Page 20 of Apple of My Eye

‘OK.’ She clams up, walking absent-mindedly across the length of the barn, which is small.

There’s a scattering of grass across the cement floor, dry and brown with age, remnants of when this place was last used.

Eloise stalls in the center of the space, the A-frame ceiling lofted high above her, right in front of a rope swing.

Her blonde hair is damp, clinging to the sides of her face and her shoulders and she shivers, her hands fluttering up and down her arms. Goosebumps freckle the backs of her legs.

I’m pinned to the floor where I stand staring at her.

She has no idea how beautiful she looks.

I open my mouth to tell her but something about being alone inside feels wildly different from the amount of time we’ve spent alone together under the open sky.

I don’t want to disturb the peace. I make up my mind to tell her the next time, to give her a real intentional compliment, not one that could feel sleazy, especially since her nipples have peaked with the cold and I can see them through her shirt.

I would give anything to close my mouth around one, to tease her slowly, to lick every inch of her until her toes curl in her work boots. My heart thuds in my chest.

‘I used to spend so much time in here,’ Eloise says quietly, nudging the rope swing with an outstretched finger. It sways gently, responding to her touch.

‘I-It seems like a really cool space to hang out as a kid .?.?.’ I cough out, momentarily embarrassed at how dirty my own mind is.

I force myself to look around and take in my surroundings so I stop imagining what Eloise would look like with me inside her, back arched, mouth agape.

Instead, I take in the rusted rake hanging on one wall and spot a rickety ladder leading up the side of another and take a deep breath.

‘Is there a loft?’ I ask, trying desperately to make my voice as normal-sounding as possible.

‘Yeah.’ Eloise lights up. ‘It’s tiny. I used to read up there when I was a kid.

’ She climbs up the ladder nimbly and pulls herself over the top, disappearing from view.

‘Come on,’ she calls me. I pull myself up after her, the wood creaking, until I too am perched up on a narrow shelf.

It’s so small that both of our legs are dangling off and our shoulders are touching, cool wet skin to cool wet skin.

I wonder if I imagined it, but when I leaned in closer to Eloise, I think she leaned right back.

‘Linden would try to jump from here and grab the rope swing. He missed a lot.’

‘Ouch.’ We’re about ten feet above the ground. Those falls had to hurt.

‘Tell me about it.’

‘You don’t talk about him a lot.’

She runs a hand through her damp hair, thinking.

‘I guess I don’t. I think about him a lot now.

’ She pauses. ‘Things have been .?.?. strained .?.?. between us.’ She turns to look at me.

‘You don’t have siblings, so I don’t know if you have something like this—’ She pauses, as if wondering if I’ll correct her.

‘You’re right,’ I reassure her. ‘I don’t have siblings. Tell me.’

‘We were so close growing up. Siblings are like your built-in best friends. We spent all our time together, we pranked our parents together, we told each other everything. Linden hitting puberty was hard for me, we drifted apart for a while. I became his loser sister and he became this golden child .?.?.’ She trails off again, gazing out into the empty space of the barn.

‘Anyways, I thought we would eventually get close again, you know, when we both came back home to the farm. But he never did.’

‘But he comes home?’ I ask. ‘To visit?’

‘I would call it coming home to gloat but yes, he does. My parents love it. But then he gets to leave.’ She sighs.

‘Just like you do. And I’m left here being the one to worry about how my parents will ever be financially in the clear.

I don’t understand how he does it so casually .

.?. I don’t understand how anyone does it really .

.?. how they think their happiness is more important than a sustainable future for all.

’ Eloise stops abruptly. ‘I sound like a PBS special,’ she grumbles.

‘Hey—’ I nudge her ‘—I love PBS specials.’

Her lips quirk upwards.

‘I get why you have resentment towards him up and leaving, especially while you don’t feel like it’s as easy for you to do. But—’ I lean into her shoulder ‘—it’s good he’s happy, right?’

Eloise bobs her head in agreement, her shoulders slumping. ‘I don’t like holding a grudge, it’s just infuriating that I’m the one that has to care about the environment. I’m the one that has to stay in a small town with no good bagel places. I’m the one that has to take care of my parents.’

‘Yeah,’ I sigh. ‘I feel like that too. I’m worried about my mom being alone. And because I’m her only son, I’m the only one who carries that burden. Not that she’s a burden at all .?.?.’ I feel my cheeks redden as I notice I’m babbling, but Eloise turns to look at me, her blue eyes burning.

‘See,’ she breathes. ‘You get it then, why it’s so important, what I’m doing here. It’s hard when you’re the only one worried about the people who raised you.’

‘Exactly. And my mom, she’s fine, but she’s had some health scares in the past. She’s had a couple bouts of chest pain that we thought could have been heart attacks, we called an ambulance and everything, and it ended up being heartburn.’

‘Oh, that’s so scary.’

‘Yeah, it was. It’s hard to see her get older.’ I shrug. ‘She’s the reason I care so much about being successful. My mom means more to me than anything.’

Eloise sighs. She mumbles something unintelligible. Something that sounds a lot like Of course you’re doing this for your mom .

‘What?’

‘Nothing.’

‘She’d like you, you know.’ The thought pops out of my mouth before I can think it through. ‘My mom, I mean.’

Eloise blushes. ‘You think?’

‘I know. She loves a hard-working woman.’

‘Takes one to know one.’

‘I didn’t even tell you what she does.’

‘I can tell she works hard. She raised you.’ Eloise leans back into my shoulder. My insides feel all warm and tingly. An Anderson saying you’re a hard worker is a big compliment, maybe the nicest thing Eloise has ever said to me.

Eloise stills, cocking an ear up towards the ceiling. ‘Still raining,’ she confirms, ‘we might have a while.’

‘Truth or dare?’ I suggest.

Eloise laughs. ‘Something about me telling you I used to come here when I was younger must have really stuck. I haven’t played truth or dare in, like .?.?. a decade?’

‘That’s the magic of it.’

‘OK—’ Eloise turns to me ‘—I’m game. You go first.’

‘OK.’ I take a minute to think about what to say. We’re so cozy in this barn, so close and so intimate. ‘Truth,’ I decide.

She smiles. ‘Tell me a secret.’

‘What! That’s not a truth. You have to ask me something.’

‘OK,’ Eloise teases, ‘can you please tell me a secret?’

I laugh. ‘Touché.’ I rack my brain, swinging my feet back and forth while I think.

A secret for Eloise. I don’t have many. I don’t want to tell her anything cliché about a first kiss or the first time I had sex.

I don’t have any family secrets. I’m definitely not going to tell her about losing the fantasy football bet.

I haven’t told anyone that’s what got me here.

Everyone assumes it was so altruistic of me, and I can’t bear to tell them I was forced to do it. Suddenly, it comes to me.

‘I hate football,’ I say. It’s the first time I’ve ever said it out loud.

‘What?’ Eloise asks. ‘That’s your secret?’

‘Eloise,’ I say, turning towards her so our eyes meet. ‘If you met my friends, you would understand what a big deal that was.’

‘That you hate football.’ She crosses her arms, eyebrows raised with skepticism.

‘Yes. You cannot tell them. I mean it. Ever.’

She snorts. ‘You’re acting like they’re on their way here as we speak.’

‘Isaac and Julian are visiting for the first U-Pick weekend,’ I explain. I can’t help but smile thinking about it. ‘I’m excited.’

‘I can see that.’ Eloise grins. ‘That’s cool of them. One of my best friends from graduate school is visiting for Fall Festival—Evan. You’ll like him, I think. I wish you could meet Shari but she’s in Italy.’

‘Awesome,’ I reply. Trying to play it off that I’m not completely thrilled Eloise wants me to meet her friends. ‘I’d love to meet him.’

‘Wait, so back to football. You’re actually pretending to like it?’

‘Well.’ I squirm, beginning to regret telling her. ‘Yes?’

‘Nick!’ She playfully swats at my arm. ‘Boys are so dumb.’

‘OK, I did it. Your turn. Truth or dare?’ Is it so lame if I dare her to kiss me , I think.

‘You know what?’ she says, squinting towards the window at the far side of the barn where the sun is just beginning to peek through. ‘It actually looks like it stopped raining.’

As quick as lightning she jumps to her feet and scurries down the ladder. ‘Better get back out there!’

‘Eloise!’ I shout after her. She lets out a peal of laughter and I can’t help but join in, running after her back into the sunshine, the earth smelling like fresh rain.