Page 21 of Alec in Wonderland (Rainbow Tales #1)

The Knave of Hearts felt the enormity of his vow long after he uttered it. The food was eaten, the table cleared, and the Queen retired to her suite with her lover. The White Prince was escorted back to his cell after that. Then, only when the royal table was clear, did the Knave stand and offer Mal his hand.

Again, the courtiers watched as Bax and Mal crossed the hall. It felt to Bax as if months had passed since they first made the trip to the royal table together. Sometime during the meal, Mal had dove into Baxenvir's soul and taken hold of it. Words. Just words. And yet Mal's words had changed everything. Love had been a possibility when they entered the dining hall. Now, Bax knew it was inevitable.

When was the last time anyone had asked about his childhood? Never. Not even his bed partners had dared to get to know him beyond his body. Or cared to. But Mal wanted to know. He demanded it. And Bax found he could deny Mal nothing.

If Mal didn't want to take things further, Bax would not press him. Not that night or any other. The thought relaxed him in surprising ways. He found that as much as he wanted to take Mal to bed, he was also enjoying the other parts of their interaction—the bits he never experienced. Getting to know someone. Would the sex be better after they connected in other ways? Bax was certain it would be. And he wanted that. So, as they approached their rooms, he let go of Mal's hand.

Mal looked at him, his eyes crinkling with a smile. “Me either.”

“What does that mean?” Bax turned to face him.

“I don't want to ruin this. But I don't want the night to end either. Would you like to come in and talk a bit more?” He waved at his door.

The Knave of Hearts stood frozen. Going into a man's room at this hour meant sex. Period. But Mal said that it didn't have to mean sex. Could they really sit near a bed and not use it? With all the lust building between them? With the way they combusted with every touch? Bax wasn't sure, but he wanted to try.

“Why don't you come into my suite instead?” Bax opened his door and waved Mal inside. “I have a bottle of Snudian rum.”

“I love rum.” Mal winked at Bax as he passed by.

A wave of nervousness crashed over the Knave as he closed his suite door. He was out of his depth. In unfamiliar territory. At this point, he would have been kissing his chosen partner. But they weren't doing that. So, what should he do? He just stood to the side, watching Mal—hoping the other man might offer some guidance.

Malecvar didn't notice the Knave's distress. Instead, he strolled around the sitting room, peering at the few belongings Bax had on display. He picked up a carving from Queast and inspected it before setting it back down. Then he looked over at Bax expectantly. It was the guidance he'd been waiting for.

“Oh, yes! The rum.” Bax hurried over to the sideboard and poured two glasses of his best rum, imported from Snud. He brought them to Mal and handed him a tumbler. “Have you had Snudian rum before? It's sweeter than others.”

“No, I haven't. Thank you.” Mal hooked a lock of hair behind his ear and took a sip. He made an appreciative sound. “This is delicious.”

“I'm glad you like it.” Bax went to sit on the couch. At least in the sitting room, they had some distance between them and the bed.

“Do you have a balcony?” Mal leaned over to look around the half-open bedroom door.

“Oh, uh. Yes, I do.” Bax stood up and took a bracing swig. “Would you like to see the view?”

“I think I could handle an hour or so of the roses.”

“The roses?”

“Their scent is strong. You haven't noticed?”

“I've lived here so long that I've gotten used to it.”

“Nose blind.” Mal nodded and headed for the bedroom.

“Nose blind?” Bax hurried after him, hoping that the maids had come and tidied up his bed while he was at dinner. He let out a sigh of relief when he saw the immaculate room. “Uh, that's a suitable term for it. Yes, I suppose my nose is blind to the scent of roses.”

“It started giving me a headache.” Mal paused in the middle of the room, sipped his rum, and looked around. “You don't have a lot of personal things.”

“Oh.” Bax looked around. “I keep most on display in the sitting room.”

“You have nothing you like enough to keep near your bed?” Mal strolled over to him.

Baxenvir swallowed past the dryness in his throat. “I haven't had time to collect things.”

“That tracks.”

“Tracks?” Bax frowned down at Mal. “You have an odd way of speaking.”

“So you keep saying.”

“I noticed it even more during dinner. Some things you say are strange.”

Mal shrugged. “Coastal talk. Like Cheshire said.”

“Oh. Yes, I see.”

“Have you brought a lot of men here?”

“Into my bedroom?”

“Yes.”

“You're the first.”

Mal's eyes widened. “With the way people were looking at you tonight, I thought you were . . .”

“Promiscuous?”

“I was going to say, well, never mind what I was going to say. You probably wouldn't understand it anyway.”

Bax frowned at him.

“Yes, I thought you were promiscuous.”

“Oh, I am.” The Knave of Hearts grinned, enjoying the flush that spread over Mal's cheeks. “I fuck many people. I just don't like any of them enough to bring them here.”

“You got to their rooms?”

“Yes. I go, I fuck them, and I leave.” He grimaced. “I usually choose a man because they're easier to get away from when I'm done.”

“Oh. You're bi. I didn't expect that.”

“Bi?”

“Bisexual. You like both sexes.”

“You are so strange.” Bax shook his head. “Of course, I like both sexes. Everyone does.”

“Everyone?” Mal blinked.

“Yes, everyone. At least, until we settle on someone.”

“I only like men.”

Bax snorted a laugh. Then he saw that Mal was serious. “Are you jesting?”

“No. I like men. Just men. I'm not attracted to women.”

“But what if you're meant to be with a woman?”

“I'm not.”

“How do you know that? You could pass up your greatest chance at happiness.”

Mal chuckled. “I don't think so. I could never be happy with a woman.”

Bax narrowed his eyes at Mal. “What are you talking about? Love knows no sex. And desire is not a horse to be bridled. You let it run wild so that it may lead you to your greatest pleasure.”

“Well, my greatest pleasure is men.” Mal crossed his arms over his chest.

“How did you discover this? When?”

“Oh, pretty early on. I've never been attracted to women.”

“Some people prefer one sex to the other, but they remain open to the possibility of loving anyone. We are all born . . . what was it you called me?”

“Bisexual.”

“Yes. That. We're all born bisexual. Putting limitations on love is foolish. As far as I know, it is no different at the Crimson Coast. The only people who limit themselves like that are—” Bax trailed off, his thoughts running wild. The strange way Mal spoke, his unusual appearance, and now this. No, it couldn't be. Mal was from the coast. He was Cheshire's cousin.

Mal burst out laughing. “Your face!”

The Knave gaped at Mal for a moment and then puffed out a relieved laugh. “Sweet berry tarts, Mal! For a second I thought you were from the human world.”

“The what?” Mal lifted his brows, then laughed some more. “Do I really speak that strangely?”

“Yes, you do. And you have these odd ideas.”

“You need to leave the fortress more, Bax.” Mal pushed at his chest. “The human world.” He snorted. “Really?”

“I know. That was silly of me. No one's come over from there since . . .” Bax trailed off, staring at Mal's eyes. “Your eyes. This is going to sound even sillier, but the last human to come here from that place was a little boy. I met him. His name was Alec and I swear, he had your eyes.” Bax leaned closer, the memory of that little boy sliding over Mal. It was uncanny.

Mal blinked, his expression going slack. And then he burst out laughing again. “You nearly had me!”

Bax chuckled. “No, really. I'm telling the truth. He looked a lot like you.”

“What, just smaller?” Mal teased.

“Yes. He had your coloring. Your exact coloring. How strange.”

“Cheshire has my coloring too,” Mal said. “Does that mean he's from the human world?”

Bax thought about this. “Huh. You're right. Cheshire does resemble that boy as well.”

“Bax, I think you may remember things wrong.” Mal's smile softened and his tone turned hopeful, “Maybe because you liked that boy and now you like me?”

Bax shook his head. “You know, that's true. I did like him. I was just a little older than him. I had slipped out of training that day and found him with the gardeners.”

“A human boy was here, in the fortress?” Mal scoffed. “No way.”

“Yes! I swear it!” Bax laughed and took Mal's hand to draw him out to the balcony. He sighed as the cool air hit his flushed cheeks, then stared up at the stars. “It was amazing. I knew immediately that he wasn't from Wonderland. And when I asked him, he didn't deny it. He claimed to be from a land called Oh-ray-gon.”

“Oh-ray-gon,” Mal carefully repeated the word. “What an odd name.”

“That's what I said!” Bax chuckled and slid onto an iron chair near the wall. “His name was less strange but still unusual.”

“Are you sure he was from the human world?” Mal took the chair closest to Bax. “He might have been teasing you.”

Pleased by Mal's proximity, Bax didn't answer at first. Then he cleared his throat and said, “I'm sure. The Queen came upon us, and I had to hide. I watched as she took the boy with her to play croquet. He had never played the game. The flamingos shocked him. He kept trying to pet them.”

“That must have been a long time ago. I've never heard of the Queen playing croquet.”

“Oh, yes, she did. She loved it.” Bax stared up at the stars again. “She loved all sorts of games. Of course, she was a terrible loser.” He chuckled as he looked back at Mal. “But back then, the King stopped her from doing anything too fatal when she had one of her rages.”

“His death was a great loss to the kingdom.”

“Yes, it was. He was a good man. More importantly, he made the Queen a good woman.”

Silence spread until Bax realized his mistake. He'd spoken out against his queen!

Straightening in his seat, he hurried to say, “Not that she isn't a good woman now. She's just—”

“Bax!” Mal grabbed his hand. “You don't have to guard yourself around me. I won’t run off and report to the Queen that you know about her rages. We all do. But we also know why she rages, don't we?”

Bax sighed. “Yes. I know that better than most.”

“What do you mean?”

“I was there. At the battle where the King died.”

“You were there?” Mal whispered. “That must have been awful.”

“So, you've never heard of me?”

“Of you? What do you mean?”

Bax laughed, but it was scornfully and directed at himself. “I became the Knave of Hearts that day. The Hero of Hearts.”

“You don't sound pleased.” Mal squeezed his hand. “Bax, we don't have to talk about this. I don't care what you did before we met. What matters is what you do now. If you don't like your past, forget it. Let it go. Make a new past right now.”

Bax's jaw went loose. “You don't . . . so you're not, I mean, you really don't know what I did?”

“No. And I don't care. I know that whatever happened, you did what you felt was best.”

“Yes,” Bax whispered. “Yes, I think I did.”

Mal frowned. “You think you did?”

With a grimace and a sigh, the Knave of Hearts released Mal's hand. “When I go to war, there comes a moment when I lose myself. I sort of split in two. I'm still there, but I'm functioning without thought. I lose time. When I return to myself, the battle is over.”

Mal murmured, “Disassociation.”

“What's that?”

“Oh, nothing. I've heard of soldiers experiencing something like that. It's more common than you think.”

“You have? It's common?” Bax leaned toward Mal. “I thought I was the only one. I thought there was something wrong with me.”

“No, Bax. There's nothing wrong with you. It speaks well of you that battle upsets you so much that you must separate yourself from it mentally.”

“Separate myself mentally,” Bax tested the words. “Yes. Yes, that's what happens. I retreat into my mind and my body takes over.”

Mal nodded. “It's your mind's way of protecting you. Because it knows that you'd go mad if you had to see all those terrible things.”

“Terrible things,” Bax whispered and looked down. “Yes, I did terrible things. And yet, they call me a hero. The Queen made me her champion. But I know better.” He looked up and held Mal's stare, suddenly needing him to know. “I'm a monster.”

“No, you're not!” Mal gripped his hand again. “You're not a monster. That you have to separate yourself like that proves it. There's only one monster in the Card Army, and it isn't you.”

“The Jabberwocky.” Bax's free hand shook so he clenched it into a fist.

“Yes, the Jabberwocky,” Mal said. “War forces everyone to do horrible things, Bax. But what makes men different from monsters is that we regret our actions. The Jabberwocky has no regrets. It knows no mercy and feels no remorse. It doesn't have to retreat into its mind because it doesn't care. But you do, Bax. You care. You don't revel in what they call you because you care so much. Any other man would be proud of those titles. But you hang your head when you list them to me.” Mal slid out of his chair and knelt before Bax to take the Knave's face in his hands. “You could never be a monster.”

And then Mal kissed him.

It shouldn't have been romantic, not after all that talk of monsters and blood. But it was the most romantic moment of Baxenvir's life. He pulled Mal up, into his arms and kissed him with all the tangled, boiling emotions that had risen with those words. Those kind, perceptive, life-changing words. The Knave of Hearts didn't want to fuck Malecvar anymore. He wanted to make love to him.

So, he picked Mal up and carried him to bed.