Page 49 of Apple of My Eye

Chapter Thirty-Nine

Eloise

Things I Like About San Francisco

– Fresh croissants at the corner bakery

– Hiking the headlands

– Bagel shops (they’re everywhere!)

– Beating Linden at gin rummy

– Espresso martinis

– When the morning fog breaks

I never believed in Mercury being in retrograde until today, which has been the weirdest day of my entire life.

Linden: Hey, do you want to come visit? And no, Mercury isn’t in retrograde or whatever you call it. I was thinking of you the other day. Thought maybe you could use a change of scenery.

I assume Mom texted him letting him know that I was moping around the house, at a loss as to what to do with myself now that the season had wound down and I still hadn’t heard back on my loan application or on the state of the Parkers’ place.

I roll my eyes at the picture I make of her in my head, texting Linden: Please help her.

Our darling son, please. We’re counting on you.

But I push out my negative thoughts. I swallow my pride and think of Lily instead. I reply that yes, I would in fact like to come visit.

Linden: Great. Let me know when you buy your flights.

Linden: And you can stay as long as you want. We have an extra bedroom.

Me: OK. Thanks for being so cool about it.

I want to type out, Thanks for being so cool about it even though I’ve held the world’s longest grudge against you moving , but I delete the second half, worried the sentiment is too heavy to be sending over text.

Linden: No need to thank me.

I spend an inordinate amount of time looking at flights before I scamper downstairs feeling marginally better now that I have a plan to do something other than work on the farm and stare at my parents during mealtimes.

I even pull up a job board and scroll aimlessly through research jobs in San Francisco.

Sure, there’s a world in which I start research that doesn’t have anything to do with agriculture but maybe some off-the-farm experience wouldn’t be the worst thing.

An email pops up in my inbox as I’m just about to shut my computer.

My loan application. It’s approved. I stare at my computer, slack-jawed.

Not that it matters much anymore—if the Parkers aren’t bankrupt, then they’re not going to sell.

But it does mean that I wrote a proposal convincing enough that a bank approved me for money.

I let myself bask in pride, staring happily at the email.

The email means my dreams weren’t stupid.

They weren’t silly. What was I thinking almost giving them up?

‘Honey?’ Mom calls, having arrived back from the grocery store.

‘In the kitchen!’ I shout gleefully, excited to share the news.

‘You’ll never believe what I just heard,’ she says, as she unloads bags from the counter. ‘Betsy and Joe refused the offer.’

‘What?’ I breathe. Hope a pounding, tangible thing in my chest.

‘Yep. Apparently Nick told them he was wrong, that they shouldn’t take it.’ She stops unpacking groceries to lean in closer to me. ‘He told them to put it on the market. Let someone else be the steward.’

‘Mom,’ I say, my voice shaky. ‘My loan just got approved. Today.’

‘Oh, Eloise,’ she says, pulling me in for a tight hug. ‘You must be so excited.’

I pull back from her embrace. ‘Aren’t you?’ I ask, even though I know the answer isn’t what I want to hear.

She shifts her weight from one foot to the other, a habit I also do when I’m nervous. ‘Well .?.?. your dad and I have been talking.’ She pauses. ‘Cal!’ she yells to the office.

Dad sticks his head out and seeing the hesitant expression on my face, he wanders into the kitchen slowly.

‘Your dad and I .?.?.’ She twists her hands. ‘Well, we’ve been talking about our future here .?.?. and .?.?.’

Dad’s eyes drop. ‘We do want to sell the farm,’ Dad says.

My heart falls into my stomach.

‘And if Betsy and Joe don’t want to sell to Scott’s .?.?. well .?.?. we might want to.’

My jaw drops. ‘You can’t be serious.’

‘It’s too much for us. We’re not the spry young kids we used to be.’

‘So, you’re just giving up on your dream?’

They look at each other. ‘It isn’t our dream anymore.’

I feel tears welling up in my eyes. ‘OK,’ I breathe. ‘So, the loan doesn’t matter because I won’t even have anything to start from.’

‘Well, we’ve been talking about this too, but you could take over the farm if you wanted. You know, use the loan to buy it from us.’

‘But where would you go?’

Mom shrugs. ‘I don’t know. I’ve been dreaming of living in the city.’

‘Then what would be the point of being here?!’ I practically scream. ‘I hate Mercury!’

In the week after the Parkers officially put their farm up for sale, formally rejecting the Scott’s Orchards offer, I run the numbers over and over.

They still work with my original plan, but they do not work if I want to buy my parents out of their stake in the farm too.

Dad, in classic fashion, offers to stay on, to keep owning the farm while I get things up and running.

But I can’t do that to them. I don’t want to force them to keep living in a place they don’t want to be anymore.

It’s already too much to reconcile that I may have misread their expectations from me in the first place.

I’m staring at a crummy hand of gin rummy when Dad gets a call from an unknown number.

‘Hello?’ He runs a hand through his thinning hair. ‘Oh, I wasn’t excepting to hear back from you so soon.’ His eyes crinkle at the corners.

Mom peeks her head out from the kitchen.

‘OK.’ Dad’s grinning now. ‘That’s great.’

I try to catch Mom’s eyes, confused as to who Dad could be talking to that’s making him so happy.

After a few more minutes, he gets off the phone and turns to me, still smiling. ‘Lou, a family from Seattle wants to lease the farm.’

‘What?’ I put my cards down face up on the table, there’s no going back to the game after this.

‘We don’t have to sell. We have time.’ He grins at Mom, who’s dabbing her eyes with the corner of her apron. ‘We got you some more time.’

I let the realization sink in. I have a few years, however long the lease lasts, before our farm could go on the market.

We’ll still own it, someone else will temporarily manage it.

I have time . That night I start packing a bag for San Francisco.

With JJ in a new home, with my parents’ new income stream from the lease of the farm .

.?. I’m starting to feel like a week in the city might do me some good, maybe help me see if I could envision a life for myself outside of Carnation.

On the fourth morning I’m in San Francisco, I decide I don’t want to go back to Carnation at the end of the week like I’m supposed to.

I like the energy here. I’ve gone hiking with Shari’s cousin, who I felt instantly connected to (although I have yet to determine if that’s simply because she reminds me of Shari).

Linden and I are learning to live together again and it’s shockingly easy, like driving a car after you haven’t driven one in a while.

Although I’m not sure if this is entirely due to his girlfriend, who is awesome .

Mom was right about her being the influence that makes Linden call home more.

She’s thoughtful and patient and is giving Linden and me space to reconnect while also folding me into her group of friends.

I make us breakfast most mornings, fresh eggs (he buys them from a nearby farming community that he loves) and toast. He’s a surprisingly good cook and usually makes us dinner. I even have a lead on a few jobs.

Linden’s sitting at the kitchen table, thumbing through his phone, when I get up the courage to ask if I can stay longer.

‘Linden—’ I set down my coffee cup next to his ‘—I’ve been meaning to say I’m sorry.

I misjudged you when you left the farm. I felt alone and scared.

I didn’t want to be left behind. But I see why this is so great.

’ I gesture to the window, where the sun is peeking through the fog.

‘I like it here.’ I squirm in my seat. ‘I kind of want to stay a little longer .?.?. if that’s OK?

I mean, ask Julia first, of course, but . .?.’

Linden’s shoulders slacken. ‘I never meant to leave you behind, Lou.’ He gets up and walks around the table, arms outstretched for a hug.

‘I’m sorry too. You vocalized that you were worried about Mom and Dad, and I felt guilty for leaving so I didn’t want to engage.

It’s a two-way street. I’m happy you’re here. ’

‘So, you’ll ask Julia if I can stay?’

Linden laughs. ‘Only if you keep making breakfast.’

I find a job researching the genetic potential of hybrid radishes. I pay Linden less than I should for rent. I hike on the weekends with Shari’s cousin and her friends. I talk to Mom and Dad with Linden (Mom is thrilled at this development). And three weeks in, I decide to date again.

There’s just one problem—I can’t quite stop thinking about Nick.

During my first date in San Francisco all I can think about is how much more handsome Nick is.

How I love the way his haircut brings out his cheekbones.

How I love the way the sunlight sparkles in his eyes.

How I yearn for his touch again, for our chemistry.

I’m on another date tonight, with someone who looks vaguely like Nick, and all I can think about is how much I miss Nick’s brain.

I miss the way he approaches problems; I miss the way he asks me questions.

I miss how interested he is in everyone around him, how he is always thinking, calculating, wanting to know more, to do better.

I miss his ambition, even when it aggravates me.

I miss how well he knew me after such a short time, how he makes me feel like I’m worth knowing.

I get home, missing him so badly that I look him up, the first time I’d let myself do it in ages.

I’m expecting to find a grid filled with pictures of him with his friends, of restaurants, of hikes.

Instead, I find nothing. Not a single new post since he stopped posting about the Parkers.

I hover outside of Linden’s room, wondering if I should confide in him, tell him what’s on my mind.

It would be nice to have a fresh perspective on the situation.

Maybe I should call Nick, maybe I should be the one apologizing.

But Nick was the one that lied. I don’t need Linden to tell me that makes him bad news.

Just as I’m turning to go to bed, his door opens.

‘Lou!’ he says, surprised. ‘I was just going to find you. Hey—’ he stops short ‘—how was your date?’

‘Ugh,’ I say. ‘A colossal waste of time.’

‘I’m sorry,’ he says, looking genuinely disappointed. ‘I was wondering, do you want to come with me to the Sausalito Farming Convention tomorrow?’

Linden’s been trying to get me to go with him for ages.

But something about farming, about Linden farming .

.?. I just haven’t wanted to go. It’s been easier to separate things fully for me, to not straddle the line between two worlds.

But his expression is so hopeful .?.?. ‘I guess I could make that work.’

‘Great.’ He beams. ‘It’s at seven. Don’t be late.’

Me: Is it crazy that I think Linden and I are like .?.?. getting along?

Evan: Crazy? We’ve been telling you since we met you that Linden was cool.

Shari: Preach. I’ve been telling you I wanted to date him which is the highest compliment.

Me: I was going to say I can’t wait until you guys come and visit .?.?.

Shari: Relax. He’s taken! And I want to come visit. As soon as my berry babies are settled in.

Evan: So I take it your heart to heart with Linden went fine.

Me: He was like .?.?. so cool about it that it made me feel bad yk?

Shari: Ah, an emotionally adjusted man. The rarest of them all.

Evan: Hey, proud of you for admitting you were wrong.

Me: Not wrong, just changed my mind.

Me: Kidding, was a little bit wrong. And harsh. And mean.

Shari: Women bear an extra burden. Glad Linden didn’t make yours heavier by adding guilt.

Evan: ^^^.