Page 19 of An Impulsive Kiss (Captivating Kisses #2)

I f he told Lucy the truth about his background, Judson was afraid of losing her.

When he had just found her.

Lucy was the best person he had ever known. She had such faith in him, even if it was misplaced. She had been honest with him, and he owed her the same courtesy. In fact, it might be a blessing in disguise. When he told her the kind of man he truly was, she would most likely have little to do with him. It would become the true marriage of convenience he had thought to have with her all along. As it was, he prayed that was what it would become.

Because Judson was fast losing his heart to this wonderful woman.

She lay cuddled against him, their limbs entwined, and he knew he might never experience this closeness with her again once he had spoken his truth. He would relish these minutes together and remember to hold her blameless when she heard what a monster he had become.

“I have previously told you I had no mother,” he began, his hand absently rubbing her arm. “My father was ill much of his life. I saw him more in his bed than out of it.”

“That must have been hard.”

“He did the best he could. I cannot blame him for his health being frail.” Judson paused, closing his eyes. “I was a small child. Thin. Boney. Underweight. By the time I went away to school, I had yet to learn the things other boys’ fathers taught them. How to ride or swim or hunt.”

Judson spoke dispassionately now, not infusing any emotion into his voice. “Because of my size, I was picked upon. Bullied by the other boys.”

He launched into things which had been done to him, things he had never told a soul. Things he wished he could forget—but couldn’t. As he spoke, he felt the tension fill Lucy’s body.

“No one would befriend me because they were afraid to be caught up in the campaign of intimidation against me.”

He felt her tears against his chest. “Could you not speak to one of your tutors? Or the headmaster?”

“They shut down any talk of such matters. What they do not see or know about simply does not exist.”

Lucy raised her head. “But you were a boy!” she exclaimed. “One who was suffering greatly. Oh, Judson, I cannot imagine the fear you lived in. The physical pain you endured.”

He pressed her head down, not being able to see the look in her eyes.

“And yet I loved learning,” he told her. “In the classroom, I was in my element. I shone in every subject. Of course, I suffered mightily from being recognized—even praised—by the staff. Many of those who bullied me struggled in their studies.”

“They were still terribly wrong to hurt you as they did.” She sighed. “I am sorry your papa was so ill and could not go to the authorities and make things right for you. As it is, those in charge should have been held just as accountable as those boys who hurt and intimidated you.”

He sensed her hesitation and knew what she would ask. Judson decided to beat her to it.

“It got much worse once Papa passed. Huntsworth had always been my refuge from school. I eagerly looked forward to returning home to Surrey between terms. I became the new marquess at ten years of age. Because of my youth, my uncle, Papa’s brother, became my guardian. He, in effect, had already run Huntsworth for many years, due to my father’s ill health. Uncle Jeremiah despised my father and the fact that he held the title and wealth.”

“And then a mere boy became the new marquess,” she said quietly. “What did he do to you, Judson?”

His new wife was intuitive.

“His excuse was that he wanted to toughen me up. Constantly, he berated me verbally, but the physical punishments were even worse.”

Her head popped up again, her gaze meeting his. “He is the one who gave you your scars.”

“He did.”

Lucy’s pained expression almost undid him. She seemed to recognize this and placed her head again on his chest. Her hand found his, threading her fingers through his, giving him strength to continue.

“Uncle Jeremiah beat me unmercifully for the slightest supposed infraction. He also drove me to my physical limits and beyond. It is hard to say this, but I suppose I have him to thank. He pushed me to the brink of my physical limits. Running. Dragging heavy objects. Lifting weights to help me gain strength. At school, other boys often stole my food. I think half my problem in being so small was the hunger I suffered. At least at Huntsworth, I was able to eat. Most of the time.”

She squeezed his fingers. “Go on.”

“I began to grow in spurts. At first, it was in height, but due to the intense physical activities my uncle put me through, I also started growing in strength. The time came when my tormentors did not come for me during the night.

“I came for them.”

He let those words hang in the air, wishing he could stop there, but knowing he must finish his tale of woe.

“First, I made it evidently clear to the boys in my own class how I would no longer tolerate their abuse. I am not proud of this, Lucy. I used fists. Feet. Even teeth to teach them the lesson. My father had begged me on his deathbed to become a good man, but I became the opposite of that. I bullied my bullies, taking them to task. Hurting them as they had hurt me. Until they feared me—and hurt me no more.”

He found himself holding her hand tightly and released his grip on it.

“Then I went for the older boys. The ones who had taken advantage of someone younger than they, a boy who was thin and undernourished and lonely. I taught them the same lessons and forced them to agree to never bully another boy at school again. I was deadly serious when I told each and every one of them that I would kill them if I came across them torturing any child.”

“That was very brave of you, Judson,” his wife told him. “To stand up to so many who had tormented you. Did they...” Her voice trailed off. “Oh! I understand now. Lords Eaton and Humley were two of your bullies.”

“Yes,” he said quietly. “Two of the very worst. Eaton, in particular. He was vicious and enjoyed hurting me. And others. Humley was mean, but he took all his cues from Eaton. I did catch the pair bullying a younger boy once, two years after I had issued my edict. I beat Humley badly. He was terrified of me after that.”

When he paused, Lucy asked, “What did you do to Eaton? I already know how much he despises you because of the way he spoke of you when he hurt me.”

“I dealt with Eaton. He was injured so badly that he left school.”

“I am surprised you were not expelled, Judson.”

“No one spoke against me. Not a single boy—and yet the entire school knew it had been me who damaged each of them.”

He stroked her hair, loving the feel of the silky tresses. “So you see, dear Lucy, I am not a good man. I have bullied and beaten others. I caused an entire school to be terrified of me. Before, no boy befriended me because they were afraid of being sucked into the web of torment I suffered. After, every boy feared me so that no one would look at me, much less speak to me. That evil has remained in me, Lucy. It has festered over the years. Because of it, I have kept myself apart from others. You know Tim is my only friend. Julian has tried to befriend me, but he knows nothing of my past. Even your own brother knows of my reputation. He can verify if you have any doubt.”

Judson lifted Lucy, placing her in his lap, needing to see her eyes.

“The darkness will never leave me. I will have no friends. I hated that we were forced to wed and that I sucked you into the blackness of my world and soul.”

A fierceness filled her eyes. “You are wrong about everything, Judson. You took the bullying for years and became stronger for it. You grew into a size where you could threaten those who had done you harm. You protected other boys by unleashing your wrath upon those who had hurt you so deeply. Think how many other boys would have suffered if you had not intervened.”

She cupped his cheeks. “And you came to my rescue. You have given me the protection of your name. You sent Eaton and Humley away. We are man and wife now. We are free to build the future the two of us want. The two of us, Judson. Together. You are an honorable man. You may think your soul black, but all I see is a hero who helped so many. And me.”

Lucy kissed him softly. “You will not dim any light within me. From now on, you will let your own light shine. Your own goodness and kindness and thoughtfulness. Leave the past in the past, Judson. Stand side by side with me in the present, and help me as we look to our future.”

She kissed him again. “You are a good husband. You will be the best of fathers.”

“I know nothing about either,” he protested, his resolve to isolate from her weakening.

“We will learn these things together” she said, quiet determination in her voice. “Thank you for opening up to me. For telling me all that has happened to you. I think you will be wonderful as a husband and father because of the suffering you have undergone. You are everything I have ever desired in a husband. You will spend time with our children, teaching them with patience and love.”

Lucy grinned. “Why, you might even become more besotted with your daughter than Julian is with his.”

Her words—and laughter—caused a lightness to fill him. Judson realized for the first time in his life, he had hope. Hope for what his future would hold. Hope for the good things in life to come his way.

And in that moment, he realized that he loved Lucy. With every fiber of his being.

Before he could tell her, though, she was kissing him again. Passionately. Judson had thought only a mistress could exhibit this level of arousal, but Lucy, though a daughter of the ton , was definitely a woman who would always satisfy him.

She broke the kiss. Grabbing a pillow, she walloped him with it—and burst out laughing. Scrambling off the bed, he gave chase, catching her, kissing her, picking her up and taking her back to bed. They wrestled. Kissed. Laughed. And made love to one another, a coupling Judson would never forget for as long as he lived.

He had found a partner. An equal. Someone to share his life with. A person whom he would always put first.

They stayed in bed for hours, kissing and talking. His wife told him of things she wanted to do inside the townhouse. She valued family greatly, and he caught her enthusiasm, ready to open the house once it was ready and entertain her many relatives.

He agreed to take her to Huntsworth. The ghosts of the past had evaporated, and he began to recall the things he had loved about the estate.

“I enjoy the country,” she said. “I hope you will allow us to restore Huntsworth and live there at least part of the year.”

“I will go where you go,” he said solemnly. “I do not want to leave your side, Lucy. You have opened my eyes to an entire new way of thinking.”

“You don’t mind if we go to the country?” she asked, biting her lip. “Because I want to be with you, Judson. Wherever you are.”

He took her into his arms. “I want to have a normal life with you, Wife. We shall open the country house again and live there most of the year until we come to town for the Season. I hope we will fill it with children, many children, and that we will enjoy spending time with them. Yes, they will need nursemaids and nannies and tutors and governesses, but I want a true family. One I see frequently and let them know how much I love them.”

Her luminous smile dazzled him. “And can we bring our children to town with us each year? Ariadne has already started this new tradition. Val and Con agreed they would do the same. We want to come to know all our cousins, and for our children to grow up with one another.”

“I think that sounds like the best plan of all,” Judson declared. “The smartest thing I have done in my life has been to wed you, Lucy Jarvis.” He paused, his heart ready to burst from his chest. “I love you.”

He kissed her deeply, making love to his wife, thoroughly pleasuring her.

When they both lay exhausted, wrapped in each other’s arms, Lucy said, “I love you, too. Judson. I realized I did but was afraid to tell you.”

He kissed her. “You need never fear that again, love. We were meant to be together and love one another.”

“Will we always be this happy?” she asked.

He thought a moment. “No. I think our happiness will grow, day by day, Lucy. As will our love.”