Page 45 of Apple of My Eye

Chapter Thirty-Five

Eloise

A Few of My Favorite Things When I’m Feeling Bad (à la Julie Andrews)

– Sweatshirts so worn in they have holes (preferably Dad’s)

– A hug from Mom

– The Notebook or Dead Poets Society (different vibes, same tear-jerk quality)

– Quilts

– Bright copper kettles (with chamomile tea)

– Drawn blackout shades

Evan sent me to bed promising that a night of sleep would help diminish my anger.

It didn’t. I’m so angry at breakfast that I’m seeing red.

I can’t believe I took my eye off the ball.

This was supposed to be the most important harvest of my life, my chance to give my parents a feasible option to keep the farm, and I’ve been distractedly hiding away in barns and basements instead of working hard.

‘What do you want to do?’ he asks between bites of cereal.

‘Hit him with your car,’ I reply truthfully. ‘I wish I hadn’t lied for him to his friends,’ I mutter. ‘I should have just told them he hates football. All this, for a bet? I can’t believe it.’

‘Can you repeat that?’ Evan asks. ‘I’m so sorry. I can’t hear you over my chewing.’

‘Let’s talk about it later,’ I mumble, hearing Mom’s footsteps echoing in the hall.

‘Another busy day today,’ Mom trills as she walks into the kitchen.

I groan. The last thing I want to do is put on a fake smile and welcome people to the farm, but I’ll have to grin and bear it.

‘I got you.’ Evan squeezes my hand. ‘We’re in this together.’

‘Thank you,’ I mouth. I don’t feel like explaining what happened to my mom—especially seeing as she’s the kind of person who would want me to forgive Nick, which is the last thing I want to be told to do.

‘Remember that time you stayed up with me all night while I learned the names of fancy wines so I could work at that restaurant?’ Evan asks. ‘Think of it as payback for that.’

‘Except you’ll still owe me,’ I say, a hint of a smile playing at my lips, ‘because you never even took that job. So, the all-nighter was a complete waste.’

‘So true. ‘Evan smiles. ‘Hindsight’s twenty-twenty.’

‘It sure fucking is.’

Evan’s beat-up Camry stirs up clouds as he pulls out of the driveway.

I stand on the front porch, waving goodbye until he disappears from view.

My heart feels heavy as I sit down on a rocking chair on the front porch.

I let out a huge sigh. This fall didn’t turn out anything like I thought it would.

I hear heavy steps plod up the front porch. ‘Ahem.’ I don’t need to turn around to know Nick just cleared his throat behind me. I stare straight ahead. Isaac and Julian probably just left as well. ‘What do you want?’ I ask.

‘To talk.’

‘I’m not in the mood.’

‘Look, I know they said something to you about the fantasy football bet. But it’s not like this wasn’t for school—it was . It is . For school, I mean.’

‘I don’t really care,’ I say sharply, still staring off into the rolling hills in the distance. There’s a storm cloud forming to the west.

‘Eloise.’ Nick’s tone takes on a pleading note. ‘Please, I’m sorry.’

‘You should really get home before it starts to rain.’

I feel Nick’s hand gently on my shoulder, his fingertips barely brushing the fabric of my shirt.

My body betrays me, radiating heat towards Nick.

But my mind still feels cold. ‘Eloise,’ he says again.

His voice breaks a little bit on the last syllable and I feel my heart soften.

‘This was for school, I swear. I would never ruin something so important to you for a stupid bet.’

Something about the way he says it, with so much finality, makes my spine stiffen. I brush his hand off my shoulder. ‘You what?’ I say in a low voice.

‘I wouldn’t ruin something so important to you.’ Nick is earnest.

‘You’re acting like it’s already happened.’ The edge in my voice could break skin.

‘I-I—’ Nick stutters out.

I turn round to face him. His face is wan, his expression full of remorse, of emotion. His bottom lip is trembling ever so slightly, his eyes wide.

‘You can’t take away what I’ve worked my whole life to keep. I won’t let you.’

‘I don’t want to,’ he says. He reaches for me, and I stare at his hand. I’m torn between the desperate, almost primal need to grab it, and the betrayal I feel roiling through my body.

‘Then don’t.’ I cross my arms across my chest, keeping my hands away from his, worried they’ll grab onto him on their own accord.

‘You don’t even have to change plans for me.

Do it for my parents. I’m doing it to ensure they have a future too.

’ I open my mouth to remind him how much he likes my parents, how much they like him, but then I close it.

He doesn’t deserve the satisfaction of knowing how much they adore him.

I watch as his expression transforms from remorseful to exasperated. There’s a glint in his eye as he says, ‘They didn’t ask you to do that for them.’

I snort. ‘They didn’t have to. Nobody else will. Did you see Linden come up to check on them this summer?’

‘Eloise, you’re acting like they’re eighty years old! They can take care of themselves. What about your dream to do research? You don’t think they would think that’s more important?’

‘Than their wellbeing? They can take care of themselves now, but what about in five years’ time? In ten?’

Nick scoffs. ‘You act like they’re not taking care of themselves just fine.’

‘They’re not, Nick. You don’t know anything about the finances of the farm.’

‘And you don’t know anything about being a parent if you really think they’d want you to give up on your dream.’

‘You clearly don’t know my parents if you think that’s important to them. They love me because I help them. That’s who I am to them. A devoted daughter. You would know what that felt like if you didn’t run off to the country for the summer and leave your mom behind.’

Nick’s mouth forms a tight line. It was a low blow to say that; I know Nick really misses his mom, but something about his comment that my parents don’t need me really hit home.

Nick takes a deep breath and his face relaxes.

‘Your parents love you no matter what. I’ve seen them with you.

They don’t love you because you take care of them. ’

‘That isn’t true.’

‘Yes, it is.’ Nick takes a small step towards me. We’re inches apart now, squaring off on the porch as the rainclouds gather on the horizon. ‘You’re lovable, Eloise. I know it because—’

‘That’s not true,’ I interrupt him, feeling panic rise in my chest. ‘You don’t know what it’s like to be me, to hear your whole life that what you’re good at is showing up, is being there for other people.

You know what they cared about for Linden?

His grades, his sports performance, his internships.

They only cared if I was polite, if I put on appropriate clothes for the school outing, if I respected the adults around me.

It’s didn’t matter if I excelled in a lab, it didn’t matter if my future had promise, it mattered that I was a good girl, then I would be loved.

’ I pause to take a breath. Nick staring at me, stunned by my outburst. ‘You know what the worst part is? I grew up my whole life thinking everything was different for women now, that we could have the world too, that we could dream just as big. But look who’s stuck at home taking care of her family?

Me. Look who takes on the burden of caring that our farm does something actually good for the planet?

Me. While Linden is off doing whatever he wants.

’ I’m breathing hard, my body temperature rising.

I can feel anger radiating out of my pores.

‘Eloise.’ Nick steps even closer towards me, putting a hand on my arm.

‘I’m so sorry. You are lovable. You’re just as lovable as your brother.

You deserve to chase your dreams too. You can always come back here if they’re not what you thought, but you should at least try to do what you want . .?.’ He trails off.

I swallow, trying my best to maintain composure even though I feel like I’m about to cry.

‘You are so worthy of love.’ Nick shakes his head, like he can’t bear to imagine a world where I didn’t agree with him.

‘You love everything.’ He throws his hands up.

‘You even love dirt! You care about every animal and you talk to every tree. You basically exist to make your father proud and you would do anything for Evan and Shari and Lily .?.?. You’re incredibly smart, you’re creative, you have this tireless work ethic.

Eloise, I’ve never met anyone like you. You have no idea how special you are.

If you were just honest with your parents, I know they’d understand.

You don’t need to carry all these burdens alone. ’

I blink back tears. I remind myself that Nick is about to leave.

He doesn’t care that much about you if he’s still planning to abandon you , says the little voice in my head.

I remind myself that he lied to me, that he never told me he was ruining my dream for fantasy football. Then I take a deep breath.

‘That advice is rich coming from you,’ I say.

‘You couldn’t even be honest with me about why you were really here.

You said you were here because you believed in a job well done, but you don’t even have a shred of a good reason to be doing the job in the first place.

You talk such a big game about succeeding.

For what? To prove your friends right? To feel like you deserve your mother’s love, that you don’t deserve your father’s absence?

’ My voice breaks as I finish the sentence.

I went too far. I can see it in Nick’s eyes.

But it’s too late. I’m too angry. I’m too hurt.

Nick’s face falls just as raindrops start to hit the driveway. ‘If that’s how you really feel.’ He takes a step backwards.

‘I think you should leave.’ I can feel tears threatening to spill down my cheeks and the last thing I want to do is cry in front of him. ‘Just go.’

His face darkens and he opens his mouth like he’s about to say something but then he turns to go, shoulders slumped.

I head inside, desperately craving a soft blanket, a warm cup of tea, and a good cry.