Page 28 of Anyone But the Superstar

I’m not sure how much time passes as I lay there, eyes closed, body motionless and crumbled against the warm glass, but however long it would’ve taken to process what the hell just happened is cut short when something soft, wet and rough, drags against the side of my facenotradiating in pain.

And when I finally open my eyes to see what new hell has found me, I’m met with the shriveled, shrunken face of the diablo himself.

Someone screams.

Sadly, it’s me.

Liz

I lift my shopping bag laden arm and hit the button again, hoping the repeated action will magically make the service elevator move faster.

Ten minutes after Chase left, I was still standing there dumbfounded by the turn of events when the grocery deliverynotification came, which I decided to collect myself as, directly after, the concierge called asking me to sign a pet waiver.

Too busy wondering when my previously lackadaisical brother started paying attention to details, I did something that anyone who has ever spent any time with my brother’s pet knows not to do.

I left him alone in my apartment.

It wasn’t until I scrawled my name on a document that made me liable for any damages that might occur due to said pet that my mistake hit me.

It’s been a year since Mikey and I went on regularly scheduled outings to Central Park and I left behind the Best Cat Aunt mug Chase gave me for Christmas.

And while any normal cat would simply associate my smell with happy times and be content, in the 360 plus days that I have been absent from Mike’s carefree and ball-licking life, I forgot one crucial thing – Mike isnota normal cat.

So while I left him basking in the sunlight like a nudist at the beach to decompress after his flight and abandonment by his owner, Mikey was more than likely thinking up various forms of retaliation for my long absence.

The elevator dings my floor’s arrival, and I nearly dislocate my shoulders as I lumber out and down the hall toward my door. Concierge offered to get me a trolley, but I’d been too worried about the unattended, vindictive feline to wait.

And it’s because of that unattended, vindictive feline that I’m not surprised when my struggle to open the door is rewarded with a high-pitched scream.

Whatisa surprise is that it’s not mine.

The door bangs open just as the scream begins to wane and my eyes land on a man crumpled on the floor by the window staring at Mike Hunt.

The baseball cap the man’s wearing hides most of his face, but what I do see of his mouth – slack-jawed and still emitting a low-pitched whine – tells me he’s more scared to be in the condo than I am to find him there.

‘Who…?’ My groceries land on the floor with a cascading thud. My arms have a second’s relief, followed by the sharp tingle of pins and needles as circulation restarts. But all that fades when my brain registers just who the baseball-cap-wearing intruder is. ‘You.’ All the violent tendencies I surprised at the press junket come flaring back to life.

The Hollywood actor double-takes when he sees me, recognition replacing terror. Then his eyes, before large and round on Mike, narrow on me. ‘You.’

Meanwhile, Mikey, sits politely in front of my unfortunate one-night stand. The cat glances over his bare shoulder at me then back at the man in front of him as if awaiting introductions.

Eyes back on Mike, Felix struggles to his feet.

I clear my throat, trying for a less bewildered and more authoritative tone. It’s annoying how I have to repress the thought of how good he looks in workout shorts and a t-shirt in order to do it.Think of the urgent care bill. ‘Why are you here?’

Not looking at me, Felix carefully sidesteps the cat. At what he must feel is a safe enough distance, he locks eyes with me. ‘Isn’t that my line?’

‘No.’ I do my own maneuvering, abandoning my groceries and circling the island until I reach my phone that I left on the counter. ‘This is my place.’

Please leave. Please leave. Please leave.

I don’t know why he is here, but if I can manifest my brother and his hairless cat, maybe I can manifest Felix Jones out of my condo.

‘What do you mean this is your place? I was…’ He stops, shaking his head. ‘Wait, never mind that.’ He points at the phone in my hand. ‘I want that picture.’

‘What picture?’

A blend of annoyance and skepticism fill his gaze. ‘You know what picture.’