Page 12 of A Very Bossy Christmas

“It’s not a secret. I just wasn’t telling anyone yet. You know. Until I knew if it was serious or not.”

Fuck you, mouth.

“So, what you’re telling me is it’s serious?”

Fuck me.

“It’s still new” is what I’m saying at the same time that she says, “Bring her! Bring her to Christmas Eve dinner.I’lltell you if it’s serious or not. It’s settled.”

“I don’t know if—”

“Oh…” She lowers her voice. “Does she not celebrate Christmas?” Because this would be terrible, and she doesn’t want my dad or the Virgin Mary to hear my answer.

“She celebrates Christmas.” I pause for her audible sigh of relief. “I just have to see about her schedule. She works as much as I do. Almost exactly as much, actually…”

“Is she there with you now?”

“No. No, she’s at her place. She took her niece shopping today.”

Fuck you, brain.

I toss the fork back into the drawer because this conversation is all the torture and punishment I need.

“Ohhhh... She’s good with kids! I like the sound of that.”

“Ma.”

“You know I always said you’d make a good father.”

“It is definitely too soon to be thinking about that.”

“I’ve been thinking about it ever since Eddie was born. The way you looked after him. Six years old and always looking out for the new baby. How much longer are you going to make me wait to become a grandmother? I’m not exactly getting any younger over here.”

“You already have grandkids.”

“I won’t be happy untilallof my babies are blessed with babies of their own—you know that.”

“How is Eddie doing, anyway? I haven’t heard from him in a while.”

Thank God for Eddie. I can always bring him up when I need to shift the topic of conversation from what’s missing in my life to the dumpster fire that is his love life. Takethat,youngest son.

“Eddie’s doing great, it sounds like.”

“He is?”

Fuck you, Eddie.

“Sounds like he’s finally met a nice girl, buthewon’t give me any details either.”

“Ahh. Sounds about right.”

“Don’t try to change the subject, Mr. Esquire. You bring this girlfriend of yours—what did you say her name was?”

“I didn’t. It’s Maddie.”Fuck you, Christmas.

“Maddie! Now that’s a charming name. She sounds Irish—love her already.”

“Oh, she’s a charmer, all right. But I’m not sure if she’s got any Irish in her.”I’d like to put some Irish-Italian in her though.