Page 15 of Alec in Wonderland (Rainbow Tales #1)
The Knave of Hearts wasn't as pleased by their exchange. Oh, in some ways he was delighted. Their kiss had been exceptional. But Bax already knew this wouldn't be merely a physical relationship. So, beneath that delight lurked terror. The thought of dusting off his heart, whatever portion of it remained, and giving it to Mal, scared the tumtum out of him. And the fact that he was even considering such a scenario so soon after meeting Mal scared him even more. He had given his queen his love and loyalty so long ago that he assumed he had nothing left to give. Every intimate interaction he had since then had been with cold detachment. The only feelings involved were physical.
That wasn't the case with Malecvar.
“Maybe he is aptly named after all,” Bax muttered as he strode away from the guest room he'd given Mal.
He didn't have far to go. His room was directly across the corridor.
The Knave entered his suite and shut the door quietly behind him. He didn't want Mal to hear it. Then he grimaced. Why was he hiding? He had chosen to install the man close to him. It had given him a thrill when he came up with the idea. To have Mal within reach even while he slept made his sacs clench. He could get up in the middle of the night and slip into Mal's room.
“Fuck,” Bax whispered. “Calm yourself, you fool. It's just sex. It has nothing to do with love. You cannot give away what you don't have.”
But if he didn't have a heart to give, why was the Knave so frightened to lose it? And why had he walked away when he could have taken Mal right then? He had been willing, Bax felt his eagerness. He should have fucked Mal until he was free of him in both body and mind. He would have if the fear hadn't warned him it wouldn't work.
Was it possible to give his heart to two people? Perhaps it was. Especially if one of them was not a sexual love. Love could have many aspects, after all. He could love his queen in one way and Malecvar in another. She said so herself. So why was Bax in such a tizzy? What was truly bothering him?
He paced the length of his sitting room, wracking his brain for the answer. The Queen had bid him to seek a reason to smile. She wanted him to find love beyond the innocent affection he had for her. And why did he keep circling back to that? Why was what she thought about his heart so important?
Bax came to a stop. There it was. Her permission mattered to him. Obedience had been drilled into the Knave of Hearts from a very young age. He was a soldier through and through. He knew no other way to live. No, it wasn't love that was the problem. It was loyalty. Obedience. Bending the knee. A man cannot have two masters. And when the Knave gave his heart, his loyalty went with it. No separation between the two. Thus, he had no heart to give.
The Queen didn't understand that because she had never given her obedience to anyone but herself. She couldn't comprehend that Bax would have to compromise his loyalty to her if he fell in love with someone else. One of them would have to be his master, and that meant he couldn't truly love the other.
Bax stomped into his dressing room, working at the buckles on his armor as he went. He needed to get out of that metal cage immediately. It was suddenly stifling. And it pained him in places. He wanted to get out of it so badly that he cast the pieces aside as soon as he removed them instead of taking the time to put them on his armor rack.
Released from his armor at last, Bax untied his sweat-stained gambeson and tossed that away too. Left in thin pants and a tunic, he kicked off his boots. Everything else came off quickly after that, and then Bax was off to the bathroom—a shower mandatory.
As he stood beneath the pelting water, the Knave hung his head and stared at his erection. Baffled, he took it in hand. Was he really going to pleasure himself? He hadn't felt the need for that since he was a boy on the cusp of manhood. But as Bax gripped his shaft, images of Mal flowed into his mind, and he couldn't stop his hand from moving up and down, faster and faster. Mere seconds later, he spilled his seed on the shower floor.
With that release, the Knave of Hearts let out a sigh. It was even more freeing than getting out of the armor. He could suddenly think more clearly. His heartbeat slowed. His breathing resumed its normal rhythm. Lifting his head, he set about washing himself, expecting to slide into his usual thought processes and calm reserve as well. He did not. His mind was clear of lust, yes, but not of Malecvar. It was still full of that man. There was nothing for the Knave to do but accept it.
He must have Mal, but he couldn't love him. Fine. He would take what he needed and hold back what he couldn't give. Mentally prepared, he could achieve his goals. This was like any other campaign. He set his mind on a target, plotted out the best course of action, and completed his mission. The only difference would be the weapons he used and the type of armor he protected himself with. Especially the armor.