Page 9 of Anyone But the Superstar

‘You’re not having a stroke.’ He’s sitting on the edge of bed with nothing but a pillow in his lap and a grimace on his face. Neither his words nor his expression bring me comfort.

‘But, ah, I think I know what happened.’ John offers me the strip of remaining condoms. ‘I swear I didn’t know.’

Not bothering to ask questions that my mouth can’t form, I snatch the condoms from him, wondering how they’ll help me understand why I sound like the love child of Elmer Fud and Daffy Duck.

His deeply cut six-pack contracts as he shifts uncomfortably on the bed.Guiltily.

Lifting the condoms closer, I read the back of the tiny square foil packet and nearly choke on my unswallowed spit. ‘Numbing cream?’

Except it doesn’t sound like numbing cream. It sounds like ‘ummin eam’ and at full soprano.

I glare at the man across from me, the color draining from behind his mangey beard. ‘Are oo uckin erious?’

Felix

I make horrible choices. Starting with hiring Jack, my former classmate and friend, as my manager. A manager who apparently buys condoms laced with numbing cream.

Anne wipes a line of drool off her chin and holds my gaze with a menace that only the finest actors playing the vilest humans have ever managed to do.

‘Um, I can explain.’ I point to the condoms in her hand. ‘Those aren’t mine.’

Her eyes narrow.

‘Seriously.’ I shift higher on the bed, feeling more vulnerable with just a pillow between us than I did while dressed with only a sock on my dick on a set full of people when I filmed my first love scene. ‘My, uh, friend, Jack gave them to me. At the bar. He was the guy whose seat you took when he left.’ I run a shaky hand through my hair. ‘Really, I swear. He?—’

‘I unt ucking care a-bou ucking ack!’ Anne whips my chest with the condom strip. ‘I ant eel meh ace!’ Flinging the strip at my face, she starts grabbing her clothes off the floor. ‘I eed ta go ta a ospital.’ With every attempt at a hard syllable, a burst of saliva sprays from her mouth.

Then my mind catches up to what she said.

My heart, first fast-paced from lust, then panic, sets a new beat per second record for extremely selfish reasons. ‘I don’tthink there’s any need to go to the hospital.’ Standing, I grab my pants off the floor.

She sneers at me as she finishes pulling on her shorts and buttons them.

‘Seriously.’ I stumble into the side of the bed in my haste to pull on my jeans. ‘They wouldn’t put something poisonous on something that’s meant to go on someone’s dick.’

‘I ouda a-whoa’d it!’ She stomps her bare foot on the carpet, then grabs her bra, pocketing it, rather than putting it on. Like she’s on a mission to get out of here as fast as possible.

Immediately, my mind goes to what the tabloids would say if this got out.

Action star Felix Jones arrives at hospital with unknown woman after sex accident.

Star suffers erectile disfunction with other woman just months after becoming official with girlfriend at Golden Globes.

Then to what Ron, my director would say.You’re fired.

Swallowing back my panic, I try again. ‘How about I get you an ice pack?’

‘Wha da uck is un ice ack onna oo?’ She stabs a finger toward her face. ‘Iss alrea-y umb!’

‘A heating pad?’ My voice breaks teenager style. ‘You could hop in the shower and let the hot water hit your face.’

Her expression blanks, as if replaying what I just said. Even I have to admit that was dumb as fuck.

Ithinkshe’s sneering at me when another line of drool slides down her chin. ‘In-thead a meh-ical twee-ment, oo wan me to otter-oard my-elf?’

I stare hard at her mouth, trying to make out what she’s saying.

‘Beh-cause ah oar pre-ma-or e-thack-oo-lathin.’