Page 52 of Almost Ravaged

That time together awakened a layer of our shared and individual grief that I didn’t know existed until then. Every emotion was amplified as we clung to the limited time their schedules allowed. With them, I was safe. When they were gone, I knew that sensation would evaporate. Being together for a few days knowing damn well we’d have to endure being apart again was its own brand of torture.

After that visit, I understood that I couldn’t heal, even partially, if I didn’t find outlets and an identity separate from Atty and Ty.

The pain that punctuated our brief visits eased over the years. It eased, and then it dissipated enough to make room for glimmers of joy.

We all changed. Grew. Coped in ways we don’t often talk about.

Atty grew meaner. He’s always been brutal on the ice, but every now and then, he really lets go, unleashing the full force of his rage. Thankfully Ty is usually there to cut him off at the pass and ground him.

Tytus grew colder. Even quieter than before. He retreated into himself so intensely that it’s rare he lets even the slightest bit of his true personality show around people who don’t know him the way we do. Even with us, he keeps it mostly hidden. His distance still catches me off guard sometimes. But then he’ll smile or insist on carrying my bag to class or make an absolute ass of himself defending my honor and getting kicked out of the lecture hall by our professor, and it reminds me he’s still in there.

As for me?

I grew bolder. Wilder. I developed a reckless streak, partying and exploring my more carnal desires and fantasies. For a long time, it was as if I led a double life. Sometimes, I was Sawyer, the 4.0 student and loner at McMaster University. Other times, I became Sawyer, the good-time party girl who could outdrink anyone and was always chasing some kind of high while coordinating her next hookup.

We barely resemble the kids we once were. But at least there’s renewed lightness when we’re together. The undercurrent of grief is always there, and it changed us all irrevocability. But the grief is no longer the singular string holding us together.

If I had it my way, it would always be the three of us against the world. We’ve survived enough bullshit and heartache for a lifetime. We deserve to have a little fun, and to have a real college experience.

Though reality doesn’t always match dreams, I’m determined to make the best of the next few years.

I grip Atty’s arm, squeezing. “I’m really glad you guys came out tonight.”

He dips his chin, and when we stop behind a group of people waiting at the bar, he slings an arm over my shoulders. “Yeah. Me, too.”

Head tipped back, I beam up at him. Once the season starts, nights like this will be very few and far between. I want to soak up every moment while we can.

“So,” he says, tugging on a strand of my hair. “Do you see your friends anywhere?”

“Ouch.” I play-punch him in the side, then step around him and scan the bar. The place ispacked, just like every other bar we’ve been to tonight, and whenI don’t spot them right away, I weave between tables, scanning the crowd for familiar faces.

On the other side of a partition, I spot Cam and call her name.

She twists around, her whole face lighting up as she waves me over.

I hold up one finger, letting her know we’ll be right there, then make my way back to the boys, who are chatting, even as both keep an eye on me. I smile at the sight.

“They’re around the corner.” I thumb over my shoulder.

Atty nods. “We’ll grab drinks.”

As he and Ty drift closer to the bar, I retrace my steps to join my friends.

“You made it.” Cam hops to her feet and pulls me into a hug. She smells divine. Like sweet jasmine layered with a scent akin to honey or sugar.

With one arm still looped around me, she makes introductions. “Everyone, this is Sawyer. She’s a grad student, and starting this week, an employee of the ice arena. Sawy.” She grins at me. “This is, well, everyone.”

Sawy. Ugh. Did she overhear Atty call me that, or come up with it on her own?

I give a slightly overwhelmed smile to the group, my chest tightening. Should I speak? Drop into a chair? Run away?

Before I can do any of those things, Cam goes on. “You already know Kai.”

They look up from their phone with an amused smirk.

“Then there’s Skylar, our resident ice patrol princess.”

A blond girl with big barrel curls and the whitest smile I’ve ever seen gives me a little wave.