Page 57 of At First Smile
CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE
Gone
Pen
T he clack of GB’s nails against the hardwood as he follows Rowan out echoes as the front door snicks shut. Now, the house is quiet, other than the thump of my heart.
Rowan’s words and his fresh scent lingers in the air.
A plush dog bed, tucked in the living room’s corner, lies empty except for a discarded chew toy.
Just a few steps from the bed is a bookshelf filled with Aunt Bea’s books and framed pictures from our many adventures. They’re all gone, but still here.
Is he right? The same emptiness that had engulfed me after Aunt Bea died swirls around me. She wasn’t my world, but the person that navigated it with me. Since her death, the thought of traversing it with anyone else wasn’t a reality, until Rowan.
This isn’t goodbye with Rowan. A breakup over a single fight is silly. If that happens, we have no business being in a relationship with anyone, let alone with each other. Still, I know this is more than just a single fight. It isn’t a lone squall in an otherwise calm sea.
Pressed against the wall, I slide down to the floor. Its coolness caresses the backs of my bare legs. I bend my knees and bury my face on them.
A loud knock halts the storm of tears. Dashing them away, I rise. My pulse thuds as I run to the door.
“Ro—”
“Hi, honey.”
“Mom?” My brow wrinkles. “What are you doing here?”
“We said we’d talk this weekend.”
I gape. “On the phone.”
She makes a dismissive gesture. “Plus, we said the next step was a trip. Charlie’s with me, but I sent him to explore the neighborhood, so we could chat.”
In nine years, she’s never been here. Not for any of my graduations. Not for Aunt Bea’s funeral. Not even for a random vacation.
“May I come in?” Her tone is tentative but hopeful.
Without fully processing that she’s at my door, I step aside and motion her in. “I assumed when you said a trip, it would be something we’d plan, together.”
She stands in the foyer and shifts from foot to foot. “I didn’t want to wait to rebuild with you. It’s already been too long. Also, there was a tiny bit of me worried that chat this weekend wouldn’t happen, so I?—”
“Decided you knew what was best for me again.” My mouth purses.
“This is the behavior that you’ve been talking about.” She rubs at her temples.
“It is… I know you mean well, but you can’t just decide what’s best for me, for us. This isn’t the relationship I want with you.”
The irony of my words isn’t lost on me. In this argument, I am Rowan, which means in the other I was my mother.
She steps closer. “But you do want a relationship with me?”
“That’s all I’ve ever wanted… But not one like this.”
“What kind do you want?”
“One where we’re a team. Like what I had with Aunt Bea and what I want with Rowan.” My voice cracks with the ache that twinges in my chest.
“I want that too.” She wrings her hands.
“We can’t just want that kind of relationship. We have to make it, together.”
“Alright. How do we start?” Hope fills her question.
“We talk. We ask each other what we want, and we actually listen… Me included.” Hot tears roll down my cheeks, knowing this is what Rowan wants. For us to be a team, but instead I pushed him away.
“Honey, I’m so sorry, please don’t cry…” She places her hands on my shoulders.
“It’s not you.” I swipe at my face.
“Is it this?” She reaches and grasps my right arm. “Are you in a lot of pain? This looks bad.”
“It’s fine.” I pull my arm away.
She raises her hands. “I know… I know, you don’t need anyone’s help.” Her words push into me like a dagger.
“I do need people,” I croak.
“We all need people, the right people,” Mom says, a shake in her voice.
My gaze meets hers.
“I know I haven’t been the right people for…well most of your life.”
“Mom.”
“It’s true. I push what I think is best for you without considering your wants. I am sorry for that, but I’m a parent. I’ll always want the best. Please know that my desire for your eyesight to be fixed doesn’t mean I think you need to be fixed.”
“What if I’m fine with my vision as it is?”
“That’s what you want? What you need?”
“Yes.”
She heaves a long sigh. “Then I’ll stop.”
"Thank you.”
Her arms wrap around me, pulling me into a tight hug.
A sweet lavender scent from her perfume and the soothing strokes of her palms against my back eased the tension spooled tight in my muscles.
Today is the first step of many. I don’t doubt a future of missteps and wrong turns, but for the first time ever I’m hopeful that we’re in this together.
After a few moments, I pull away. Both of us are swiping at our faces.
"Knock, knock,” Charlie greets us, slipping through the still open front door.
“I thought you were going to grab a coffee in town?” Mom twists to face him.
Charlie pats his back pocket. “Hard to do when my wallet is still in your purse.”
"If you’d use that fanny pack I bought you, this wouldn’t keep happening,” she tuts with a cheeky lilt as she digs into her bag.
He tips his head to me. “Hey, Pen.”
“Hey, Charlie.” I wave.
“Whose black BMW X5 M is parked in your driveway?” He lets out an impressed whistle. “It’s a beauty.”
“Rowan’s.” My eyes drag to the ajar front door. “Wait, his car is still here?”
Grabbing my cane, I slip past Charlie, my pulse roaring, and run down the two short steps. Rowan’s SUV remains parked in the driveway.
“He’s not gone,” I murmur to myself.
“Is everything okay?” Mom calls from where she stands by the front door.
“Yes and no,” I breathe.
“What happened?” Her sandals slap against the brick steps as she descends.
That familiar impulse to deal with this on my own ignites, but I snuff it out. The path I’ll traverse with my mother and the one I want with Rowan means pushing past the fear that told me to do it on my own.
“We may be more alike than I thought.” I blow out a hard breath. “Like you I did what I thought was best for him.”
She nods.
“All he wants is for us to be a team, but I pushed him away because I’m scared to need him, to depend on him.” My admission is quiet and shaky.
Her arms envelop my shoulders. “I was the same way after your dad died. It took three more husbands until I figured it out. When you truly love someone it’s the most vulnerable you’ll ever be and it’s scary as hell.”
“That it is.”
“Also, vulnerability isn’t your comfort zone.” She leans her head against mine.
“It sure isn’t.” I close my eyes.
“Does the fear ever go away?”
A sharp laugh huffs out of her. “No. You just learn how to embrace it and how to share it. The right partner doesn’t make it easier, but holds your hand when you do hard things.”
A loud bark draws our attention. Lifting my head from my mother’s shoulder, I pivot. GB scampers down the sidewalk with Rowan behind, his steps are slow and hesitant. Then he stops. At this distance, the sun’s glare and his cap hide his expression.
“What do you want, honey?”
My pulse roars. “For Rowan to hold my hand.”
Mom pats my bicep. “I’ll be inside.”
“Rowan!” I call, running towards the gate between my walkway and the sidewalk.
Before I’m able to open the gate, he’s there.
Tongue lagging, GB jumps up, his front legs resting on the gate’s top.
“Down, GB,” Rowan commands, gently tugging him down before he swings open the gate.
“I’m so sorry.” Leaning my cane against the gate, I fling myself into his arms, encircling his nape.
“You were right. I was scared. I’m still scared.
But I’d rather be scared with you than without you.
To face these things together. I want to be a team with you, a real one.
You take care of me, and I take care of you.
” I almost pant it all out as if I’m running a sprint.
In so many ways, I am. I’m sprinting towards what I want, who I want.
“I’m scared too, but I can face anything as long as I have you at my side.”
“I love you.” My fingers trail up and skim across his smile.
“I love you too. For the record, I don’t like arguing with you.”
“Ditto.” I laugh.
“Whatever you want to do about the job is your decision.”
“But you want me to take it.”
He sloshes a breath. “Yes. Does that make me an asshole?”
“No. It makes you honest.”
“Even if I have a different opinion, I’ll always support you. Please know that.”
“I know.” I take his cap and place it on my head. “And even if I don’t always act it, I am on your team and you’re on mine.”
“Always.”
The brightness of his expression melts away the remaining lingering tension and fear. There’s much to discuss and figure out, but I know we’ll do it together.
“I’m so glad you didn’t go home.”
His hand strokes my cheek. “Luv, I did go home.”
“But you’re here.”
“Exactly.” He nuzzles my nose with his.
I close the scant inches between us, taking his full lips into a slow embrace.