Page 20 of Avalanche (Endless Winter #3)

“It was probably a shock, that’s all,” Seth offers.

“He’ll come round to the idea of you and Antoine getting married.

He’ll see… he’s got to see that it’s not like it changes anything.

It’s just a piece of paper…” he trails off, and I wonder if it’s just as uncomfortable for him to say those words as it is for me to hear them.

Just a piece of paper.

Until today, getting married to these guys never entered my head at all.

Truth be told, getting married in general isn’t something I’ve really considered.

Not that I’m against the concept. Just that it seemed like something someone else would do.

Someone older, someone more settled who owned a house and a car and worked a nine-to-five job in an office and took the time to do her hair and make-up every morning.

Not someone barely making ends meet working as a snowboard instructor.

Marriage is something my parents would have wanted for me, like law school.

Just a piece of paper.

That’s exactly what it is. I’m just helping Antoine claim his inheritance, nothing more.

“And Liam?” I ask, thinking of how silent Liam was when Antoine explained to us what it was he needed. How thin and brittle his voice was when he did speak. The way those grey eyes looked like storm clouds set to burst. “Do you think he’ll be okay with it?”

“They’ll work it out,” Seth assures me. He drags his palm down the length of my spine, then settles his hand on the dip of my waist. “I’m sure they talked about it last night, after they went to bed.”

I hum in agreement. There had been a tense awkwardness between the pair of them all through dinner, but that hadn’t stopped Liam from taking Antoine’s hand and pulling him down the hallway to the room they share. And it hadn’t stopped Antoine from following.

“Eddie will be fine. Obviously.” I feel the shape of Seth’s smile against the top of my head, and find myself grinning back despite myself. “He would have married Antoine himself if that would have done the trick.”

“True,” I laugh, the sound brittle in my tear strained throat. “He totally would have.”

“The real question is,” Seth pulls back to brush a kiss against my forehead, “are you okay with it?”

I blink in surprise at his question, my lips parting around a wordless answer.

“You’re the one offering to marry Antoine to help him claim his inheritance,” Seth continues.

“It’s just a piece of paper, but it’s still a big deal.

What if you want to marry someone else later?

What if you meet someone and fall in love and decide to get married and then you’ve got this hanging over you, stopping you?

A marriage isn’t something you can just get out of overnight, you know. ”

Meet someone else?

My stomach tightens at his words, at the implication of them.

That one day, I’ll grow up, grow out of what the six of us have now, and want to marry someone else.

Like what I’m doing now is just a life experience, a temporary rebellion, like refusing to do law school or running off to teach snowboarding.

“I’ve already met someone else. Several someone else’s, actually.”

He huffs out a laugh at my response. “You know what I mean.”

I frown into the darkness. Yes, I do know what he means. And I don’t like it.

“I don’t want someone else,” I tell him irritably. “I want you. I want them. I want all of us together. This— this isn’t some phase for me. I don’t want to marry some other imaginary person. If I was going to get married for real, I’d…”

I freeze, swallowing back the words ready to tumble out between us. If I was going to get married for real, I’d want to marry you. I’d want to marry all of you.

But that’s crazy. No one marries five people. It doesn’t happen. It’s not even legally possible. Even if it was, I’m almost certain none of us are ready for that.

“I want to marry Antoine,” I tell him instead. “I want to do this for him. Like you said, it’s just a piece of paper. It’s not a big deal.”

“Okay,” Seth murmurs, but I can tell he doesn’t quite believe me.

I’m not sure I quite believe me either.

“Lily, are you listening?”

Tessa’s voice cuts through the haze of my thoughts, sharp as sunlight, just in time for me to see the rock jutting out in the snow in front of me.

“Fuck,” I squawk, the words muffled in the collar of my coat.

The world around me comes into focus, everything slowing down, sharpening.

My body moves before I can think, knees pulling up, breath whooshing out of me as I flick the nose of my board up, the camber popping me off the snow like a spring.

The rock moves beneath me, the jagged tip of it trailing across the base of my board as if protesting my narrow escape.

The world speeds up again, reality jolting through my bones as I hit the ice-crusted snow, muscles burning as I try to absorb the landing, then pull myself into a turn.

“Shit,” I hiss, when the edge of my board skids dangerously against the bottom of a mogul. “Shit, shit, shit.”

Tessa is laughing behind me, the sound light as fresh powder. I can’t help but smile at the sound of it, even as my heart thunders its wild, panicked rhythm in my chest.

“What was that?” Tessa chortles. “Did you just ollie over that rock, you nut? Didn’t want to just ride around it, like a normal person?”

I scrub at my cheeks with cold mittens, feeling the strain of my smile against my goggles. “I don’t know,” I lament. “I didn’t see it.”

I pull to a stop near the tree line at the edge of the run, dropping to my knees as I try to catch my breath. Tessa pulls in above me, sitting effortlessly with her board in front of her, a bemused smile on her face.

“How did you not see that?” she asks. “It’s like the size of a wombat. And it’s been there all season.”

“A wombat,” I echo with amusement. “Do those often wander up the ski resorts in Australia?”

She waves one gloved hand dismissively. “A dog then. A small child. Whatever.”

My smile only spreads. She narrows her eyes at me through her goggles.

“You’ve been on a different planet all afternoon,” she accuses.

My smile fades.

I’d left this morning without speaking to any of the guys.

They’d all had the day off, except for Seth, so none of them had been up when I’d left for work.

It probably didn’t help that I’d crept about the condo with all the stealth of an errant teenager sneaking out in the middle of the night—a skill I’d honed under my parents’ roof.

I’d barely been able to focus on teaching though, so when Tessa messaged and asked if I wanted to train, I’d backlined even though I need the money.

“Is something going on with you and Liam?” She asks. “Do I need to kick some ass?”

I bark out a mirthless laugh, my gaze dropping to the snow gathered along the sharp edge of Tessa’s board. To her boots, worn from a couple seasons of hard use. To her bindings, newly purchased at the start of this season when her last ones snapped mid-lesson.

“No.” My breath clouds in front of me, the air cold under the shade of snow laden pines. “But it’s good to know I’ve got someone to do my dirty work.” I try to keep my tone light, joking, but the words sound brittle when they leave my lips.

“Lily.”

That one word—it’s a warning, a reprimand, but also a promise. I look up to see her lifting her goggles to her helmet, fixing me with those sharp blue eyes. My breath catches in my throat, the longing to tell her everything settling over my bones, draping me in exhaustion.

I told Jackie, and she didn’t hate me. Seth told his parents, and they accepted it. Maybe… maybe…

“I’m actually not just dating Liam…” I begin.

I feel like I’ve slipped out of my body, like I’m hovering above us, watching myself through the eyes of a third person.

Silly little Lily, who’s managed to get herself tangled up in a complicated situationship once again. Silly little Lily, clinging to her friend like a lifeline, desperate for approval, terrified of rejection, of making anyone unhappy.

“I’m dating all of them.”

I stare at her boots, at her bent knees, at the gloves gripping the edge of her board. But I still hear the startled intake of breath, the snow crunching beneath her as she jolts in surprise.

“Liam, Antoine, Matty, Eddie and Seth,” I continue.

It sounds insane said out loud, those five names rattled off like a checklist. But it’s not like that at all. They aren’t some list, some collection that is only mine. They’re each other’s too. And I’m theirs.

Silence rests between us, hanging heavy as snow on the tips of the pines above us. A threatening weight ready to slip at any moment.

“Okay…” Tessa stretches her gloved hands over her knees, clears her throat. “That’s… um… wow.”

Maybe it’s the relief of finally telling her, or the unfiltered honesty of her reaction, but a laugh bursts out of me, a madly desperate sounding thing.

I press my mittens to my lips in an effort to hold it back, but it ruptures behind my ribs, scraping my throat, making tears sharpen behind my eyes.

“I mean, that’s great,” Tessa adds hurriedly, her voice pitched with forced cheerfulness. “Super. I’m really happy for you…” Her words rise at the end like a question.

Another laugh chortles out of me and I look up to meet her gaze with alarm. She’s staring back at me, eyes wide and blue as the sky behind her.

“All five of them? Seriously?”

I hum in agreement, not trusting my voice to speak.

“Okay.” She gives a decisive nod, her lips pressing together with determination. “Yeah. Okay. Well. So, you guys are like, polyamorous or whatever?”

She frowns as she says it, like someone trying out a vocabulary word in context for the first time.

Polyamorous. Polyamorous.

I let the word settle over me, let it echo in the silence where my answer should be.

I think we should have an open relationship.

That’s what Steve had said to me, when I was freshly eighteen and traipsing after him with the round-eyed adoration of someone new to love.