Page 101 of Almost Ravaged

I consider reaching for him—going as far as to lift my still-freezing fingers—but retreat before I can make contact.

What the fuck, Sawyer?

I promised myself that I was done holding on to this masochist hope that the two of us could ever be more than friends.

Old habits die hard, I guess.

This limbo we’ve lived in for so long isn’t fair to either of us. It’s a perpetual cycle. A hamster wheel of unexplored desires. No one is at fault, but there’s a reason things never go further. An enormous, insurmountable reason.

It’s nothing short of heartbreaking, what happened to my parents. Then there’s his dad. Not to mention the innocence we lost that night. We have too much baggage, and we’ve let too many opportunities pass us by.

It doesn’t matter where we are or what the circumstances entail. Ty and I will always be linked, but we won’t ever be truly connected. Our foundation is held together with too much toxicity. With too many cracks and more rot in the crevices than even the strongest love could dispel.

It’s time to put the fantasy to rest, once and for all. I haven’t been totally consumed by it over the last few years. When we were apart, I hooked up with plenty of people. Getting lost in another person is my favorite coping mechanism. Losing myself in giving and receiving pleasure and leaving it at that.

Casual is my MO.

Yet casual is the opposite of what I’d share with Tytus, if the universe ever stopped fucking with us. There would be no easing into things. We could never be casual, and we’d have to tell Atticus right away. We’d have to face our demons, individually and together, as we were thrust into a full-blown relationship riddled with messy history.

At the end of the day, I’m not sure Ty even wants a relationship with me. When we’re together, when it’s convenient, sure, he seems interested. But he could have kissed me at the Ledges, yet he didn’t.

That thought hits me hard. Damn. Suddenly, I’m really fucking tired of not being kissed. I need to rectify this trend sooner rather than later.

“Earth to Sawyer.”

I turn back to Atty, realizing then that Ty is halfway to the locker room, his back turned to us.

My stomach sinks. “Is he—”

“He’s been insufferable this week.” My brother frowns. “I can’t get him to talk to me. Hoping it’ll pass once we’re into the groove.”

I bite my lip, all my complicated romantic feelings cast aside and replaced with worry.

“Don’t do that,” Atty murmurs. He knows me too well. Hell, he can probably feel the anxiety rolling off me. “He’ll be okay. I’ll make sure of it.”

“Yeah, okay.” I shake off the trepidation and clock in, then fall into step with my brother. “Let’s get dinner this week, the three of us.”

“You got it. I’ll talk to Ty and text you tonight.” He holds up one hand to wave goodbye and takes off toward the locker room. “Have a good shift.”

I head to the skate rental counter but can’t shake the feeling that I should be doing more to support Ty. His demons are as dark as mine, some even darker, older. If he’s struggling, I don’t want him to go through it alone.

But I can’t let my concern for him consume me. I have my own life to live, my own hopes and dreams to pursue. We knew this transition would be challenging. We knew being thrown together would stir up old hurts. This is still the early stage. It’ll take time to learn how to live without stress, to acclimate to this new life, after everything we’ve survived.

Tytus will be okay. Eventually. I will be, too.

We just have to figure out how to get to that place and stay there, once and for all.

Chapter thirty-six

Sawyer

At 7:59 on the dot, Mercer enters the office.

“I brought you something.” He sets two cups of coffee on the desk, then settles in his office chair. “Wasn’t sure how you take it, so that one’s black”—he nods to the one on my right, then the one on the left—“that one’s loaded with cream and sugar.”

I snag the second option and grin. “All the cream and sugar, always.” Eyes closed, I take a slow sip, savoring the creamy sweetness. Perfection.

With a snicker, he pulls a handful of sugar packets and little white cups from his suit pocket. He spreads them out on the desk and pops the lid of the other coffee open. “On that, we are aligned.”