Page 18 of A Very Bossy Christmas

“As my date.”

“What?”

“I would like you to pretend to be my girlfriend—with no obligation of fulfilling any of the actual duties of a girlfriend, other than to accompany me and behave like my girlfriend when we’re around my family.” He watches me for a response, but I am not giving him one. “In exchange for this, you do not have to work at the office from the 23rd until January 4th. But if you should choose to join me whenever I’m working there, it would be appreciated.”

I just stare at this man, incredulous. I know that in a situation like this, the best thing to do would be to remain silent and make the other guy so uncomfortable that he starts to sweeten the deal. Or at least admit that he’s hardly presenting me with a compromise at all. But I can’t. I am not genetically programmed to remain silent.

“Is this a joke?”

“Is it funny?”

“I’m not laughing.”

“And as an attorney, I would never joke about a potentially hazardous situation with an employee, even when it’s regarding nonwork activities.”

“Well, as an executive assistant, I foresee a number of problems with the proposed scenario, and I would like to prevent them by saying—are you seriously for real right now?You want your family to think thatI’myour girlfriend?”

“Yes.”

“You want me to lie to your family?”

“Yes.”

“Why?”

“Because I promised my mother that I would attend these events, and she is under the impression that I have a girlfriend.”

“Why would she have that impression?”

“Because I told her I have a girlfriend.”

“And youdon’thave a girlfriend?”

“What doyouthink?”

“You want me to lie about being your assistant?”

“That’s not necessary. We’ll be in Ohio. It’s highly unlikely that word would get back to anyone at the company that we’re dating, so I think it’s plausible that we’d gotten to know each other this way and that we’d handled it in the proper manner with HR and with my superior.”

I narrow my eyes at him. “Why me?”

“Because, as you know, I don’t have time to deal with a woman I’ve already been intimate with.”

“‘Already’been intimate with?”

“Beenintimate with. You know what I mean.”

“Yeah. Ohhhh, yeah. I know what you mean. You are unbelievable, sir.”

He finally opens the envelope and slides one piece of paper toward me, and then pulls his Montblanc pen out from his inside jacket pocket. The one he uses to sign important documents. His lucky pen.

“Obviously we would have to refrain from discussing this matter in the workplace. Before, during, and after this limited period of time. With each other and certainly not with anyone else.”

“Oh, trust me, I don’t want to discuss this at all.Ever. I don’t want to be discussing it with you right now.”

“Really? Because you strike me as the kind of woman who can be straightforward and moderately rational when it comes to sex.”

“Really? Because you strike me as the kind of man who’s totally oblivious about what women are thinking and feeling most of the time.”