Page 36 of At First Smile

Finn sloshes a long breath. “Gill, Rowan hasn’t told Mam yet because this thing with Pen is still new. I’m sure you of all people understand not telling our mother all aspects of a relationship. Considering she doesn’t know you’re separated from Layla, yet.”

Gillian just grunts.

“Um…” JoJo reappears, her eyes puffy and red. “I’m suddenly not feeling well. Might have overindulged on the pastries. I’m going to head out.” She scoops up her purse from the back of a chair.

Wes rises. “I’ll drive you.”

“Are you sure?”

Nodding, he loops his arm around her shoulder. “Totally. We can discuss our next dramatic reading showcase. I’m thinking next week, we tackle the pond scene from Heather and Jackson’s story.”

“I think JoJo would be a perfect Heather,” Finn says, warmth shimmers in his eyes.

JoJo offers a shaky smile.

“Ladies, give Wes your emails, I’m sending you all an advance audiobook copy of my newest book. It doesn’t come out for another two months, so you’ll have to promise to keep it between us.”

“Thanks.” The three say. Each woman’s response is different. JoJo’s is quiet. Trina’s is thankful, but seemingly not about the free book as much as for the kindness towards her two friends that my brother offers. Pen’s is guarded.

“JoJo—” Gillian coughs. “I… I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings.”

Her forehead pinches. “That’s not an apology. Don’t try to be something you’re not.”

“What’s that?”

“Disingenuous.”

He blanches.

“You said what you said. Own it.” Turning, she and Wes leave.

There are few moments that leave my brother speechless, but JoJo’s response seems to have slapped him silent. If my stomach wasn’t so knotted up right now, I’d be reveling in the slacked-jawed expression taking over his smug face.

“I’ll be in—” Without finishing his own sentence, he walks away.

“Pen, Trina, I’m sorry. He’s not”—Finn frowns— “okay, he’s mostly like that but he’s kind of a pineapple. Deep down there’s sweetness.”

“Very deep down.” My comment is snide and pointed.

Frowning, Finn just shakes his head.

“It’s okay.” Pen rises, scooping up plates from the table.

“It’s not okay.” I look from Pen to the screen. “Finn, don’t make excuses for him. He’s a prick.” I stand up to help, but she waves me off.

“I’m the middle brother, it’s my job. I do it for him. I do it for you.”

“Maybe let your grown ass brothers make their own excuses and apologies,” Trina snarks.

“Says the woman that doesn’t let her grown ass friends fight their own battles.” A warm smile accompanies his chide.

“Noted.” She rolls her eyes but returns his smile with an equally warm one.

As Trina and Finn tease each other before saying goodbye, I watch Pen quietly clean up. Her gaze averted and mouth drawn into a tight line. Once I log off the call and shut the laptop, I stride to Pen. Taking the dishes from her hand, I place them on the counter.

“I’m sorry.”

Her expression pinches. “For what?”

“For Gillian being…well, Gillian. For telling my mam there’s nothing going on with us. She’d seen the article before I surprised you at Bread last week and—” I rub the back of my neck. “I didn’t know what to tell her, then.”

“I’m not upset by that. Of course, you haven’t told your mom about me. We’re still new.”

“I’m sorry about Gillian.” Gripping her biceps, my fingers caress her soft skin.

“It’s not your job to apologize for him nor your job to protect us from him.”

“I’m not going to let someone speak to you like that.” My brows pull together.

“I can defend myself.”

“I know that… You’re scrappy.”

The ghost of a smile softens her features. “So are you. I just wish you’d use some of your scrappiness for yourself.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Gillian and you. You’re not the man he paints you to be, and it hurts to see you just accept his very wrong words about you.”

“I…”

In that moment, every argument with Gillian riots through me. Raised voices. Growled insults. Balled up fists. As angry as I get with Gillian, I’ve never stood up for myself. Not really. It’s just different versions of what took place today. I can demand apologies for others but not for myself.

She steps into my chest, tipping her head up. “You’re always ready to protect everyone else, why not yourself? You didn’t say anything to him until he hurt JoJo or made a snide comment about me. Why do you allow Gillian to treat you like that?”

I close my eyes. “Because to him, no matter what I say or do, I’ll always be the reason our father died.”

None of this would be happening, if it wasn’t for you. Gillian’s words hiss inside me. It’s been twenty-three years since he’d uttered those words, his already stern face glaring at me from the top of the stairs.

“He shouldn’t have been out there, but he went… For you and now he’s gone.” He spins and charges into the bedroom we now have to share, slamming the door.

“He didn’t mean that,” Finn sighs, looking between the now-shut bedroom door and me.

“Yes, he did.” I turn and walk away.

“Baby, what does that mean?” Pen’s warm palm rests on my cheek, pulling me back to her and away from the past.

My fingers curl around her biceps as if at any moment she’ll slip through my fingers. “My dad fell through the ice of the pond in the back of the house we lived in before…”

Before my mam cried for weeks. Before our entire life as we knew it was ripped away. Before everything changed…

Her eyes widen. “The pond where he taught you to play hockey?”

“It was mid-January. The temperature had been below freezing for weeks. We’d not been on the pond yet that season.

Dad was testing it to make sure it was safe for us to use.

He always said to never go out alone.” Tears prick, but I blink to clear them.

“We were at the market with mam, when we came home, I saw a new net on the pond but no dad. I didn’t think anything of it.

It got dark, but he wasn’t home. Mam got worried and called my dad’s friend, Florence, who was a police officer.

It wasn’t like dad to just disappear. They found him the next day.

He must have fallen through and couldn’t get himself out.

He was out there getting the pond ready for me. ”

“Oh, baby I’m so sorry.” She folds her arms around me and rests her face on my chest.

The feel of her body against mine is a balm for my stuttering heartbeat.

“I know you say Gillian blames you, but do you blame you?” She tips her head up, her honey eyes are glassy with worry.

I swipe my finger across her jawline. “What happened was an accident. My dad chose to be out there alone, to not heed his own warning, but I still feel guilty that the only reason he was out there was to do something for me… That doing something for me took him away from my mam and brothers.”

“And from you.”

I nod.

She cups my face. “His choices aren’t your responsibility, even if he was doing something for you. He chose to be out there alone. Whether he was out there to set up your hockey net or to catch a fish for the future chef Gillian to cook, he made the decision, not anyone else.”

“I know.”

“Do you?” She holds tight, not allowing my gaze to turn from her.

Her warm eyes glitter with determination.

“Because if you did, if you truly understood that, you wouldn’t continue to let your brother make you pay for someone else’s decision…

make you feel like a great disappointment because he doesn’t want to deal with who he’s really angry with. ”

If I do anything but nod, the tears and emotions I hold back will flood forward.

“You’re both angry with your father and taking it out on each other because he’s not here to get loud with… To ask for answers. To push. To curse at. So, instead you take it out on each other and worse, on yourselves.”

“I’m not angry with my father.” I step back.

“Aren’t you?”

“I…” That ever-present knot in my stomach tightens.

“Of course you’re angry. Those of us left behind are always a little angry. I’m angry with Aunt Bea.” Her admission is quiet.

Stunned, my eyes lock with hers.

“I’m angry that she didn’t get her regular mammogram because if she had, we might have caught the breast cancer early, and she’d still be here.

I’m fucking furious with her for dying when she probably didn’t need to, if she’d have taken better care of herself instead of taking care of me,” she croaks.

I reach for her, but she steps away from my grasp, tears welling in her eyes. “Not until you say it. You don’t get to hold me, comfort me, for being brave enough to admit something you’re not willing to admit yourself.”

The words punch into my gut, pulverizing the tangled knot of emotions. “Pen.”

She stands firm.

I heave a hard breath. “I’m angry that you’re making me do this.

I fucking hate that you won’t let me hold you right now, especially because I want to hold you to give me strength to be as brave as you and say the things I don’t even dare let myself think, let alone speak.

” My vision blurs and the salty, held-back tears sting.

Pen steps into my chest, her head pressed over my thudding heart, and arms tight around me. Each squeeze of her arms loosens the unspoken truths from inside me.

“I’m furious with Gillian for telling me it’s my fault.

I hate that Finn only ever said that Gillian didn’t mean it but never told me that Dad’s death wasn’t my fault.

I’m upset with Mam for taking us away from our lives just because she didn’t know how to live without him.

I’m so goddamn angry with him for doing the one thing he told us never to do and leaving us to deal with the consequences.

That he died before teaching me to be the man I know he was…

the type of man I’m scared I’ll never be. ”

Raising to her tiptoes, she grips my face and captures my watery stare. “I don’t know what type of man your dad was, but I know what type of man you are. You’re a good man, Rowan Iverson. You’re the man I’m falling for. You’re my man and I’m”—she offers a sweet smile— “your girl.”

“My girl?” The sweet proclamation thrums in my chest.

Wrapping her arms around my neck, she beams. “For the record, I am a strong adult woman who does not enjoy when anyone refers to me as girl … But I like the idea of being your girl. Just yours.”

“Pen.” I capture her lips with mine.

Everything I want to convey is in each kiss, hungrier than the last. I don’t deserve you, but I’ll do as you asked and just agree to let myself be happy and you make me so happy.

I only hope I do the same.