Page 22 of Banter & Blushes #1
brO ADVICE THAT COULD GET ME ARRESTED
LUCA
I had been standing in the kitchen for at least ten minutes, trying to look busy so I could avoid the one person I really didn’t want to talk to right now.
But no matter how many knives I pretended to sharpen, or how many pans I set on the stove like I was preparing for some kind of culinary symphony, I knew I was eventually going to have to face Joe .
Joe was my best friend. He was also my worst friend when it came to matters of the heart.
The man had an opinion on everything , especially my romantic life—or, more accurately, the shocking lack thereof.
He was always quick to remind me that if I wasn’t making some kind of bold, life-altering move toward true love , then I was wasting my time.
Or, at least, that’s what he told me every time I saw him, which was about twice a week—whether I liked it or not.
"Hey, Luca! My dude!" Joe’s voice rang out from the doorway, followed by the unmistakable sound of sneakers slapping against tile. “I’m here. I’ve been thinking about you.”
I closed my eyes and sighed. “Oh, God. No. Please, Joe, I really don’t need relationship advice right now.”
Joe strolled into the kitchen with all the swagger of a man who thought he was the expert on romance, despite the fact that his dating history could be best described as a collection of catastrophic failures.
At 41, the man had literally once tried to ‘win’ a girl back by showing up to her job with an entire pizza— then proceeded to eat the whole thing himself before she even got off her shift.
And somehow, in his mind, this was “a bold move.”
“What’s wrong?” he asked, as if he didn’t already know. “You’re brooding again, man. What’s going on with you and that girl you’ve been talking to? What was her name? Becky ?”
I froze, caught completely off guard. “How in the world do you even know her name?”
He shrugged, grinning. “I’m a man of mystery . I know things. Like, I know you’ve been hanging out with her all afternoon. And from the looks of it, you’re very into her. Your kitchen’s been a little extra spicy today. And I’m not talking about the chili flakes.”
So, stalking. Right. I rolled my eyes. “Joe, what are you even talking about? I tripped over my own feet and broke, like, a thousand plates. That’s not exactly spicy . It’s more like... disaster .”
He waved me off like I was being ridiculous. Of course, I was. And once Joe got on your scent… “Yeah, yeah, whatever. Look, the real question is: What’s stopping you from going all in on this? You’re clearly into her, right?”
I blinked. “Well, I... uh, yeah. I mean, I guess. But I’m not sure I’m the best guy for her.”
Joe dramatically placed a hand on his chest, feigning shock. “What? You, Luca? Not good enough? Come on, man. You’re a chef —you’ve got the skills, the looks, the charm. What’s the deal? Are you worried she’s going to run off because you’re a little younger than her? Is that what this is?”
I winced. Of course he noticed. “I don’t know. I mean, yeah, she might feel a little weird. She’s a little older, and... I don’t know. Maybe she’s looking for someone a little more... mature .”
How Joe managed to uncover my vulnerabilities, I would never understand.
It was as if he had an instinct for it, and the impact was instant.
While Rebecca was here, I felt confident, able to keep her engaged.
But now that she was gone, I was left alone with my thoughts, and a creeping sense of doubt.
“Pfft,” Joe said, swatting at the air like my concerns were nothing but smoke.
“She’s just a woman looking for a guy who knows how to cook a decent meal and doesn’t trip over his own feet every two seconds the way she does.
You’re way ahead of the game. Honestly, I think you’re underestimating yourself.
This is the perfect opportunity to swoop in and make it happen. ”
I stared at him, trying to process the idiocy that was unfolding before me.
“Swoop in? Make it happen ? Joe, I’m not exactly just going to go over there, grab her and tell her we’re a thing now.
Things like this take planning. She’s got her own life, her own job back home.
And I know that you know she’s not from around here.
I can’t just tell her to throw everything away for a guy she’s only met. I can’t just?—”
Joe cut me off with an exaggerated gesture, his hand splayed like he was imparting some kind of ancient wisdom.
“Plans, Luca. Always with the plans. You know what real plans are? They’re for people who are scared to live.
Spontaneity —that’s the key to romance. The key to love.
The key to... whatever this thing is you’ve got going on with Becky. ”
I didn’t like the way he was using the nickname I had in mind. It was as if he truly was ahead of whatever was happening between me and her.
“Spontaneity?” I repeated, eyebrows raised. “You’re literally the least spontaneous person I know. You have a calendar for everything .”
He probably has one for all my whereabouts.
Joe waved his hands like he was shooing away my concerns.
“Details, details. Look, all I’m saying is that you need to take a leap.
If you’re feeling it, do it. You can’t let fear stop you from going after what you want.
You don’t want to be sitting around in 10 years thinking, ‘Man, I should’ve asked her out when I had the chance.
’ You know what you’ll regret? Not making a move. That’s what you’ll regret.”
There was a sting of truth in what he was saying, and it felt like a thorn digging into my side in that moment.
“Joe, I’m not going to... ask her out on a whim,” I said, shaking my head. “It’s not that simple. Plus, we already kind of… fell into getting drinks together. Let’s not push it.”
“Oh, trust me, it is,” he said, grinning like a man who had cracked the code of the universe.
“You need a bold move . Maybe, I don’t know, bring her a surprise dish at her place after drinks?
Maybe something you know will blow her mind, like, I don’t know, a crazy fusion of two cuisines?
Like... Italian-Mexican fusion? You know what I’m talking about.
Just imagine—lasagna tacos. Boom . She won’t know what hit her. ”
“Lasagna tacos?” I repeated, slightly aghast. “You want me to show up at her place with... lasagna tacos?”
“Exactly!” Joe said, smirking, knowing full well what he was doing to my mentality.
“Think about it. She’ll be so impressed by your creativity.
You won’t just be a chef. You’ll be a genius .
And she’ll be so blown away by the lasagna tacos that she won’t be able to resist you.
It’ll be magic . Romance. Gourmet love . ”
I stood there, staring at him in disbelief, struggling to comprehend that he actually believed himself.
How did we even end up as friends? It was a mystery I still couldn't solve. He was the last person I would’ve imagined sticking around this long, yet here we were.
“Joe, that sounds like a recipe for disaster —both in the kitchen and in my love life. Lasagna tacos are not the way to win a woman’s heart. ”
“Fine,” he said, throwing his hands up in the air like I’d just rejected the most brilliant idea ever. “You’re being all practical and predictable. Maybe that’s your problem—no one ever accused you of being spontaneous . You’ve got to do something bold. Surprise her.”
I sighed, rubbing my temples. “I’m not trying to surprise her, Joe. I’m just trying not to make a fool of myself.”
“Well,” Joe said, winking, “that ship sailed a while ago, my friend.”
I groaned. “Great. So now I’ve got to make an impressive move, but also not be a total disaster, and meanwhile, I’m supposed to just... act like I’m not having a mini crisis about the fact that she’s probably overthinking about being older than me? Perfect.”
Joe slapped me on the back. “Hey, man, you’ve got this. Just keep doing your thing. And remember—lasagna tacos.”
I stared at him in utter disbelief. “I’m going to pretend you didn’t just say that.”
“Sure, sure,” he said, grinning like he’d won. “But when you show up at her place with your fusion masterpiece , don’t forget who gave you the idea.”
I continued to stare at him, shaking my head. “I’m so screwed.”
Joe just laughed, patting me on the shoulder. “Nah, you’re gonna do great, man. Just be bold. And maybe skip the lasagna tacos.”
“Yeah,” I muttered under my breath. “I’ll stick to my actual skills. Thanks , Joe.”