Page 162 of A Vow of Shadow and Blood

“That isn’t peace, Willow. That is selfish. You are selfish to ask me to accept this.” I storm up to her bars and point my finger at her. “No, I don’t accept this if that’s what you want to hear, because the sister I know would fight. She wouldn’t give up. She wouldn’t leave me alone in this world.”

My tears muffle my words.

“You’re right, but I’m not her anymore. She died a long time ago. Gods, I love you so much, but you have to let me go. I never understood before, but I do now. You’re made for bigger things, Adina, and worrying about me is not one of them. There’s a bigger plan for you.”

“I don’t want it!” I scream. “I don’t want a fucking bigger plan if you’re not there with me. Do you hear me? So, screw the plan because if you’re not here, then I won’t be either.”

“Adina,” she whispers, but I shake my head.

“No, I’m not having this conversation.”

I bound out of the dungeon, my calves burning as I race through the palace. I’m not even sure where I’m going, just that I need air. I need to breathe. Willow’s words taunt me as I try to shove them from my mind. My eyes burn with tears that blur my vision.

Athriel! Athriel!

I scream his name, but he doesn’t answer.

Please, I need you,I beg, but my mind remains painfully silent. I’m truly alone.

I stumble against a wall, trying to steady myself, but my knees give way, and the world starts to tilt. I don’t bother trying to stop myself from falling, but before I hit the ground, I feel the weight of a pair of strong arms wrap around me. The person lifts me into their arms before racing through the palace, only stopping when a cold lick of air slaps against my skin.

I’m set on my feet, blinking against the darkness, and realize I’m standing atop the rolling hills. In the distance, the palace remains a starlight-filled beacon. A gust of wind sweeps past, tugging at my hair and clothes, and I draw in a shaky breath, trying to gather myself. Finally, I turn toward the still figure and am surprised to find Ivana watching me, a soft expression on her face. I don’t bother hiding the tears as our eyes meet.

“She wants to die,” I tell her through my sobs. “She wants me to let her go and just accept it, but I can’t. I don’t know who I am without her. I can’t do this alone.”

She watches me intently, allowing me to get out the words I was too afraid to say down in the dungeon. I press my hands against my stomach as a pain shoots through it. My chest heaves with my cries, but I can’t stop. My entire world is crashing down around me.

A soft embrace encircles me, and I sink into Ivana’s touch, allowing myself to be buried in the solace she offers. I cry againsther chest for what feels like an eternity, too tired to even speak, and she allows me. She holds me until there are no tears left to shed, and in that moment, a small flicker of hope alights inside that reminds me that maybe I’m not so alone after all.

It’s been almost two weeks since my conversation with Willow, and I’ve not returned to see her since. Piper has gone in my stead, giving me brief updates on how she’s doing. She says that she asks for me, but I always cut the conversation at that point. It may have been selfish, but I just wasn’t ready to face her.

Finn finally found the right mixture of ingredients, and I know that he’s already given Willow several doses. Karius released her after six days, and I’m not sure if it was his way of apologizing for leaving me that night—but it didn’t work. I haven’t seen either of them. But with today being the Blood Vows ceremony, I can’t avoid them any longer.

My eyes clasp on the mirror as I try to search for the girl I once was, but she no longer exists. She’s filled with a mixture of emotions that she barely understands. I smooth the pads of my fingers down the red material of my dress that Lena made for the ceremony. It’s truly beautiful. From what Piper told me, most ruled in favor of remaining in this court, and we even gained a few noble houses from other courts. Whether that is a good thing is yet to be seen. I’ve been staying in Piper’s room since that night in Karius’s study, and I’m surprised that she has let me after everything she now knows about me. I did ask Iza first, but lately, it feels like she’s been avoiding me. Perhaps one of the others told her what they learned about what I did to all those vampires. I push the thoughts away.

A soft knock sounds against the door, and I half expect it to be Karius, but disappointment fills my chest when I find Ajax there instead.

“You ok, Red?”

I plaster a smile on my face and nod.

“Just tired.” It’s not a lie.

I walk up to him, folding my arm over his, as I let him lead me out of the room. I already know that Kaia will be escorting Willow to the ceremony. We discussed leaving her in her room to avoid being around so many vampires, but thought better of it. There hasn’t been a single attack or impure sighting in weeks, but it’s better to be cautious.

“Are you nervous?” I ask as we move down the hallway in the direction of the grand hall. He shakes his head.

“I wasn’t sure if my mother was going to choose to stay at first, but now that I know she is, I have nothing to worry about. It’ll be an honor to serve Karius for another century.”

I smile at him. His loyalty is unwavering.

“I’m not sure if I’ve told you this, but you’re a good friend.”

He pauses for a moment as his lips tug up into a cocky smile.

“The great Adina Barron is callingmeher friend. I’m honored.”

I roll my eyes. “You’ve been spending way too much time with Finn.”