like the best way to fit in a tasty treat.

“Of course,” she says, all business. “Let’s get you started on the questionnaire, then I’ll bring over your brownies and tea.”

I follow her to the opposite side of the room, realizing that she’s wearing yet another pair of Chuck Taylors, this time in purple and black. Where does she get all these brightly colored styles from?

Luna marches up to a laptop sitting on a small café table and wiggles her finger on the mouse, waking up the machine. “Please complete all twenty-eight questions, no skipping any,” she says in a no-nonsense tone.

With only twenty-eight questions, I’m sure I’ll crank through them in a few minutes. How difficult can they be?

“I’ll be back in a minute with the food.” Her flowy skirt sways as she walks away, and I succumb to watching those enticing hips sashay back and forth until she’s out of sight.

Settling myself in front of the computer, I read the directions then start answering questions. The first several are straightforward, and I answer those without hesitation.

What are your top three must-have qualities in a partner? I select ambition, loyalty, and honesty. My ideal woman needs to be career-driven but also loyal to me (no dalliances on the side). Even if we don’t spend a lot of time together, I expect her to be faithful to our marriage vows.

Which of the following best describes your ideal weekend? Debating between exploring the outdoors and working on personal projects or hobbies, I select the latter, amending it in my mind to be working on business-related projects. That’s not cheating, is it?

“How’s it going? Any questions?”

I jump at Luna’s interruption, not having seen her approach. She slides a white ceramic mug holding steaming water and a tea bag, plus a matching ceramic plate containing two brownies, towards me.

“Two questions down, twenty-six to go,” I tease. She smiles briefly as I snag a brownie and take a big bite. The gooey chocolate goodness hits my taste buds just right, although I do wish I had a cup of strong coffee to go with it .

“I’ll leave you to it,” she says as the bells jingle to announce another customer. I hear her address the new client as my focus returns to the screen.

Twenty-five minutes later, my eyes are blurry, I feel a headache coming on, and I’ve skipped several questions. Thank goodness this isn’t a timed test because I’d flunk.

Though they’re sanctioned by the National Association of Matchmakers (as the questionnaire says in bold print at the top of the screen), I can’t help but wonder who came up with these wacky questions.

I suspect a beautiful brunette who loves to wear colorful Chuck Taylors had a hand in them, but I keep my opinion to myself.

Groaning, I take another bite of brownie and return to the questions I skipped.

Which fictional character would you most want as a best friend?

I debated the list for five full minutes the first time before giving up.

I simply couldn’t decide between Buddy the Elf, SpongeBob SquarePants, a kid from Harry Potter, and someone named Hello Kitty.

Do they allow write-in candidates? Moving on.

If you were stranded on a desert island, which of these random items would you want to have with you? The list provided contains only useless items that wouldn’t help with my survival. Who needs a supply of bubble wrap, a pet rock, or a karaoke machine in your time of trouble? Moving on.

Thankfully this time I’m able to answer the question about my stance on spontaneity. When I initially read the question, I debated between coming across as too regimented. But who doesn’t prefer routines and having things planned out well in advance? Done!

Next question asks about my preferred level of communication in a relationship. Although it might make me sound a teeny bit standoffish, I believe that “checking in as needed and respecting each other’s space” is the obvious logical answer. Done!

The remaining questions taunt me. There’s no way a logical person would select any of these crazy answers. My leg jiggles as I reread the questions over and over. Maybe I should just close my eyes and make a selection?

“Almost done?” Luna returns to check on me, and a flush of embarrassment crawls up my neck when my eye catches the clock hanging on the wall behind the register. I’ve been at this for forty-four minutes?

I exhale loudly, grateful that she doesn’t mention how long I’m taking. “Are write-in answers accepted?” I ask, pointing and frowning at the screen.

A laugh escapes, but she covers it with a cough. “Are you unable to select from the choices provided?” she asks as her shoulders shake.

“Are you laughing at me?” I whine.

“Maybe?”

I throw her a scowl meant to dissuade anymore mirth. She reacts by clapping her hand over her mouth and giggling.

“Well, I don’t know how anyone in their right mind can answer some of these!” I huff .

“Which one is tripping you up?” she rasps, still trying to control the laughter.

“Here, this one,” I snipe, pointing to the odious question. “If you could have any useless superpower, which would it be?”

“Ooh, that one is tricky.”

“Tricky? It’s ridiculous if you ask me. I mean, who cares if you can untangle Christmas tree lights with a single pull?”

“That skill would come in very handy if you store your lights like I do,” she replies in a deadpan voice.

I grunt.

“But, Cade, you already excel at one of those.”

“Which one?” I ask, squinting intently at the screen.

“The superpower to find a parking spot right in front of a business,” she replies, then points through the front window at my cherry red Porsche.

My eyes go wide. “You’re right!” I shout as I select that answer.

“See, you just have to go with your first instinct. Don’t over debate the answers.” She waltzes away as if she’s given me an insider tip to completing this absurd survey.

Deciding to go with the flow, I quickly select that kitty as my best friend since I’m an animal lover and the karaoke machine for the desert island. At least I’ll be able to entertain myself while stranded.

My spirits lift when I realize there’s only one more question to go.

Chewing on my fingernail, I debate the answers, saying each one out loud and trying to imagine my mom calling me any of these.

After five minutes, I choose Sir Snacks-a-Lot as my secret nickname over Captain Cuddles or Duke Doodlebug.

Slamming the laptop shut, I stand and go in search of Luna, finding her beside the crystal jewelry display. Thrusting the computer into her hands, I say, “I look forward to my first match.”

“I’ll get back to you in a day or two,” she shouts at my retreating back.

I wave over my shoulder as I hurry out to my car, feeling guilty for taking so much of my morning on romantic matchmaking instead of real estate matchmaking. At this point, I hold very little hope that Luna is going to find my perfect woman based on that ridiculous questionnaire.

Grinning that I do apparently possess one useless superpower, I hop into my car parked right outside her shop and drive away.