Page 14 of At First Smile

CHAPTER SEVEN

It’s Not For Him

Pen

R owan’s body stiffens beneath my touch, but his hand tightens around mine.

Just more of the push and pull that’s flown from him most of the day.

There’s no doubt that he wants me. Finding me with Harley, he’d all but planted a giant flag branded with Rowan’s Girl in florescent letters.

And when he called me “luv” I could have melted. Still, he holds back.

I get it. There’re so many reasons to hold back.

They stack up inside me. We just met. Despite what my heart protests, we don’t really know each other.

It’s risky, all relationships are. I have these same concerns, but a quiet part of me worries it may be the same reason the boys I liked in high school and college didn’t date me.

I’m too much trouble. They see past the woman I am, focusing only on my disability and conjure images of needing to take care of me.

“Are you Pen Meadows?” the woman asks, pulling my focus to her.

Rowan’s head snaps between the woman and me. His posture relaxes, but he maintains a firm grip on my hand.

“I am.” I offer a slight smile.

The woman claps her hands together. “Oh, my word. I still can’t believe this.

This is amazing. Where are my manners?” A giggle bubbles out.

“I’m Stacy Gray. I teach special education at the high school, and my students and I follow you.

None of my students are visually impaired, but they relate to you so much.

They all have intellectual disabilities and are inspired by the way you embrace your disability as part of your life without letting it define you. ”

“Thanks,” I brush my hair behind my ear with my free hand.

“I almost died when I saw your post from Milford Falls this afternoon. My students have been freaking out on our class’s message board that you’re in town, but they are going to lose it when I tell them on Monday that I ran into you at the inn.

I just came to see Harley play – he’s a bit of a rockstar around here. ”

A low grumble plays in Rowans throat, making me bite back a snort.

Clearly, he’s not a fan of Michigan Ed Sheeran.

I’ll admit Harley is attractive. He’s all clean-cut boy next door with close-cropped hair and a smooth-shaven face versus Rowan’s rugged good looks.

The aroma of citrusy soap wafts from Harley, while a haunting woodsy scent clings to Rowan.

Harley’s timbre is like warmed caramel, while Rowan’s gruff, deep voice oozes sex appeal.

Even without the snatches of Irish lilt, his voice plays my body like an instrument making me hum with need for more.

God, I wish I had used my vibrator. My body was wound tight after our hike. Between the almost kiss as I straddled him on the bridge and the loss of his physical touch after, every cell blazes. Apparently, even the icy shower I took couldn’t quell the fire low in my belly.

“School isn’t out yet?” Rowan asks, clearing his throat.

Good gravy, how does that even sound sexy?

“Summer session for special ed students,” she says, tipping her head back. “How long are you in town for? I shouldn’t ask, but if you’re available I’d love to have you come in. The kids would flip. Penelope Meadows,” she squeals.

“ We leave tomorrow,” Rowans says, a warm firmness shading his tone.

“Boo.”

“But I could record a message for your students. Something you could play for them in class. Or I can post a message to my social media that congratulates them on the end of the school year. We could do it together.”

“They’d freak out if you posted it to your social.”

“I can take the video,” Rowan offers, squeezing my hand.

“Thanks.” I slip my phone out and hand it to him.

It’s almost second nature now. He took several shots of me by the pool at the waterfall’s base.

He said he’d even captured a short video of me playing with a puppy being walked by an older couple along the riverbed.

Its paws, bigger than its little body covered in silken chocolate-colored fur, bounced at my cane’s ball tip as if it was a new toy.

It was utterly adorable. I didn’t look at the pictures or video after.

My body was still too keyed up from throwing myself at him, only to be thwarted by that random man who turned out to be a park ranger, to review the pictures and video.

“Would it also be okay to get a selfie with my phone, too?” Stacy asks after we finish recording the short message.

“Of course.” My eyes drop to Rowan, who hands me my phone. “Would you mind?—”

“I’ve got you, luv.”

Liquid heat surges like wildfire in my veins.

The way he says luv and the energy that rushes between us makes me a little tipsy.

I’ve had crushes before, but there’s something about the fizziness in my blood that overpowers my good senses around him.

Never would I have got in a rental car with a man I do not know to go to a random inn in a town where I know no one and then proceed to go on a hike in the woods with him.

That’s some textbook Dateline Special girl who gets murdered shit.

Yet here I am. He could ask me to go for a midnight stroll in the dark woods to an abandoned cabin to see his chainsaw collection, and I’d probably say yes.

This is how you die, Pen…or get your heart broken. Either way I’m going willingly.

“Such a handsome helper. Is he your new boyfriend?”

Rowan’s hand brushes at the base of his head. “We just met today.”

“New boyfriend?” A furrow notches on my forehead.

“You had a boyfriend on your page, but he’s not been photographed in a bit.

The one with beautiful blue eyes that looks a little like Ryan Gosling.

Dr. Alex something. He’s tagged in the pictures with you.

Several of the students in my class have major crushes on him.

They’ve been bummed and speculating since there haven’t been any photos with him in a while. ”

Since December thirty-first to be exact.

Happy New Year, you’re an asshole, now goodbye.

My body bristles at the mention of Alex.

I’d forgotten about the pictures with Alex that slipped into my social media.

There aren’t a lot of photos with him. One at a Bridgerton themed fundraiser for the hospital I – we work at – and a couple of random shots at some volunteer events.

As much as I share my life, there’re things I prefer to keep to myself.

Cane Austen and Me is about raising awareness and advocating for/about disability, not for sharing the personal things that I like to keep private, including my romantic relationships.

Something Alex had no problem sharing all over his social media and tagging himself and me in photos.

“Dr. Alex Walsh. We’re just colleagues,” I offer the half-truth.

Though colleague adds far more to the current relationship with Alex.

He’s now the smooth baritone and loud dress shoes who I avoid at the hospital.

But she doesn’t get to know that. I give a lot to my followers in the name of supporting the way disabled people are seen in this world, but I won’t offer my heart nor the massive mistake it almost made.

Snapping the photo, Rowan hands the phone back to Stacy. Large hand on my hip, he tucks me into his side. “While I’m not her boyfriend, we are on a date, so if you don’t mind…” he says with firmness in his tone.

It’s not a date. He knows that. I know that. Even if I did get myself ready as if it was. He hadn’t committed when I invited him to join me, but the jealous way he grumbled about Harley told me he’d be at the bar with me tonight.

The thought had me spending extra time getting ready.

I shaved everywhere . The strapless tea-length blue dress that I tugged over a matching pair of lacy pink panties and bra hugs my soft curves.

I styled my hair to hang straight and loose over my bare shoulders.

My body is silky from the brown-sugar scented moisturizer I’d smoothed over every inch.

After Stacy leaves us, we take our seats. The chair across from me that Harley once occupied sits empty, but Rowan retakes the pilfered one he’d tucked beside mine.

“So, this is a date?” My fingers wrap around the glass’s stem.

“As far as anyone in this room is concerned,” he almost growls.

I snort. “Does that include me? I mean I’d like to know if I’m on a date or not. You know…open and direct communication.”

“If it was a date, could I ask about who Alex is?” He curls his fingers around his pint.

I let out a hard breath. “He was my boyfriend. I broke up with him on New Year’s Eve.”

“What happened?”

“He was a liar.” I fiddle with the blue sapphire pendant on my necklace.

Besides JoJo and Trina, I’ve not told anyone this story. The only thing my colleagues know is that we’re not together anymore. Well and the version of our breakup that Alex – ever the Svengali – has told them.

Rowan’s hand rests on my knee. “You don’t have to tell me, if you don’t want to.”

“I want to tell you.” I square my shoulders. There’s something about Rowan that unspools all my truths.

Despite the topsy-turviness that twists inside me with this man, his energy settles me.

I feel safe with him. Safe enough to do things that I don’t normally do.

Like put on the cutest dress I have, sit in a bar, and order a drink for a man who never promised to meet me, but I knew would be here.

To share with him things I’ve only told my best friends and some things I haven’t even shared with them.