Page 38 of Alec in Wonderland (Rainbow Tales #1)
“Engaged,” Alec whispered as he watched Bax come striding over, crossing the dining hall like he ruled, not the Queen. “I'm fucking engaged.” He pasted on a grin just in time.
“Hello, my betrothed.” Bax swooped in for a kiss. He made a sound of delight as he drew back. “You are delicious. Indulging in some chocolate, are we?”
“I'm celebrating.”
“ We are celebrating.” Bax took Alec's hand and pulled him out to a dancing area in the center of the hall.
Torwen was already out there with the Queen in his arms, Her Majesty beaming at her lover as he swirled her around in crazy circles. Torwen shot Alec a look, and Alec grinned brightly. It shouldn't have been fake, that grin. This should have been a joyous night for Alec. Part of him did rejoice to know that Bax loved him enough to marry him. But it was a small part of him and was quickly getting mashed under the heel of responsibility and betrayal. When Alec had accepted this mission—something he felt he had little choice in—he never thought he'd have to sacrifice his own heart for it.
As Bax led him through dance steps he didn't know, Alec stared at the man he loved. The man he'd do anything for. He might even betray all of Wonderland for Bax. The thought sent a horrible thrill through him. But then he remembered the Queen's wrath. He remembered the White Prince, imprisoned somewhere in the fortress. He remembered the tea parties with Quin, Finbri, and Almai. Memories that had been repressed for all this time returned suddenly, as if they knew he was buckling and needed their help.
Alec heard his friends' laughter. Saw them smiling at him. And he saw Bax too. The little, scared boy he'd been. Bax had left out the part about how thin he'd been as a child, worked to the point of gauntness. Alec hadn't even realized it then. It took him looking back, as an adult, to see that Bax's lankiness hadn't been genetics but a lack of care or maybe even abuse. Had Bax blocked out the tragedy of his childhood? Maybe all he remembered was that the Queen elevated him. That he had triumphed in the end. Maybe that's all that mattered to him.
But Alec remembered now. He remembered all those good moments as well as the bad. The laughter. The way they played in the grass. And also the terror in the eyes of those poor gardeners as they stained white roses with drops of liquid dye, carefully applying the stain like blood onto the blooms. The Queen had come, and while Bax hid in the plants, the gardeners tried to hide the dye. They tried and failed.
That's when the Queen sentenced them to die. Guards hauled the gardeners away while the Queen whisked Alec off to play Croquet. He'd been so worried about those men, but then Gryphon told him how the King pardoned everyone, and Alec saw the King motioning at the guards. But the King wasn't around to hand out pardons anymore.
There were so many signs of psychosis. The authorities would have locked up the Queen of Hearts in Alec's world. She'd be institutionalized. Hopefully. Either that, or she'd be a serial killer leaving fucked up clues at her crime scenes. Maybe red roses.
Fuck me! Alec thought. Get your shit together! You truly are going mad.
But the memories had done their job. Alec knew what side he was on. And he knew he couldn't betray that side for anyone. Not even the man he had loved since he was a child.
God, he wanted to marry him. Alec wanted nothing more than to make vows to Bax that he intended to keep. No betrayal. No lies. But he couldn't do that. So, he couldn't stay long enough to marry his greatest love. That would compound the cruelty. Too much for either of them to bear. No, Alec had to leave that very night.
“Let's retire, my love,” Bax said as he led Alec away from the dancers. Instead of heading for the royal table, he went in the opposite direction, toward the door.
Alec didn't protest. The quicker he could get Bax to bed, the quicker he could get this over with. Oh, what an ache that set in his heart. Alec rubbed at his chest with his free hand. He had a feeling he'd be doing that for the rest of his life. Maybe he'd rub through his skin and bones one day and put an end to the ache.
Completely unaware of Alec's tragic thoughts, Bax was glowing with happiness, his stare often trailing down to the ring on Alec's finger. Alec wanted to throw up.
When they finally reached the sanctuary of their suite, Bax locked the door behind them and drew Alec into the bedroom. Alec went like a man sentenced to death, every step taking him closer to his doom. And hadn't he foretold this for himself? He was a better psychic than that dumb Caterpillar. He'd known from the start that Baxenvir would destroy him. But then Bax was stripping him, his warm hands stirring things that Alec thought would be impossible to rouse. At least in the mood he was in.
Alec had worried about it, about not responding to Bax's touch. He shouldn't have. No amount of fear or sadness or even pain could stop his body from giving Bax exactly what he wanted. Alec knew then that he would never make love again. He'd never feel this for anyone else, and he could never settle for less than Bax. That meant he'd be alone forever. Unless the Jabberwocky killed him.
A man could hope.
“My love, why do you look so sad?” Bax turned Alec's head toward him. “Aren't you happy?”
“Of course I am,” Alec said. “I'm just worried about the war.”
“What war?” Bax grinned.
Alec went still. “The war. The one the Queen has started with the Chess Kingdoms. You'll be fighting in it, won't you? I hate the thought of you out there. You're immortal but not invulnerable. You could die, Bax.”
Bax took Alec's face in his hands. “Thoughts of war have vanished from the Queen's head. I think she's finally moving past King Haver's death. And so am I, Mal. You did that for me. You brought me out of darkness and held me up to the sun. I'm warm because of your love. I have a future because you're wearing my ring.”
Alec's throat locked up. His eyes filled with tears.
“Don't cry, love.” Bax kissed the tears away, but more came to replace them. He chuckled. “You silly thing. Your tears will form a pool if you're not careful.” He tapped Alec's nose. “And your pool of tears will lead to the Crimson Sea. So, you must stop crying or you'll sail away upon them, and I will be forced to swim after you.”
“Such nonsense,” Alec whispered.
“Yes, indeed. It's the best kind of sense.” Bax finished undressing him, then picked Alec up and carried him to bed. “Show me my prize. Give me all I've claimed today.”
“You kill me, Bax. You slay me dead with your words and your eyes and your hands upon me.”
Baxenvir scowled. “Most times, I like your funny coastal speech, but those words gave me a chill, Mal. Don't talk about death in our bed.”
“I'm sorry.” Mal opened his arms. “Come here, my love. Have I told you how much you've changed my life?”
Bax grinned. “You have not. And you really should. It's only polite, after all I've confessed to you.”
“Ah. Yes, you're right. How rude I've been. How cruel.” Alec tried to stop his tears, but another escaped.
Bax immediately claimed the salty drop with his lips. “You are so sentimental tonight, my betrothed. Who would have guessed that you'd weep to wear my ring?”
“Not me,” Alec murmured. “I would have never guessed this would happen. At least, not before I met you.”
Bax spread out beside Mal and pulled him close. “Neither would I. Not the old me who you met when you first arrived.”
“You mean the growling man who demanded to know who I was?” Alec teased.
“Yes, precisely. If any slaying has been done, it was me by you. That man is dead. You have revived me with your kiss, and brought me back a better man.”
Alec chuckled. “And you say I'm the sentimental one. You've become a poet tonight.”
“Maybe.” Bax stretched out, tucking Alec in against him, and stared at the bed canopy. “I'm just so fucking happy.” He bent to kiss Alec's head. “Thank you.”
“I love you, Bax. Remember that. Always remember that. No matter what happens, I love you forever.”
“I love you too, Mal. Forever.”
It crushed Alec's heart to hear those words dedicated to a man who didn't exist. But that's what he deserved, and it helped to focus him. Bax didn't love Alec. Sir Baxenvir didn't even know Alec. He might kill Alec should he ever discover him. This love was one-sided. Always had been. Bax had fallen in love with a story—a fictional character Alec had been forced to play. And now it was time to exit stage left.
Soon enough, Bax tired of his poetry and moved on to more physical expressions of love. As he moved inside Alec, Alec held on tightly and stared up into the eyes that would never look at him the same way again. Not after this terrible night. The next time he saw Bax, those eyes would hold only hatred for him. And yet, Alec couldn't bring himself to regret anything. Not a single fucking moment.
When Bax locked up against Alec and filled him with desire, Alec was right there with him, shouting Bax's name for the last time. At least in passion.